3 Tips To Feel More Loved in Your Marriage

Wouldn’t it be great if one of your wedding presents was a manual on how to keep the love alive in your marriage? Many people think this should be automatic and it leads to the “mind-reading” school of marriage. The “if my spouse really loved me, they would just know” approach. If you’ve adopted this attitude, your marriage probably isn’t as good as you’d like it to be.

All of us want to feel loved, especially by our spouse. And there are some simple, but not necessarily easy, things you can do to increase the odds for love and greater happiness in your marriage.

1.Give what you want to get. I used to belong to a networking group, BNI, whose mantra was “Givers gain”. The golden rule follows the same principle—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. The same philosophy works in your marriage. If you give your wife smiles, laughter, “I love you”s, time, and the benefit of the doubt, you increase the chance you will receive them in return.

This behavior also contributes to the 5:1 rule of happiness. This rule states that it takes 5 positive interactions to balance out one negative one. So, the more positive actions you take, the less power a single negative one has to upset your marriage apple cart.

2.Share. Not just chores around the house but who you are. Share your time, energy, thoughts, experiences, passion, commitment, in other words, everything that matters to you. Share your confidence and your vulnerability. Share what you want and need and when you could use some help.

Marriage isn’t about staying independent and solitary. It also isn’t an amorphous blob of dependence that creates confusion about where you end and your wife begins. Marriage is a kind of interdependence that connects the two of you. Sharing has the power to build this deeper connection. It’s actually love in motion.

3. Let go of resentment. In order to fully share, you have to have an open heart. This means any resentment you feel has to go. Resentment kills love because it makes it impossible for you to receive it. Everything your wife says and does is seen through this toxic lens. It distorts what you see and feel. It twists the story that you tell yourself about her and your marriage.

As Sharon Alder said, “Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.” So, until you can let the resentment go, no matter how much your wife loves you and tries to show it, your heart will remain untouched.

Start with giving what you want to get. And then move to sharing. Often resentment will fade just by following those two tips. If it doesn’t, or if you can’t do those steps because of lingering resentment, then making a conscious choice to let it go is what’s called for.

Choosing to let go of resentment doesn’t mean that what happened in the past doesn’t matter. It also doesn’t mean ignoring what caused it. It does mean finding a way to deal with it. Sometimes this involves talking to her about it. Sometimes it means seeing if there is another interpretation than the one that’s taken root in your heart. And sometimes it means seeking out help from a professional.

But whatever it takes, it is worth the effort. You and your marriage deserve it.

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This post was previously published on foundationscoachingnc.com.

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