3 Things I Blatantly Ignored About Dating

The ‘I have to have it all’ nailed down approach

A lot of guys like to focus on external factors like material wealth, physique, looks, or status as the answer to their dating woes.

It’s all wrong.

Most people who have “lots of dating opportunities” and “high status” are not the result of one thing causing the other.

These things develop alongside in tandem.

It’s kind of like a positive feedback loop.

The problem here is, if you’re an average guy and you try to focus on wealth and appearance as a solution to your failure in dating, you’re actually wasting your time, and not getting any closer to your actual dating goals.

Then there’s this belief:

The ‘I have to be totally secure and complete first’ myth

“I MUST be the most ideal, perfect, and fulfilled version of myself first!”

No one, including yourself, will ever be done with self-improvement. You can end up waiting around your entire life if you buy into this.

But, it’s not just about being safe and secure in yourself.

Others believe (because it’s been conditioned in us by society) that it’s all about being nice or having a “positive” mindset that will grant us success.

“Just be yourself.”
“Be nice and respectful.”
“Work on your self-belief and women will notice that.”

It’s terrible advice and misses the point.

Personal growth, self-improvement, or whatever you want to call it is great, but it, along with accumulating wealth, won’t automatically lead to anything, especially relationships with women.

If there’s no balance, you’ll end up frustrated.

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However, I will say this, for most men, this whole “dating game” isn’t some overly complicated puzzle.

Once you figure out one or two aspects, the whole thing sort of “clicks into place” and things open up.

This is what happens when you figure it all out

1. “Having” a better lifestyle is more conducive to successful dating

More access to women
Less logistical headaches or challenges
More money = more leverage and less stress (when dating)

2. By “being” emotionally balanced, spiritually grounded, clean and sober, you will:

Self-sabotage your life and relationships far less often
Feel more confident
Find that attraction follows the compound effect

(Short note about the last point)

The irony is, women will notice you more when you’re already with a woman. I know, crazy, right?

It’s social proof — you’re already vetted by a woman, so now you’re more “desirable.” The goal here is to capitalize on that momentum without falling into that catch-22.

3. Take more risks by actively “doing” something about your life

While there are no guarantees of anything in life (except death and taxes), doing something more often than not directly results in:

More dates
Sex
Companionship
Or wisdom for the future

Theory is great, but nothing beats taking risks.

The 3 areas of your life you need to adjust

I’ll be honest here, we’re going to go tackle this with a more high-level approach because everyone’s situation is unique, but there are things that generally apply to everyone.

1. You need to optimize your life for success in dating:

What I mean here is you need to work on the “to have” paradigm.

While I’m no millionaire, you don’t have to be one to have a successful dating life.

Nor do you need to make a 6-figure income.

It’s so obvious. The median income in the US for married couples is about $110,000 per year. For the sake of this argument, divide that by two, and you’re left with about $50,000 for each person.

And that’s far from multi-millionaire status.

If you’re in a small town, or your city has a piss-poor dating pool (like mine) — it’s time to move.

I know this might be hard to believe, but your dating success is going to be limited by the types of people you have local to you.

Right now, this is one of my top priorities. My main goal for the next year is moving to a city with a larger population, more things to do, and a better dating pool.

Also, here’s a tough lesson I had to learn right after my ex left me:

My crazy, erratic work schedule was actively working against me.

I was had to work every Saturday night from 2 pm to 11 pm for 6+ months in a row. It might have even been close to a year. Literally.

Saturday nights are prime dating time
There was little to no spontaneity. Everything had to be planned around that closing shift

I quickly learned that I had to find a way out of that job.

It’s your life. Time to make your schedule work for you, not against you.

If your job is killing your free time, or if it’s severely limiting what you can do financially, it’s time to adjust.

Which brings me back to this point, it’s not about being filthy-rich or having a bunch of over-priced exotic cars or something like that, all you need is a good enough income to support a lifestyle that can encompass another person.

Fix your finances so you can date without stress.

2. Focus on getting your mindset to a functional capacity

I know that’s a bit vague, but here’s what I mean.

A lot of people think they need to be happy all the time, completely secure or in some “enlightened” state of being first to find a partner.

It is worth noting, however, that substance or alcohol abuse will significantly affect your love life. Obviously.

But this dependency is indicative of deeper issues. Get to the root cause of that, and work on the problem.

Besides that though, I’ve found the more you try to “work on yourself,” the more addictive it gets. There’s always a new “goal” or “state of being” you can attain, but it won’t really help you succeed in dating.

You just have to stop self-sabotaging.

Because the biggest thing I noticed that was holding me back from approaching women or letting myself be “me,” was all the over-thinking and self-doubt.

There’s nothing extra you can add in that case to “make things better.” What solved this was just acting first, and worrying about it later.

Remember: things like confidence or happiness aren’t ethereal, cosmic forces. They’re just habits you have to work at daily.

So instead of trying to get or “arrive” at happiness, ask:

“Am I in a good enough place mentally and emotionally to enjoy and contribute to a relationship?”

If so, you’re ready. You don’t have to be 100% because some healing and growth only happens when you’re in a relationship.

3. Take consistent action (“Doing” paradigm) because volume is key here

This is the part most people try to focus on — or at least what most advice leans into.

A lot of coaches have things like elaborate, complicated scripts or pick-up lines that they want you to memorize or master.

This can work… to some extent, but misses the point.

I learned that you just have to be consistent, because even if you’re not perfect, smooth, or suave in every situation, you’ll at least learn something important.

(That it’s okay to be messy and hesitant)

It’s better to set a weekly goal than to memorize every line.

For example, there’s one girl I was too scared to talk to when she sat down next to me one day in a restaurant, and all I did was compliment her appearance. She was actually quite friendly, and I could have continued on but I pulled back.

And that was months ago.

But with the momentum and experience I have now? That situation would have been way less nerve-wracking than it was now, that’s why consistency is so critical because it builds resilience.

X number of approaches per week
X number of dates per week/month
X number of messages sent per week

And so on.

Track the results and adjust accordingly.

You can:

Swipe daily or message as often as possible (Though, I’d highly recommend limiting your reliance on dating apps)
Approach whenever possible, even if it feels uncomfortable
Don’t just “hope” you’ll run into someone, be intentional — go places where you’re more likely to meet people

There’s nothing complicated here: the more you try, the more chances you create.

Final thoughts,

Quite a bit of dating content comes from people who think they have it all figured out or have all the answers.

But even I don’t.

Most people are struggling with some flaw, weakness or insecurity — even the “experts.”

But I can tell you, if you at least DO something, even if it’s something less than ideal — swiping on an app with a decent profile, you’re bound to meet someone.

If you’re stuck, ask yourself:

“Who am I showing up as to other people?”
“What am I doing that is contributing (or not) to my success?”
“How much is my environment helping or hindering me?”
“Am I missing something, or do I need to accept the reality about my dating life?”

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If you’re dealing with toxic relationships, avoidant behavior, or you’re struggling to voice your needs, I put together this guide on setting boundaries, using a simple, no-BS method to set limits in dating and relationships. Download your copy here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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