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When we talk about depression, we typically focus on sadness – on the ways in which the condition manifests itself as withdrawal and loss of pleasure. But what if that’s not how depression feels for you? What if depression just makes you mad?
For many men, depression presents itself as a constant negative filter. Because you’re feeling down and are having a hard time accepting positive affirmations and reassurances, it’s easy to apply a negative lens to everything. This may cause you to pick fights, be overly critical of others, or refuse help. It can also take a real toll on your relationships.
So what can you do if you experience depression – of even if you’re just feeling out of sorts? Though it can be a real challenge, taking these 3 steps to acknowledge your emotions and communicate through them in a proactive manner can really transform and protect your relationships. It will make you feel vulnerable, and that’s not a bad thing.
Be Open
As men, we’re taught from a young age that we need to be circumspect about our emotions and that talking about feelings openly takes away from our masculinity, but that’s not true. It takes a lot more strength to be open about experiencing depression that it does to hide it.
The first step towards dealing with your depression is talking to loved ones about it, especially your romantic partner. As the psychotherapist Dr. Jed Diamond explains, depression is often worsened by isolation. No matter how much you just want to pull back from the people you care about, connecting with them can make you feel a lot better.
Resisting the pull of your depression like this is a trick known in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) as “acting opposite to emotion.” When you want to stay in bed, you get out and have breakfast with your wife or meet your friend to see a movie. When your mind is feeding you negative perceptions about everything, sometimes you have to act in counterintuitive ways.
Avoid Acting in Anger
Anger is one of the most dangerous and counterproductive emotions in any relationship because it prevents us from acting with kindness and compassion toward others and can quickly turn abusive. Unfortunately, when you’re depressed, a normal – and productive – disagreement can quickly turn into irritability and depression.
According to Dr. Michael Hanak, a family medicine practitioner at Rush University Medical Center, men are much more likely to experience irritability and aggression when depressed, and this can be dramatically worsened by the impulse to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.
One way to combat the tendency to act aggressively is by focusing on your communication skills. If you tend to respond to anything your partner says without thinking, take a minute before speaking. Silence is okay in conversation, and it can give everyone a chance to respond in a considered fashion.
Additionally, when you’re feeling calm, take a moment to talk to your partner or friends about what kind of communication works for you when you’re depressed. Do you need them to walk away from the conversation if you start getting aggressive? Do you need them to give you more time to think rather than expecting answers right away? Set some terms and then stick to them. This can give you a sense of control over social situations when you’re feeling especially distressed.
Get Help
Therapy can make a big difference in how you manage depression, and you don’t have to go it alone. Attending couples counseling together, as well as individual counseling for both partners, can help you learn ways to communicate despite depression. It’s important to remember that you’re in this together, but that your depression isn’t something either of you caused.
When attending therapy, keep in mind that this is a long-term way of addressing an often chronic problem. It’s not a quick fix and it may get worse before it gets better. Still, working with a neutral party can help you and your partner gain a sense of perspective on the issue, while going to individual counseling allows you each to air grievances and work through emotions independently of the other.
Depression is a common and natural occurrence, but it’s never an excuse. Take control of your emotions and protect your relationship. The fact is, no matter what your emotions tell you right now, you’re worth the work.
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This post made possible by site supporter Larry Alton
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