Some people believe girls are more about “feeling too much”, but in fact, this is a feature that is suitable both for men and women and depends on the type of character. If you are an empathic, emotional and romantic person with a bright choleric temperament most likely you are about to fall in love too much. Some things like social distancing from people, sociophobia, bad relations with family, depression, and mental illnesses may lead to the fact, that your love most likely will develop into the toxic self and later not the only self-distracting way.
Fairytales, cartoons and movies teach us that while loving someone we need to give everything we have, think about the person all the time and be all in the relationship. Art and literature also teach us how to sacrifice ourselves for being happy in love. For example, “all people change while start living together since they become more alike” or “we all have to change our habits when we meet someone since we need to deal with the feelings of the different person”. These phrases illustrate very well how mass culture teaches us that we need to wash away in someone else and mix with the life and destiny of the other person while starting our relationships. However, this “collaboration” always leads to bad consequences. In fact, to the complete loss of yourself, loss of interest to you and break up. How does it happen?
Being Someones Shadow
While falling in love we get too much dopamine in our blood, which makes it harder for us to think without emotions and we take everything only with our heart. So all small things bring us too much happiness and too much pain, we take all words seriously as well as we see an object of our love as someone completely ideal.
Finding something perfect we reflect this perfection in ourselves. This is one of the main features of socialization. We copy what we like in others and try to bring it to our lives as well. However, having too much dopamine and being completely “lost” in someone, we may take too many things, like:
- preferences in art (music, movies);
- style and culture of speaking;
- gastro and sports habits;
- work schedule.
This may be good, but only if you combine it with your own set of uses and habits since in the other way, you will become a calm shadow of the opposite person, getting lost more and more you risk to find out you can’t see yourself in all of it. So the other person will think — being pretty able to see and understand everything that’s going on around, your lover will either:
- become scared you’ve lost yourself and will be distanced from you so you will be able to recall who you really are;
- will feel too narcissistic about being so cool that you’ve copied all his or her life and will finally switch on someone who won’t be so obsessed.
We want to date people who take us real and see us real: with our advantages and cons. Obsession is blindness. Blindness leads to fear and loss of interest. You need to remember you’ve been loved for who you are.
Losing Personal Borders
You may not be fully obsessed with the person. It happens more often when we just move our personal borders and start making excuses and exclusions for people from our personal rules and principles.
It always starts small, for example, someone asks you not to wear your favourite T-Shirt and as a normal person you think: “hm, it’s only a t-shirt I can stop wearing it”. And then, accidentally, you find yourself going on more and more compromises. Here are dangerous lights you should consider:
- work-related questions — never let people change your work habits or work routine without your own will. This is a border and not a part of your personal life;
- personal wastes — if you earn money yourself and waste on things that are completely useless but you like, this is your personal choice and your personal will, you never need to change it;
- family relations — never allow people influence your relations with family and friends, if this has nothing to do with the second person and is only related to your family and you.
These things should be considered and never allowed to be changed, because this may become only a very beginning. Once people touch your personal borders and you move them, the game has begun and you may move a border once, but a bit later there will be more issues and requests, more things you have to change and finally:
- your partner will face a scandal from you, so you will suddenly start protesting against everything and you will break up because of your own initiative;
- your partner will completely change you and say: “honey, I no longer know who you really are”
You may save personal relations cool, but there should always be a border between your daily and personal love for the beloved person.
Too Much Pain
Loving too much gives us many emotions: normally, this is a great source of dopamine and endorphins. From the very beginning, we feel them because we are in love. With time, there start being less and less dopamine and we start having arguments and crises to feel something bright again. That’s how love may bring us too much pain.
Just because we love someone too much we:
- take words too seriously and take everything into personal account, while it just maybe emotions;
- take every scandal as the end of the world;
- start being constantly afraid of another conflict to come.
Such reactions can make love toxic for both of you and in this situation, your lover most likely will:
- give up on you because as a normal person he or she will want to make you happy and give you a better life;
- give you up to avoid stress him or herself.
As you could see, in all the situations too much love leads to feeling too much pain, along with a love of course, but still. This leads to a complete loss of personality and vanishes your personal boundaries. Feeling too much love is dangerous for normal and healthy relationships, that’s why you always need to take another person as just a living creature you love. Not a God, not a living ideal. This is just someone, you met and you like. Don’t take everything too seriously and always save yourself as only these things will lead to healthy relations.
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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