What if I told you there was one method to creating room for communication in your relationship?
You would look at me like I am crazy, right?
We all want it to be that simple, but the truth is that we have to break down layers of behavioral information to begin learning how to build communication with someone.
If you know me and follow my writing, you see the layer I focus on is our attachment style.
We have a set of behaviors that we think are personal to us but are more related to our attachment style. Breaking down those barriers can provide clarity for a community.
The community I am to help the most is the dismissive-avoidant community because I’m a transitioning one myself.
Remember, this transition is not weeks to months; it’s months to years.
One piece in the behavioral transition that is challenging for the dismissive is learning how to communicate personally and in a relationship.
Let’s take a deep dive into learning how to communicate in a relationship.
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Set the stage
It might sound irrational to you, but communicating about non-surface-level topics is a task for a dismissive-avoidant.
Something that comes across as an easy conversation to you can be troubling for the dismissive-avoidant.
To a DA, it feels like it could turn into something invasive or requires being vulnerable.
Dismissive avoidants have a hard time being vulnerable because they value their independence-Being vulnerable sounds like they can’t handle something and need to depend on you.
To fix this, setting the stage for healthy communication will take effort from both partners to create a safe space to be open.
The “safe space” term is starting to sound cliche but stay with me.
You or your partner need to aim to avoid two triggers: fear of vulnerability and high expectations.
When you talk to a dismissive avoidant, speak in “we” or how the conversation benefits the unit.
You can also create an opening for you or your partner to be open through shared experiences.
The DA doesn’t like to feel the weight of the spotlight, but if you share pieces of yourself, too, they will open up.
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Let them go…Not very far
I will say this in every article I write until I die. Remember, I am not writing for someone unwilling to change and work to transition attachment style.
For the partner of the DA: When the DA pulls away, let them, at first.
- They must feel you respect their boundary, or they will pull away even harder.
- Often, once they have a sense of freedom and space, they realize it is fulfilling a momentary feeling, and it is not what they want.
Now let’s get back to my aggressive call to action. What we laid out above does not give the DA any right to shut down and distance themselves.
The time limit you give your partner has to get shorter, and as the DA, reciprocate the effort to shorten it.
The DA needs that alone time to process their emotions and feel that the time is respected.
As the DA, you need to recognize that it is not the distance from your partner you are looking for; it is the time to gather your thoughts.
Needing space and time to process is ok as you are transitioning. You need to communicate where the need is coming from and refrain from projecting that onto something your partner is doing wrong.
It’s YOUR JOB to cure that need.
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Short vacation
The last point is a challenge to both partners: create a foundation to revisit a topic after a conversation has ended.
Let me explain from each partner’s perspective.
Dismissive avoidants:
You like to end a discussion and not “reopen” the dialogue; in short terms, you’re over with it. Well, that’s not how conversations work for others.
They like to revisit something they did not have the chance to say during the initial conversation.
That does not mean they are badgering you or trying to annoy you.
Just because they have more thoughts about a topic does not mean they are overthinking or trying to be overly critical of you.
Partners of the DA:
Ensure you are rehashing something important without being overly critical of your partner.
There might be an opportunity to work through something alone and self-soothe.
The moral is that there has to be a middle ground, so the DA feels like it’s an attack when revisiting a conversation.
You (the DA partner) need to feel like there is free space to have a positive interaction if you have more thoughts on an old conversation.
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Remember, the transition is not short. You are unlearning years’ worth of behavior and learning new techniques to move forward.
Be patient with yourself, and do not rush the process.
What I am teaching you are not methods to stay stagnant where you are.
These are building blocks that you can comfortably implement in your transition. It is up to you to do the work.
As the partner of the DA, you have to remain patient as well but also have a stance that does not allow your partner to not change.
Recognize that chance when that happens and reward it.
After all, the ultimate reward is the health of your relationship.
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Want to learn about the triggers that lead to dismissive avoidants having this need for healthy communication? Get a free guide here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Tri Vo on Unsplash
