4 Signs Your Relationship Could Be a Codependent-Narcissistic Trap

It Takes Two to Tangle

We are drawn to the things we lack. This goes both for material things and human traits.

For instance, I never dance. I’m a terrible dancer. But whenever I see anyone who can dance, I can’t stop looking at them. And if it’s a girl, it becomes difficult to stop thinking of them.

We can’t all have everything, and as such, we are often drawn to those who have what we don’t. And other times, we are drawn to those who need what we have. This is the basis for the codependent-narcissistic trap: a codependent is someone who feels responsible for the problems, emotions, and behavior of others. They sacrifice their own well-being to please others.

A narcissist, on the other hand, is someone who feels entitled to the attention and care of others. The codependent thrives on giving away their time, energy, and attention (without any boundaries), while the narcissist wants to get all the care and attention without feeling the need to return the favor. As Darlene Lancer put it in Psychology Today,

“Both narcissists and codependents can appear extremely warm, charming, and caring at the outset of a relationship — the narcissist in order to gain appreciation and favor, the codependent to lavish attention.”

The codependent-narcissistic dynamic can play out both in relationships, between friends or families, and it is always unpleasant; it’s unbalanced and it lacks the essence of true friendship: understanding, selflessness, and empathy.

The codependent ends up being trapped because they now bear all the burden in the relationship and the narcissist feels they deserve all the care and attention. So how can you tell that you or others may be in a codependent-narcissistic trap?

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You Assume The Other Person’s Problem Is Your Responsibility

According to clinical psychotherapist Linda Esposito, codependency usually results when we take the role of a caregiver too early on in our childhood. Since we all grew up fragile and vulnerable, we had to pay close attention to our environment and depend on others for food and protection.

Because of our fragility, we learned to step back and let others take care of us, while we also learned from them. But the childhood of a codependent person is quite the opposite of this dynamic. Instead of being taken care of, the codependent takes the role of a caregiver. As Linda wrote in Psychology Today,

“Growing up with an unreliable or unavailable parent means taking on the role of caretaker and/or enabler. A child in this situation puts the parent’s needs first. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. As a result, its members repress emotions and disregard their own needs to focus on the needs of the unavailable parent(s). When the “parentified” child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same dynamic in their adult relationships.”

Take care of your own wants

“When you nurture your own wants and desires, you develop a connection to your inner world,” wrote Linda. A vital step to codependency recovery is to get to know yourself and realize that you are self-reliant, and capable on your own.

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You Walk On Eggshells

Codependents will often say yes to the things they don’t want to please their partners in a relationship. They hardly have any opinion of their own concerning anything.

If a codependent feels their opinion or idea might not please their partner, they modify it to avoid conflict. This is perhaps the reason codependents don’t know themselves. The thing is, knowing yourself requires you to stand up for yourself and defend the things you believe.

Self-knowledge comes from self-exploration, and sometimes we rarely know what we really want if we don’t say it. As the clinical psychologist, Jordan Peterson put it in his book 12 Rules For Life,

“If you will not reveal yourself to others, you cannot reveal yourself to yourself. That does not only mean that you suppress who you are… It means that so much of what you could be will never be forced by necessity to come forward.”

Because codependents lack self-knowledge, they live their lives defending and taking on the opinions of others as their own.

Know yourself

As an article in PsychCentra explains, “Healing from codependency starts with getting to know yourself better, honoring yourself, and expressing yourself.”

It is self-knowledge that makes you understand the things you need to do to support yourself emotionally. When you know yourself, you’ll have less need to seek the validation of others to know what your life is about.

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You Constantly Make Excuses For Others’ Poor Choices

Codependents are scared to be alone, and as such, they’ll do anything to avoid it.

Instead of standing up for themselves and calling out the wrong actions of their partner, they sweep it under the carpet. They may dismiss and sometimes rationalize their faults to themselves.

Because they never stand up for themselves, the narcissist in the relationship feels empowered. The relationship becomes like that of a master and a slave where one person has to do everything rightly, while the other can always do as they please. As the therapist and counselor Sharon Martin put it in Psychology Today,

“The relationship is consistently one-sided; one person is allowed to be hardworking and responsible, while the other person is allowed to be irresponsible or avoid the consequences of their actions.”

A codependent might convince themselves that a cheating partner is still very good on the inside, just to avoid the thought of the confrontation that might lead to them being left alone.

Accept yourself

Learn to be on your own side too and accept yourself. As Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D. explained in Health Line, if you are codependent, “you have a responsibility to manage your behaviors and reactions. You aren’t responsible for your partner’s behavior, or anyone else’s.”

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You Often Feel Guilty And Selfish For Taking Care Of Yourself

As noble as it is to be selfless and caring, it is also important to be able to take a break and take care of yourself. Codependents feel the only way they can have a sense of purpose is to be doing something for someone else, even to their own detriment.

Because they grew up in an environment where their feelings are undervalued, neglected, and sometimes shamed, they learn to suppress their own needs for the comfort of others. As the psychologist, Sharon Martin wrote in PsychCentral,

“Self-care doesn’t come easily to those with codependency. It’s truly the opposite of what they’re used to doing. Codependents grow up without role models for self-care, being told their feelings are wrong or unimportant and feeling unworthy of love and care.”

Learn to detach yourself

According to Sharon, the concept of detaching is central to codependency recovery. Since codependency relies totally on giving your all to others, learning to detach yourself from situations emotionally and sometimes physically is a great way to get used to taking care of yourself. As Sharon wrote in psychology today,

“When you detach, you put some emotional or physical space between yourself and others… And it’s not selfish or unloving. It gives you room to be yourself and take care of yourself.”

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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