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Have you been gaslighted before? Is it happening to you right now?
If you’re not sure what “Gaslighting” means… It’s when someone manipulates you by psychological means into doubting your own sanity.
Over time, this can have a dramatic effect on our self-esteem as we slowly begin to doubt ourselves until we no longer trust our own instincts. It’s nasty.
If you want to know whether this is happening to you, as well as get a practical guide on how to deal with it, check out this week’s new video.
If you’ve ever expressed your needs to someone or tried to tell them about something they did that hurt you and you were made to feel crazy, this video is for you. It’s a horrible feeling when we are upset or anxious and we don’t even know if what we are saying is reasonable or whether we are overreacting… that’s why I’m so excited for you to see this video. It’s going to bring you a sense of peace and calm again…
I’ve got your back, friend.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
what is gaslighting gaslighting is a
00:02
form of psychological manipulation
00:05
in which a person or group covertly sows
00:08
seeds of doubt in a target individual or
00:11
group
00:11
making them question their own memory
00:14
perception
00:14
or judgment often evoking in them
00:17
cognitive dissonance and
00:18
other changes including low self-esteem
00:22
[Music]
00:25
that sounds bad doesn’t it typically
00:28
we’d associate such a
00:30
horrible thing with the behavior of a
00:33
narcissist at the extreme end
00:35
and of course what makes it so horrible
00:38
is the intentional
00:39
sowing seeds of doubt the willing
00:42
someone to think that they are crazy
00:45
that they’ve lost touch with reality
00:48
it’s humbling though to think that we’ve
00:51
probably
00:51
all gaslighted someone on some level
00:55
at some point in our lives we’ve been in
00:57
an argument with someone and in the
00:59
service
01:00
of winning that argument we have ignored
01:04
whatever valid points they’re making
01:07
because our ego so desperately wants to
01:10
win
01:10
wants to be right and we see this at
01:13
every level this isn’t just in personal
01:14
romantic relationships or friendships or
01:16
family dynamics
01:17
it happens in politics you know we see
01:20
both sides
01:21
ignoring what may be rational or
01:24
reasonable about the other side’s
01:25
argument because of the fear of seeding
01:29
any ground whatsoever to the opposition
01:33
god forbid i give up some of my power
01:36
and
01:36
get myself off balance in the process
01:39
i’ve done this before
01:41
got so wrapped up in wanting to be right
01:44
that even when i see that someone else
01:47
has a point
01:48
i’ve dug my heels into my own logic
01:50
further to contort the dialectic in my
01:53
favor
01:53
and the result of course is that the
01:56
truth
01:56
becomes ever more hidden we get this
02:00
complete
02:00
lack of nuance in the information that
02:03
we’re fed it becomes
02:04
caricatured on both sides doesn’t it the
02:07
truth meanwhile
02:08
lurks deep in the sedimentary layer
02:11
far below the tempestuous ocean above
02:15
where the arguments take place on the
02:17
surface level
02:18
it’s a horrible thing to experience
02:20
because
02:21
we leave a conversation or an argument
02:24
not knowing what reality is anymore
02:28
you know it’s like being caught by a
02:30
wave in the ocean
02:31
just the wrong moment that has us
02:33
somersaulting toward the seabed
02:36
and by the time we come to our senses
02:39
we don’t know which way is up anymore we
02:41
know we need to swim but we don’t even
02:43
know in what direction
02:44
if you’ve ever been gaslighted then you
02:46
know that experience of
02:48
feeling like you’re going mad like
02:50
you’re losing touch with reality
02:53
your trust and confidence in yourself
02:55
and your own opinions gets eroded to the
02:57
point of
02:58
not even wanting to speak anymore and
03:00
perhaps one of the worst things about
03:02
gaslighting is that
03:04
when it’s being done effectively we
03:06
don’t know it’s being done at all
03:08
which brings us to today’s question how
03:11
do you know if you’re being gaslighted
03:14
and what can you do about it number one
03:17
get some space from the conversation
03:20
that’s happening
03:22
getting closer and closer to the
03:24
conversation and chopping it up a
03:26
thousand different ways which you’ve
03:28
probably
