4 Things Anxious Attachers Can Learn from Avoidants to Overcome Breakups

I know you’re probably angry at avoidants (or a particular one, at least!). They caused a lot of damage to the relationship. And now that it’s over, they seem to be moving on quickly.

How could they move on this fast if they really cared for you?

Well, they may have moved on, but it’s debatable if they healed.

Instead of being angry at their hurtful behavior and how they moved on fast, why not learn something or two from them to recover quicker? After all, those avoidants are good at what they do — being detached.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking you to become an avoidant or act like them. What this article will help you do is integrate the skills you need to detach and move on quicker and more efficiently.

Before we start, some of these things won’t be natural to you. They will be challenging and make you squirm. But push yourself a little bit.

Integrating the dark parts of the person you fell in love with can make you, counterintuitively, more secure.

Every paragraph below is written carefully based on my experience as a securely attached guy who fell in love with an avoidant and saw glimpses of his anxious style. No fluff.

Let’s get into it.

#1 The phantom ex.

Avoidants have a dirty secret. Not only do they focus on their partner’s flaws (as we’ll see), but they also compare them to an ex with whom they believe they had a better connection. It is called the phantom ex.

As a way to avoid intimacy and keep their partner

Avoidants push their partner away in real life by pulling away, being unreachable, avoiding conversations, and so many different tactics. The goal is to avoid intimacy/closeness.

But that is not enough. They also build a wall inside their heart by being attached to “the ex that got away” to ensure their current partner is always viewed as “not enough.” This will prevent them from getting too attached.

You need to do a version of this. You might have an ex who had many great qualities. Ponder on these qualities. Admire them. Relive the moments your ex-partner made you feel loved, safe, or understood.

This will help you interrupt the obsessive attachment you have towards your partner. It will shift the energy somewhere else.

If you don’t have such a partner, think of your secure and mature friends or create a phantom future partner! Let me explain.

Think of one of your mature friends who you believe is likely securely attached. Compare your partner unfavorably to them. Imagine what it could’ve been if you had been with such a person, which drives us to the next point.

Create a phantom future partner.

Think about all the traits you desire in a partner. How would you like to be treated and valued? Maybe write that down.

Now, again, compare your partner unfavorably to this future partner. Think of how your ex-partner comes short compared to what you actually want. And then channel your energy towards finding someone with the traits you outlined.

So, this is not about creating a phantom future partner with whom you will never be. It’s about figuring out what you want, realizing how your ex-partner didn’t give you that, and then working on yourself until you attract someone who will.

Avoid this mistake

Avoidants make a horrible mistake when thinking about their phantom ex. They don’t do anything to deserve their phantom lover. They only use this phantom to distract themselves from intimacy.

You, however, should create it to weaken your attachment to your ex-partner by looking forward to a fulfilling relationship.

#2 Flaws picking.

There’s a saying that avoidants see the worm instead of the apple. Seeing the worm will keep them away from the apple.

Focusing on their partner’s flaws will create distance and reduce intimacy, which is the purpose of using deactivating strategies.

During the relationship, avoidants pick their partner’s flaws like mad. This creates distance, which makes them feel comfortable.

After the relationship ends, for a certain period, they also focus on the negative aspects of the relationship and the shortcomings of their partner. This weakens the attachment and makes it easier for them to start moving on.

You should do a version of this. Focus on reminding yourself of all the negative aspects of your partner. Start with the fact that they were focusing on your flaws instead of appreciating you. Go through everything. Remind yourself of all the times they mistreated and disrespected you.

This could be challenging. As an anxiously attached person, you tend to do the opposite. You focus on the positives to the point of putting your partner on a pedestal, ignoring all the negatives. This makes you, well, obsessed with them. They are this amazing thing you lost.

However, if you were to sit down and play it over, you would realize that was not the case. They were full of shit. Accept that and start remembering how your relationship wasn’t healthy.

You don’t want to do this more than necessary. You only need to balance your tendency to focus on the positives by factoring in the negatives of your relationship.

If you take it too far, you will deny yourself the chance to reflect on your part and grow. This is why avoidants stay painfully unaware of their shortcomings and unwilling to change anything — they don’t reflect.

Now, flaw-picking is great to detach. But what will really keep you detached and help you move on is . . .

#3 More independence.

Avoidants want their partner in the same house with them — just not in the same room. This tells you a lot about how much space and independence they believe they need.

Their sense of independence is so wrecked they think they shouldn’t depend on anyone.

However, anxious attachers also have a wrecked sense of independence. Avoidants should learn to rely more on others and dispense with the idea that they can (or should) do anything themselves. On the other hand, anxious attachers need to do the opposite and become more independent.

It might make you squirm hearing this, but you need more independence and self-reliance. This looks like:

Self-soothing skills. Improve your ability to sit with your feelings and manage them.
Hobbies and interests that are your own!
Not giving up your hobbies and interests for your partner or even friends.
Feeling good about yourself while being single.
Enjoying your alone time.

And so on. Add anything that can help you become more independent.

Understand the difference between overdependence, codependency, and interdependency.

Overdependence sucks. And so does codependency. Both are unhealthy coping mechanisms when we’re afraid of intimacy.

Interdependency is the sweet spot. Healthy individuals have their own lives. However, they still can create (and share) a life with someone else (without one negatively impacting the other).

Securely attached people can do this naturally. For avoidants and anxious people, it’s a struggle.

So, your goal is to develop more independence and interdependence. It will help you in all life’s areas, not just relationships.

One of the ways you can start developing more (emotional) independence is . . .

#4 Go sober.

The anxious-avoidant dynamic is addictive. You get your attachment system activated every time you expect (legitimately or not) abandonment.

When that happens, you will do whatever it takes to “get” or “secure” your partner. An activated attachment system triggers the below thoughts and behaviors:

An obsessive, uncontrollable need to call, text, and meet your partner.
You eventually act upon this intense feeling and call/text them obsessively or show up unexpectedly (in a creepy way).

When the relationship ends, it is difficult or impossible to do these things. Your ego might prevent you, or they may have blocked you. The reasons don’t matter.

However, your attachment system is still activated even though the relationship ended. So, you will still act on it, just in different ways:

Stalking them on social media.
Listening to the songs you used to listen to together.
Looking at the pictures.
Reading your old conversations.
Checking if they’re online.
Wondering how they spend their time without you (and trying to know).

Doing these things suggests an activated attachment system. Bluntly, these things are signs of your fear (of abandonment, rejection, loss, or embarrassment), not your love for that person. Many people mistake these intense feelings for love.

Stop feeding this vicious cycle. Go sober. Stop texting or calling them. In fact, delete their number. Block it if you have to. Stop checking their social media accounts. Delete the photos and old conversations. Get away from anything that reminds you that this person even exists.

Do this for at least a month. It gets better from there. Save your energy and feelings for a new (better) relationship. You owe yourself that.

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I hope this was helpful

If you enjoyed reading this, Get free 12 practical tips on how to:

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Also, check my books on Amazon.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

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