4 Common Misconceptions About Attachment Theory & Attachment Styles

Attachment theory can be a wonderful tool to understand ourselves better and become aware of our beliefs about love and intimacy.

However, there are many misconceptions out there.

Sometimes, we end up having a very rigid mindset around our attachment style (we believe it’s an identity we can’t change). Other times, we think we need to be “fully healed” before entering a secure relationship.

If we want to use attachment theory and all its knowledge for the better, we need to understand how it actually works — and what we can do to become more secure.

So let’s dive into the 4 main misconceptions about attachment theory and attachment style.

…

1. Your attachment style is the same in every relationship.

It’s important to understand that attachment styles are, essentially, psychological and behavioral patterns. They’re a set of coping mechanisms we’ve developed to manage stress and feel safer in our relationships.

Anxiously attached people need constant reassurance to feel safer. Avoidant people need space and independence to feel safer. And those who oscillate between the two (those who are fearful-avoidant) need both reassurance and space to feel safer. It all depends on our backgrounds.

Becoming aware of our patterns can be incredibly healing, but that doesn’t mean we should be reduced to them. It simply means we now have a tool to understand our deepest fears, triggers, and beliefs.

Attachment styles are fluid and mutable (to a degree). They can shift based on others’ attachments and behaviors. This is particularly true if you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style: anxiously attached people trigger your avoidant traits, while avoidant individuals trigger your anxious side.

So please know that your attachment style is not your identity. It’s just an aspect of your personality — more importantly, an aspect you can change.

And just like you can change, so does your partner. Having an insecure attachment style is not an excuse to hurt or manipulate others.

2. Your attachment style stems solely from your relationship with your parents/caregivers.

If you’re into attachment theory, you’re aware of how important our relationship with our caregivers is.

You know insecurely attached adults often raised insecurely attached children. You know how generational trauma affects every aspect of our lives. You know having a secure base is crucial to forming a secure attachment.

There are, however, more factors that contribute to our attachment style: our first friendships, our first romantic experiences, stressful/traumatic events, and even our social environment.

For instance, you might have formed a secure attachment to your caregivers, yet have many fears and insecurities around friendships due to a loss you experienced when you were younger (leading you to a more anxious and/or avoidant approach when it comes to friendships).

On the other hand, it’s also possible to be raised by an insecurely attached parent, yet experience a secure attachment in your relationship with a grandparent (which gives you an idea of what a healthy relationship feels like).

3. We have to be perfect parents to make sure our children are securely attached.

Raising a securely attached child is not about being the “perfect” parent — it’s about being attuned to the child’s needs. It’s about providing a secure base that makes the child feel loved, respected, and treated as an equal.

It’s about teaching boundaries and respecting our children’s boundaries. It’s about giving them the space to develop their personality. It’s about validating their feelings and emotions. It’s about making sure they feel unconditionally supported — which, in turn, gives them the confidence they need to become independent and build healthy relationships.

Being insecurely attached doesn’t mean you’re doomed, or that you’ll inevitably pass your attachment trauma onto your children. We’re all imperfect human beings. What matters is your ability to work on yourself, process your emotions, and take accountability for your behavior.

4. We have to be “fully healed” to have a secure relationship.

As I wrote before, it’s very common for us to think “okay, so I have to heal all my wounds, and then I can finally find a secure partner”.

However, this way of thinking only creates more conditions. It makes you believe you have to “fix” yourself, as if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

“The truth is, there will always be something to heal. There will always be fears coming up to the surface, and beliefs you had no idea you had. Your job is not to get rid of them all at once. Your job is to make sure these voices are not sabotaging your happiness.

Relationships will always trigger us regardless of how much inner work we have done. In fact, relationships are our biggest mirrors, and therefore our biggest catalysts for healing.

Although I’m mostly securely attached now, I still have some insecurities from time to time. The difference is that I’m aware of them, and I no longer allow them to influence my decisions. I know these insecurities are not who I really am — they’re just coping mechanisms I’ve developed to protect myself.”

in How To Change Unhealthy Dating Patterns: A Step-By-Step Guide

…

Once you label yourself as something, what you’re really doing is reinforcing that identity and limiting yourself to that specific label.

When we finally become aware of our attachment style, we have two options: we can either blame our past experiences for our current pain, or we can take our power back and become more secure.

We all have a secure version within ourselves. We all have the ability to heal our wounds and find the kind of love we need and deserve.

It’s not what happened to us as children that matters most — it’s how we deal with it. So whatever your baggage is, please know you don’t have to be a victim of your circumstances.

Thank you for reading!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***