3 Things Try Before Ending Your Relationship

In 2019, my relationship was beginning to unravel with Mr. Brooks. We’d started off in an already challenging situation, meeting only weeks before I moved hundreds of miles away. Not to mention, we both had significant trust issues from past relationships that went a bit unhealed. Also, Mr. Brooks was starting a new company and didn’t have the luxury of time or resources to focus on building a relationship. We were working with a lot of challenges in years 1–3. That being said, I do believe that is how, with success, we have found our way through.

Every couple fights; in reality, if you don’t ever fight that in itself is a red flag. Trust me. I, too, found that out the hard way. Being comfortable with conflict is key to relational growth so long as we are all presumably fighting fair and in ways that are not violent, aggressive, or toxic to one another. Every couple also goes through highs and lows, with the highs feeling orgasmic and the lows feeling like severe depression or resentment. Sometimes, life is hard, and shit happens, so when you feel like the relationship has gone to hell in a handbag, try these things before you call it off:

Go to counseling

When I say go to counseling, I don’t mean to drag your partner there a handful of times to fix a problem. No, I mean deep, intensive work over a short period. When Mr. Brooks and I realized we were not communicating effectively, nor were we fighting fair, we went to a couples counselor every week for a month. Next, we tapered down to twice a month. Now we go once a month as needed to keep the routine and support the BIG stuff that gets hard to handle without coaching. If you do three months of counseling in a meaningful way, you may find a lot of uncovered tragedies to be easily fixed: communication, safe words, planning, and emotional expression. Counseling is like getting your oil changes on your car; the more miles, the more care needed.

Try sex and intimacy sessions

You may have seen the Sex, Love & Goop episodes with Gwyneth Paltrow, where couples use somatic sexology to reconnect and reinvigorate their connections. If you can’t get out of your head, the next best release is to get out-of-body. Learn your body and your partner’s body as a way to access deep spiritual, sensual, and emotional connections in ways that allow you to both be students to one another and the relationship. Being vulnerable is scary but exciting as you both try something new together.

Do a photoshoot

For those that follow me on Instagram (@cc_atruestory), you likely saw my recent Boudoir photos that came out this month. This was, as a woman, a way for me to first and foremost regain my self-confidence after my partner cheated and secondly for my partner to see me in a new light. Look, this is a moment you could quickly begin to judge, but hear me out. By getting back to your foundational sense of self-love, you find a new, unspoken attraction coming from your partner as well. Sometimes cheating happens in relationships (statistically +70% of all long-term relationships will experience this), but if you decide to commit and be part of the small percentage of people to make it past the transgression, finding self-love and ways to highlight your sexiness is HUGE. Mr. Brooks also did a photoshoot, and we will likely do a couples photoshoot in the future for us both to continue to see one another from a new lens. As Marcel Proust said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.”

Set household goals

When Mr. Brooks and I began to rebuild a relationship tattered by emotional havoc, we began to realize we were still operating as two beings under one roof. While having independence is lovely, joint goals are essential for me as a woman to feel secure in what we are building and for him as a man to feel confident that I will empower him to create. We set goals for the year and have monthly check-in dates to evaluate where we are in the relationship and have moments to be honest with ourselves. These dates now have meaning beyond nagging or honeymoon re-boots; these conversations are about keeping each other accountable to whom we want to become as partners and people living our best lives.

Ultimately, try new things

I think before any couple throws in the towel on a good thing, try to get out of your comfort zones. Find neutral territory. Seek expert advice. Hire and surround yourself with people that want you to be successful, to give yourself and the relationship a shot. If you do all these things and nothing works, or if you or your partner don’t want to put in the work, it becomes an amicable decision versus a chaotic departure with a chance to scar both of you well into the future of your next relationship. Know that nothing is perfect. We are human, and learning who we are and what we want is part of living.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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