One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is make a dramatic change to improve your life.
It feels like you are scrapping everything that makes you comfortable and stepping into a room you didn’t know existed.
Breaking news: that’s the point of change.
You know what is more wild than that? Staying stagnant and then expecting a different result than what you’ve received.
Okay, so I won’t be so harsh. I get it.
You’re removing yourself from a place of comfort and safety.
That is the definition of growth in relationship terms.
The result you want is waiting for you, but you have to go out there and get it.
Change happens by executing action, but it also changes your belief system.
Your decisions have long-term implications for your future, especially in your dating life.
As people age, they become more rooted in their beliefs, denying the thought of change.
Sometimes, it is another form of becoming jaded.
There is a way to avoid that if you challenge your belief system and think of ways to evolve.
Well, let’s look at how you can make that happen.
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ZZZ
We grow up learning about the fantasy version of love.
You make a checklist for who the perfect person is, and you hold out until they come.
Then.
You meet the one when you least expect it and ride into the sunset.
I don’t want to kill your dream, but I am here to tell you to wake up.
Dating and relationships are a version of that fantasy, but there’s a component of being realistic to implement.
Dating and relationships do not work on fantasy and dreams. They function with two people working together to make the future feel like a dream.
There is a common thought that you hold out, “Don’t settle,” and wait.
Well, look around you. There are people all around who did not wait for that fantasy and created the dream life they wanted.
Checklist relationships backfire because you will always look for what someone is missing.
Then, your list becomes longer with unrealistic “standards.”
The key is to ask yourself what behaviors you want in a partner. You create the fantasy later.
The basics
If I could have it my way, I would have a house in the mountains, a beach house, and the ability to buy my friends and family anything they need.
I am not sure that is even my list of wants in life, but something more important than what I want is what I need.
I needed to pay off my student loans and finance a downpayment on a condo. I did that.
Where am I going with this?
Snowballing from the thought above, create a list of what you need in a relationship and remove the idea of what you want.
People quickly stop pursuing a relationship or continuing to date someone because basic wants aren’t visible from day one.
Honestly, it’s somewhat shallow.
People leave relationships because wants don’t last forever.
Your wants are superficial things like looks and lifestyle.
Needs are stability, communication, and behaviors that align with yours.
People look past that and miss out on connections that could last longer than they could imagine.
What do you need in a relationship?
The ultimate benefit to knowing the answer is that you can peacefully walk away or accept that you don’t fit someone else’s needs.
It is not a tense battle of who did what wrong. You understand the meaning of compatibility.
Mirror mirror
The first place you should start is looking within.
I promise I felt corny writing that, but it is the truth.
When we think about what is not going well in our dating or day-to-day life, we look at what is happening externally instead of the changes we can make.
How often do we discuss the changes to attract the right person?
I can give you an example.
Two years ago, when I began writing, I was exiting a relationship and wondered where to start my recovery process.
I did not spend my time fuming at my ex; instead, I converted that energy into learning about my attachment style, hobbies and interests, triggers, and negative personal behaviors, and came up with an acronym for what I was looking for in a woman.
The next thing I thought was how my friends would describe me if they had to. I went as far as to straight up asking them.
Take the time to think about what went wrong in your past experiences without mentioning your partner or someone you were dating.
The first change is removing the “reactionary,” or 50:50 tale of what has gone wrong.
That is not me saying that you are alleviating your past partners of responsibility, but what do you hold yourself solely accountable for?
You’d be surprised how often people skip this step and look for areas to shift blame.
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I want you to challenge yourself and not take it lightly.
What dreams have you fed yourself that, as you’ve grown, you learned are not realistic?
What are the areas that you need to grow in? I write articles about attachment styles, behaviors, triggers, etc. Use them as guidance to figure this out.
What do you need for the future?
It is up to you to challenge yourself in these areas and reflect on the choices YOU
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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a free coaching session. Here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Ian Stauffer on Unsplash
