Few things in life are unforgivable.
I used to think cheating was one of them. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that people could accept such treason and continue to trust their partner. I also couldn’t find a good reason that justifies cheating.
But the reality is much different from my dream relationship (which was mainly shaped by Disney princesses).
In real life, things get off track. If you aspire to have a healthy relationship, you’ll have to learn to forgive. Long-term relationships are successful not because they avoid problems but because they solve them.
The mentality of solving problems (instead of dwelling on them) is what leads people forward. When it comes to cheating, you’ll find two options: break up or forgive. Anything in between won’t solve the problem.
Still, forgiveness is not simple. You may want to forgive but not be able to.
If that’s your case, here are a few good reasons to forgive cheating (and one not to):
People are not good or bad.
The most common mistake in cheating is that people simplify something that’s complex. Relationships are naturally complex. Any attempt to simplify them will fail.
When you hear someone cheated, your first reaction is: “that’s terrible! They’re an awful person; I’d never put up with that!”
That’s an oversimplification of a complex situation.
When you have this mindset, you label people as either good or bad. That’s simply not the case: one action (although it’s wrong) doesn’t cancel the qualities of a relationship.
Labeling people as either good or bad is childish. It shows a limited perspective on life and doesn’t include its complexities.
The first reason to forgive cheating is that there’s more behind it than you can see. This one action is fueled by multiple feelings: love, regret, impulsiveness, and even doubt.
When you cheat, you hurt your partner. And nobody hurts others on purpose (especially those you love). So there’s another perspective there that you can’t see, with variables you can’t dream of.
See complex situations as they are: complex.
What made you fall in love?
Think of the start of the relationship. Why did it start? Why did you think this person would make a good partner? What qualities made you fall in love?
When you decided to start the relationship, you saw potential.
Cheating doesn’t change that. It doesn’t cancel all the positive things (and feelings) that happened between the two of you. The potential you saw is still there.
Imagine you fell in love because of the small things: a smile, how they look at you, and a random text during the day. Overall, they make you feel loved. Now, they cheated once. Sure, that changes the scenario. But they still make the same small things and continue to put effort into the relationship.
People’s feelings are not erased because of one action. The same feelings that made you start the relationship are still there.
Your partner still has the same qualities that made you fall in love.
Relationships are a two-way street.
Relationships are made of two people. When only one party invests in it, it stops working. You can’t start, maintain, or end a relationship by yourself.
Each party is responsible for the relationship.
Let me be clear: it’s not your fault they cheated. People should be responsible for their choices, and you can’t truly influence others (you’re not a hypnotizer).
But before you crucify the cheater, look at the bigger picture.
Cheating is often the symptom of a problem that was already there. Maybe you were out of sync, didn’t feel the same as before, the daily routine wasn’t great, or argued a lot. Maybe you didn’t even see the problem (or you saw it but ignored it).
When there’s a problem, both parties are responsible for solving it. So look for the root of the problem before it explodes.
When someone cheats, it’s not your fault. But both parties should be invested and work on solving (and preventing) problems together.
They’re truly sorry.
When someone cheats, your first instinct is to crucify them and support the victim. You’re not wrong: the victim is in unspeakable pain.
But people fail to see that the cheater also hurts.
Nobody enjoys making mistakes. Imagine you made a mistake that hurt your partner. Although you didn’t mean to, now your loved one is in pain (and it’s your fault). Hurting people you love hurts you as well.
The cheater is far from a victim. If you’re adult enough to be in a relationship, you’re adult enough to deal with the consequences. But they’re still a human with feelings.
When you run to support the victim, you forget to see the cheater as a person.
Yes, they made a mistake that harmed others. But nobody is Voldemort: we don’t hurt others on purpose. Thinking of the cheater’s feelings (and assessing our own mistakes) gives us a more accurate perspective.
Cheating hurts everybody, not only the victim.
You don’t trust them anymore.
This is the one reason not to forgive the cheater. And, no matter how great the other reasons are, this one can still outshine them.
People underestimate how much your partner will influence your life.
Your partner has the power to change your financial life, mental health, and (especially) your children. This is the person who will teach their values to your children.
That’s why trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship.
You have to trust your partner will help you grow, support your career, help you through tough times, and raise great children with you. Without trust, you’ll be on edge at all times in your relationship.
The one reason not to forgive cheating is that it breaks your trust.
And broken trust is like glass: you can try to glue it, but once damaged, it’ll never be the same. Relationships are a contract (spoken or not). You agree that you’ll respect and love each other. You also agree that you’ll stay monogamous.
When your partner breaks this contract, there’s no guarantee they won’t do it anymore.
I’m not even talking about cheating again. I’m talking about how this person will handle your finances. Would you trust them with your bank account? Or with what they teach to your children. Would they teach that they can get away with anything?
The other reasons to forgive cheating are valid. But if you can’t find a way to trust your partner again, none of that matters.
Cheating is a complex situation. There’s no right or wrong answer to the question: “should I forgive?”
We tend to search for a simple solution. But there’s no simple solution to a complex problem. Each situation is unique. So assess the particularities of your situation. Did it happen once? How do they react to it? Do they regret it? How do you feel about it? Can you trust them again?
Our first reaction is always to condemn the cheater. And yes, they made a mistake and hurt others. But I’d like you to see others’ perspectives as well, so you can make a better decision. These situations are never black or white.
What’s most important: trust yourself to make the right decision.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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