03:29
done starts to get diminishing returns
03:32
you no longer get any more clarity it
03:34
just gets more confusing and both of you
03:37
just get more entrenched in your way of
03:38
thinking it doesn’t mean going on a
03:40
break from your partner it just means
03:41
getting enough space
03:43
that you can quiet your mind quiet
03:46
enough to know where i might be being
03:49
unreasonable or where i might have
03:51
reacted
03:52
badly and where i have a valid point
03:55
that’s not being acknowledged
03:58
number two have conversations
04:01
with people you trust who have no agenda
04:05
this isn’t about getting a tribunal
04:07
together of all of your friends and
04:09
inviting all of their emotional demons
04:11
and biases to the table
04:12
to have a voice on your relationship
04:15
that’s dangerous
04:16
instead pick a couple of strategic
04:19
conversations with people who are wise
04:22
people whose opinions you value and who
04:25
you can trust to be
04:26
impartial in other words to not simply
04:30
tell you
04:30
what you want to hear ideally people who
04:33
know a bit about your history your
04:34
patterns your tendencies that helps but
04:36
it’s not absolutely essential
04:38
what is essential is you feel like
04:41
they’re telling
04:42
you the truth because although that may
04:45
not result in things that you
04:46
want to hear what it will do is it will
04:49
mean that when they tell you you have a
04:51
point
04:52
your reasoning is valid your grievances
04:55
are valid
04:56
you’ll believe them number three
04:59
pay attention to your feelings
05:02
sometimes when we’re obsessing over
05:04
who’s right or wrong in an argument
05:06
we lose sight of an even more important
05:09
truth
05:10
how this person makes us feel
05:14
see sometimes we’re debating with
05:17
someone who’s a
05:18
black belt in debating they know
05:21
every move they’ve perfected these moves
05:24
with a person like this
05:25
it can always feel like we lost the
05:27
argument but that doesn’t mean we’re not
05:30
right
05:30
it simply means that this person has
05:33
linguistic
05:34
capabilities that we are not used to or
05:37
practiced enough
05:39
to deal with what helps is to get out of
05:41
the complexity of the argument itself
05:44
and get into the simplicity of certain
05:47
questions about how you feel
05:50
when i honestly and bravely and
05:52
authentically
05:53
bring up my feelings to this person
05:57
does the conversation leave me feeling
06:00
worse
06:00
or better seething or soothed
06:04
stupid or seen we’re never going to be
06:08
right all the time
06:09
in fact in our relationships we’re going
06:11
to be misguided
06:13
and wrong a lot of the time
06:16
but the right relationship should have a
06:18
healing property
06:20
it should make us feel more confident it
06:22
should make us feel
06:24
safer more loved it should engender a
06:27
style of communication that
06:29
compassionately helps us
06:31
understand and navigate where we may be
06:34
wrong
06:34
and lovingly acknowledges where
06:38
we are right
06:38
[Music]
06:41
if you’re watching this and you’re
06:43
realizing that you don’t pay enough
06:45
attention
06:46
to the things that are making you happy
06:49
and you’re
06:49
not being brave enough right now to let
06:52
go of certain things
06:54
situations people that are making you
06:57
unhappy i would love for you to join us
07:00
on the virtual retreat that is coming up
07:02
because i’m going to be spending three
07:04
days virtually
07:06
live with people walking them through
07:09
a kind of reset of their lives to really
07:12
look at
07:12
everything and go what is going to make
07:15
me happy in the next chapter
07:17
what do i need to move away from and
07:19
what do i need to move towards
07:21
it’s going to be an amazing time it is
07:23
the closest thing that i have to my live
07:25
retreat
07:26
because we’re actually going to be
07:27
together live virtually
07:30
from all over the world working on our
07:32
lives it’s a process that i’m going
07:34
through for me
07:35
to look at what i want out of the next
07:36
year to five years and i’m inviting you
07:38
to join us to do the same
07:40
if you have questions about it you want
07:41
to know more come ask us those questions
07:43
i’ve got a team that are ready to speak
07:45
to you
07:45
go to mhvirtualretreat.com
07:49
and as always i will see you next week
08:10
you
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video
