Although I’d love to be the kind of person who waltzes into first dates accompanied by a breezy air of confidence, my stomach always, always, twists around itself. Multiple times.
If you’re an introvert, like me, you’re familiar with the struggle of going out on a first date. Going through the process of meeting someone new can be frustrating at first.
Extroverts love going out and meeting new people — the more people they get to know, the better they feel. For introverts, however, dating can be a bit more complicated.
~introvert: someone who is shy, quiet, and prefers to spend time alone rather than being with other people.
We introverts like to retreat into our shells and remain in the comfort of our own home. So, when we do decide to come out of our shell and go out with someone for the first time, I think most of us would agree that there are things that we’d hate to hear on a date.
Here’s what you should avoid saying to an introvert on a first date so that it doesn’t turn out to be…a disaster.
1. You Don’t Talk Very Much
So, here’s the thing. We introverts don’t talk very much in general, let alone when we just started getting to know someone new.
The “you don’t talk very much” thing has always been my number one fear when it came to first dates. Every time I was about to go on a date, a question kept dancing around in my head:
What are we going to talk about?
I didn’t want the other person to feel awkward or unwanted but I also was perfectly aware of my struggle with initiating conversations.
Up until today, there has been only one person who told me these awful five words on a date — I never spoke to them again.
What’s important to remember is that it takes time for a shy, introverted person to open up. We also like to map out what we think before we speak. You’re not being rejected if we’re not being chatty; we probably don’t feel very comfortable — yet.
The takeaway is, pointing out our quietness will do nothing but make us feel self-conscious, embarrassed, and awkward. Chances are, from the moment you say something like that, we’ll want to end the date as sooner as possible.
What to do instead: Ask your introverted date some questions to draw them out. Make them talk about a topic they care about. One great question would be something like, “Would you like to tell me about your favorite artist/song/movie/book?”
2. You Should Go out More Often
When you’re out on a date, it’s natural to ask the other person what they like doing in their free time, what are their favorite places to go out, etc.
It’s probably one of the first things you ask. Once you get close to an introvert, you’ll soon realize that most of us think that the best plans are… no plans at all. Most times, we prefer staying home to going out. We hate parties, large gatherings, and over-crowded places.
Why go out when you can stay home, watch Netflix and eat pizza?
While you may disagree with that preference of entertainment, saying to an introvert that they should go out more often is downright rude. You make them feel criticized, like there’s something wrong with them, like they lead a boring life.
As Linda and Charlie Bloom explain in their article in Psychology Today,
“The introvert wants to hear from their partner, that their style of being in the world is respected, and their desire for solitude is just part of their personality. They want to be accepted, and to be understood that it’s not because they are cold, uncaring, or unloving that they draw boundaries.”
The truth is, we all like different things, and our ideas of “the perfect night” differ. For example, the idea of getting drunk at a party with a bunch of strangers makes me wanna vomit, but I would never say to a party animal that they should stay at home more.
Why? Because, it’s none of my business how the other person likes to spend their free time.
What to do instead: Instead of urging why your introvert date to go out more, why don’t you try asking them something along the lines of, “Why do you like staying at home?” or “What do you usually do when you’re home?” This way you’ll get a better idea of how they think and act, and will understand them a bit more.
3. Tell Me What You’re Thinking About
Introverts love to think.
Observe, listen, and think. That’s what we do best.
Even on a date, you might find us drawn into our thoughts. However, if you ask an introvert to tell you what they’re thinking about, you’ll probably get no answer and make them feel weird.
The truth is, we think about many things simultaneously. So, for one, we don’t actually know what answer to give you. What is it I’m thinking about? Well, how about everything at once?
Plus, they might feel like you’re violating their personal space. We don’t want you trying to pry into our thoughts. Give us some time and let us do our thinking — we’ll share our thoughts with you when we’re ready.
What to do instead: If you notice your introvert date being drawn into their thoughts, try waiting for a little while, or ask them a question, let’s say, about their hobbies. If you start feeling uncomfortable and worrying that you said something wrong, just gently ask them.
Be specific instead of generally asking what’s going on inside their head — it can be difficult for them to explain.
Final Thoughts
I’d like to clarify that I’m not speaking on behalf of all introverts out there. Every person is different and approaches life and relationships in their own unique way.
As an introvert, however, I’d like people to know that we’re not special snowflakes nor do we think that we’re better than everyone else. We don’t expect special treatment. Maybe we are a bit weird — but who isn’t?
However, we are a bit more sensitive and there are phrases that can catch us off guard and make us feel awkward — and therefore, when said during a date, make the whole date a disaster.
Opposites attract. If you’re an extrovert, chances are you’ll go out with an introvert at one point or another. Keep your eyes open for their subtle signals. Try to give them time and space and respect their boundaries. That’s all there is to it, really.
Oh, and good luck.
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Previously published on medium
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