I don’t know about you, but I’m the kind of person who hates arguing and do my best to avoid it. Some people consider it fun to debate a political issue or argue about a current event with their partner — I’m not one of them.
Yet, I’ve come to realize that conflict is inevitable and a normal part of any relationship. According to a survey, an average couple argues 156 times every year over where to order dinner from. Imagine all the other sensitive issues you have to deal with — and argue about — in a relationship.
All couples have arguments. What matters is how you deal with that conflict and how you solve all your arguments. There is a difference between sitting down and working through a problem together versus shouting, crying, or giving your partner the silent treatment.
If you and your partner have a toxic arguing style, it could sabotage your relationship and tear you apart. What follows are four toxic arguing styles and how you can change them so that your relationship doesn’t fall apart.
1. Criticizing/Accusing Your Partner
A lot of people, when they argue with their partners, tend to let frustration, anger, and inability to express their emotions get the best of them and end up criticizing and/or accusing their partner, with words intended to sting and provoke.
They use their partner’s weaknesses and things that the latter struggle with in order to hurt them and feel like they have, momentarily, won the argument. You know, they’ll usually say things like:
“You’re just exactly like your impatient mother”
“Well, of course you would think that — you’re too sensitive”
“You don’t have enough knowledge to argue on this matter; you haven’t even been to college!”
Criticizing your partner every time you get into an argument not only is a toxic behavior, but it will also make them feel like you devalue them or that they’re not good enough for you. They’ll gradually start feeling underappreciated and misunderstood and will eventually start looking elsewhere — for someone who doesn’t constantly highlights their weaknesses.
What to do instead: Leave your partner’s weaknesses and flaws aside for a while. You are equally flawed, after all. Focus on the problem and not on the person. If you adopt a less critical attitude towards your partner, it will be easier to resolve your conflict, because they will be more eager to cooperate with you.
2. Giving Your Partner the Silent Treatment
There are times in a relationship when remaining silent is the most clever move you can make.
Taking a break from an argument to collect yourself and get some perspective can be healthy, but you shouldn’t use silence as a weapon to manipulate or control your partner.
The silent treatment, also known as stonewalling, is when one of the two participants in a conversation shuts off and withdraws from the interaction, refusing to participate, engage, or even acknowledge the other participant.
We have all given someone we cared about the silent treatment at one point or another. But when you use it regularly as a power play, it can make your partner feel rejected and excluded, something that can have a huge negative effect on both their self-esteem and their feelings toward you.
What to do instead: Try to think about the fact that using the silent treatment as a power play is a toxic behavior and one that your partner will view as punishment. Over a certain amount of time, this behavior will significantly damage your relationship.
Telling your partner you need a certain amount of time out to cool off or collect your thoughts is a much better tactic.
If you’re on the receiving end of the silent treatment, try to tell your partner calmly that you’ve noticed they’re not responding and you want to understand why. Apologize if you’ve done something wrong — it might help them come out of their shell. Also, emphasize that you want to resolve things and them giving you the cold shoulder will only make things more difficult.
3. Bringing Up Issues From The Past
Another toxic arguing style is bringing up issues from the past, e.g. remembering something bad/wrong your partner has done in your relationship and bringing it up every time you argue.
That usually happens when the person knows that they’ve done something wrong but want to minimize its importance, by mentioning their partner’s past mistakes — in an attempt to make themselves look like “the good/right guy” in the relationship.
What to do instead: If you truly want to resolve conflict, try to remember that bringing up the past is not going to shed any light on the current problem — it will probably make it more difficult to process.
We all make mistakes in our relationship, no matter how experienced we might be. When you move away from the right vs wrong/good vs bad/winner vs loser concepts, you can resolve the arguments with your partner easier, more effectively, and prevent conflict from emerging too often.
Deal with the issue at hand first and if you do have some unresolved feelings from your past, discuss them with your partner at another time.
4. Engaging in Emotional Blackmail
Another toxic arguing habit that occurs in relationships is when one partner threatens to end the relationship during an argument, using the threat as a control tactic to get their partner to do what they want.
For example, you might be in a middle of an argument/fight with your partner and they suddenly stand up and tell you, “You know what? I don’t even know why we’re having this argument. It’s obvious we think very differently — let’s just end our relationship.”
Out of fear of losing them, you apologize and agree with them/do what they wanted you to do. They win.
That is called emotional blackmail and has very serious consequences on your partner’s self-esteem and your relationship.
As Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith explains in this article:
This type of emotional blackmail puts the other partner in a panic/flight-or-flight mode. While you’re telling them you want to leave, they may be making plans to find a roommate. In addition, they may be so devastated by the thought of losing their family they can go into a deep depression and be unable to give you what it is you need.”
What to do instead: Emotional blackmail is toxic and can work against you. Threatening your partner with a breakup may actually prompt them to leave you, and it creates an insecure, unstable relationship.
Don’t ever bring up relationship threats whenever you argue with your partner. Think of each threat as a knife you twist deep into their heart. It’s wrong. Discuss your argument without bringing the livelihood of your relationship into question.
Every time you feel like mentioning ending your relationship, think about how would you feel if it actually ended right there. Try to be patient and listen to your partner, however difficult it might seem at the time.
Final Thoughts
You shouldn’t be afraid of conflict — it’s bound to arise and it’s a natural part of any healthy relationship.
Arguments between couples happen all the time. What matters is how you deal with those arguments.
There’s a quote by philosopher, author, and founder of School of Life Alain de Botton that goes:
“The hope can’t be to eliminate arguments altogether, it should be to try to find our way to a better kind of argument.”
In other words, it’s not about not arguing with each other. It’s about letting go of toxic arguing habits and finding a better, gentler, kinder way to argue. It’s about solving an argument and moving on stronger together, without hurting each other in the process.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Joshua Fuller on Unsplash