Sometimes we do things that hold us back in life because of false narratives we learned early in life or because it’s oftentimes easier to just do these things instead of doing something else that’s harder, but more empowering. Many men don’t even realize they’re doing these things.

I’m going to address some of the things that hold us back and how we can stop doing them.

Not dealing with dark emotions

All of us experience dark emotions, such as sadness, anger, guilt, shame, and low self-worth. If we don’t acknowledge these emotions, they can cause a lot of problems in our lives. Many men don’t acknowledge them because they were taught dysfunctional narratives, such as “Suck it up,” “Be strong,” “People don’t wanna hear your sob stories,” and other phrases that make them bury their feelings.

When we don’t acknowledge these painful emotions, they become stronger. Many of us try to numb the pain with alcohol, drugs, food, cigarettes, social media, or other things that distract us from our discomfort. This can lead to addiction, wasted time, poor health, and premature death. It causes more mental and emotional pain later because we’re not facing our feelings.

I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father who always told me I was a loser, so I never believed I was enough and thought there was something wrong with me. I tried to escape from the pain of my low self-esteem and shame by using drugs and alcohol at age 14.

Men who don’t process their anger properly sometimes physically or verbally assault innocent people or do other things that displace their anger. A man who’s mad at his boss verbally abuses his wife to release his pent-up feelings because he believes it’s safer than arguing with his boss. A teenager who’s slapped by his father later slaps his younger brother for no reason.

The solution to this problem is to acknowledge your dark feelings. Accept that you’re feeling anger, shame, low self-esteem, or other uncomfortable things and that it’s ok to feel this way. First, say to yourself, “I’m feeling x right now,” where x is the dark emotion you’re feeling. Then talk to others about how you feel. Find a friend, family member, counselor, co-worker, or someone else who will listen to you.

It takes honesty and vulnerability to acknowledge and talk about uncomfortable feelings, but it’s a great way to get them out into the open so they don’t build up inside us.

Settling for less

A lot of men settle for unfulfilling relationships, jobs, hobbies, living environments, and other things that hold them back. We settle for less than we deserve or less than we’re capable of achieving. A lot of us believe we don’t deserve better jobs, relationships, or success. I settled for unfulfilling relationships at many points in my life because I didn’t believe I was enough. I didn’t think I deserved to be with better women who would meet my needs.

Many people settle for dead-end jobs because they don’t believe they have what it takes to get a better job or because it’s easy to perform the mediocre job they have now. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when we’re settling because we make excuses or deceive ourselves into believing we’re doing fine.

How do we know when we’re settling and what can we do about it?

One way is to know when you’re not living in alignment with your values and who you are. When I was released from prison, I graduated from a state university and built a great career in technology. This career helped me rebuild my life by earning a lot of money, buying a house, and learning how to live a law-abiding, structured life. But after years of working in this industry, my jobs became increasingly unfulfilling.

I later discovered I wasn’t living in alignment with my true values, which were social justice, personal growth, and helping others. Years later, I became a life and organizational development coach, speaker, and non-fiction writer. I went back into prisons to educate and motivate incarcerated men. These things made me feel joy, fulfillment, and a strong sense of purpose because I was living according to my values.

Make sure you are living in alignment with your values. Don’t run away from who you are. Be authentic. Find the jobs, hobbies, and people that are congruent with who you are. It oftentimes takes a lot more work, but it’s well worth it.

Being too nice

We should be nice to others, but when we’re not setting reasonable boundaries, we’re being too nice, which causes a lot of problems. The world is full of people-pleasers who do things that go against their values and identities because they want to be accepted by others.

We were told at a young age to be very nice to women, but a lot of men are too nice to them. They buy women too many things too quickly and are afraid to disagree with them because they fear rejection. Many men change their own values and beliefs to match those of the women they’re trying to impress. These men are doing these things to try to get more respect from women, but they’re paradoxically losing their respect.

Women are very intuitive. They can sense when men aren’t being authentic and standing up for themselves and their values. They don’t like men who are doormats. Women want strong men who have integrity, set boundaries, and aren’t afraid to own their own opinions.

Guys who are too nice are obsessed with being accepted at the expense of their self-worth. Many of them fail to set strong boundaries. They let people take advantage of them. When I started my career in technology, I didn’t ask for raises often enough because I just wanted to be pleasant and be grateful for my jobs.

When I really began to value myself more, I asked for more raises, and made much more money. If companies didn’t pay me what I deserved, I’d find a better-paying job and leave the one that didn’t pay me enough.

How do we know when we’re being too nice? Here are some signs:

• You’re doing things that don’t feel right.
• You feel guilty after agreeing to do something.
• Your needs aren’t being met.
• You constantly feel like you’re tolerating too much crap in your life.

Stop being too nice and reclaim your power. To do this, start setting firm boundaries, stand up for yourself, and make sure you’re living according to your values—not someone else’s values.

It’s ok to be disagreeable at times. Just make sure you do it with respect. Tell people what you want, listen to what they have to say, but stand your ground. You may be surprised at how many people will respect you even more when you stand up for yourself.

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