We often wonder why things happen the way they do. We ask ourselves questions like why did my lover leave me? Why does life keep messing with me? Why can’t I get anything right?
And when we think of other people’s situations, sometimes we wonder why bad things happen to good people: why did she have to go through all that? What has he done to deserve this? Why did she have to end up with such a messy partner? And so on.
We humans are curious creatures. It’s our curiosity that often leads us to seek explanations to things that happen to us and people around us.
An old friend of mine recently came whining about how her boyfriend treats her. According to her, sometimes he’s cool and sweet, other times, he’s something else. From her story, it’s kind of obvious that she’s dating a dickhead! And I couldn’t help but wonder why?
Why does it seem like most women are into jerks?
Sound familiar?
Often we see great women falling for the worst guys and this has led a lot of people to believe that women are simply attracted to jerks.
But that’s not true.
Here are a few reasons why most women end up with jerks:
. . .
1. They have low self-esteem and high expectations for themselves.
Do you ever find yourself thinking: you are not good enough? Or that you don’t deserve the best or anything better?
Let’s be honest: a lot of women and even men do.
As soon as most women do something they know they can do well, appear the way they’re naturally supposed to be, or they wanted to appear, they doubt themselves. They look out for validations and acknowledgments from their perceived superiors or people they want to impress.
We all grew up listening to the unfriendly voices of the society telling us how we aren’t enough — how we aren’t smart enough, how we aren’t tall enough, how we aren’t earning enough money, how we aren’t perfect enough, etc, and sadly, most women and even men internalize these unfriendly messages.
As a result, some women might out of their unending need for validations and acknowledgments try harder to prove themselves to people they can never impress no matter what they do.
For instance, a woman who just finished presenting at a conference will try too hard to prove herself and impress some of her “critical” audience by listening, defending, and maybe finally internalizing the unfair criticisms thrown at her (otherwise) good job.
Someone might end up hooking up with a guy who partially insulted her appearance the first time they met because of her familiarity with the feeling of being torn down and placed on a pedestal which is fueled by her unending need for validation.
This is just the work of low self-esteem and insecurities which usually pushes them to believe they’re inadequate because they can’t meet up to the delusional perfect ideal the society has helped them set for themselves.
So, they settle for the less even in their choices of romantic partners. Telling themselves that they can’t do any better. That they don’t deserve the best. That they deserve and have to endure every unfriendly situation they find themselves in. And so on.
What to do instead:
Even though positive validations and acknowledgments can be a subtle way to clear our inner doubts and boost our confidence, it’s by no means the best and most effective way to do that.
We don’t need to rely on validations and acknowledgments from other people to feel confident and good about ourselves.
Most of the time, the only thing we’ll get is comments aimed at tearing us down and eroding every ounce of confidence we’ve got.
But the gist is to be truly confident in one’s own skin, and not to rely on outside factors to feel confident. And by so doing, a woman will be unaffected by consistent demeaning, put-downs, and all other forms of sexism.
How you feel about yourself and everything about you shapes every aspect of your life.
Next time you find yourself feeling somehow funny and sweep-off at some cunny attempt to belittle and to make you feel singled out to woo you, remind yourself that you don’t need their opinions or (validations) to feel good about yourself or what you’ve done.
. . .
2. They have a flawed image of what a truly confident man looks like.
Your life experiences are entirely affected by your perceptions.
What you think of people affects your relationship with them because people aren’t always what you think they are.
In other words, what you think is pleasant, thrilling, and attractive about someone might turn out to be the worst thing(s) about him.
Do you take men who are specialists in partially, lightly, and ‘honestly’, chiseling away a woman’s confidence as confident men?
Do you find men who subtly make you feel less than you should about yourself all in the name of being honest attractive and confident?
How much confidence do you think men who are bold enough to tell you that your work isn’t “that great” but can be improved or that your looks or behavior is “not so great” but can be manageable or improved have?
How do you think of guys who always somehow try to make you feel like you can be better off if you apply or adopt their advice, suggestions, and recommendations?
There’s only one answer most women have about the above-mentioned questions: These kinds of men are truly confident and yes, attractive.
And that’s why most of them end up with jerks that are everything but healthy partners.
On the contrary, these kinds of guys a very far from being confident. They are best described as insecure “assholes.”
They simply project their insecurities on women who are also doubtful and insecure about themselves. Like the women, their insecurities result in the internalization of the ultimate message of society that we all aren’t enough.
They feel they always need to be smarter, richer, funnier, brighter, more successful, and so on than their female counterparts, or else they are less than men.
That’s why they consciously or subconsciously try to belittle any woman that makes them second guess their smartness, women that make them feel intimidated, women that proves to them that they’re significantly better, etc.
And by so doing, they end up getting through insecure women who are doubtful of themselves and make them believe they aren’t anywhere close to the best and they can’t do any better no matter how hard they try.
This makes the women try everything within their power to prove their worth to the men and when they fail, the men become deities they worship and always try to please but will never actually please.
It all boils down to this:
Women fall for jerks mostly because they find men who are nothing but insecure confident and attractive. And they end up feeding on each other’s insecurities. The men somehow manage to prove to the women they aren’t any better and would never be, and the women prove to the men that the men will always be superiors and their superheroes.
What to do instead:
When you have a flawed perception of what it truly means for a man to be confident, you will mostly end up with men who will make your life very miserable.
Most of the time, opening your eyes to the fact that a confident man won’t in any way try to belittle or capitalize on your doubts and still put you on a pedestal, will save you from mediocre relationships.
. . .
3. They can’t get enough of the jerks’ sweet affectionate versions.
Talking about jerks, let’s clarify one thing: women who end up dating or hooking up with jerks, view them differently from the way we all see them.
That’s because staying with a jerk is nothing but a roller coaster ride. It’s not just the rude assholes we all see on the outside but sweet addictive guys they simply can’t get enough of.
Guys who to everyone else seem disrespectful, mean, and not good enough but to them, behind the closed doors are the best partners one could ever wish for.
This is usually due to the way these men make them feel when they’re all alone together. They make the women feel loved via texts, on dates, and other romantic opportunities. They usually have some kinds of deeply intimate and emotionally connecting conversations with the women that make the women feel they’re the only thing that matters to them.
They make the women feel safe and comfortable. They make them feel heard and understood. Who doesn’t want such kinds of partners? But the only thing is that every other person doesn’t seldom wants one who is only sweet when no one is around.
However, this doesn’t mean the women are blinded by love that they don’t see the disrespectful, rude, and annoying versions of these men. Of course, they do, but what really matters to them, is the sweet versions of them which is why they fell for such kinds of men initially and why they always stick to them no matter what.
And what’s funny about the whole thing is that they mostly wish these men are always sweet but the men consistently make them feel like they’re on a roller coaster ride. One moment they are the bad guys they so wanted to push away from their lives and the next moment they become the sweetest guys they’ll do everything to be with.
What to do instead:
The truth is, being in a relationship isn’t just about feelings of love and how a person makes you feel sometimes. It’s also about how a person treats you generally and how they respect you and your boundaries among other things.
Don’t subject yourself to pains from an obvious asshole simply because he’s sometimes sweet and lovely.
If you trust that you can and will always find someone sweeter. Someone who will love and respect you the right way. Someone who will not make you second guess his love for you. Someone who will not throw demeaning statements at you whenever he likes… You will save yourself from tons of pain.
. . .
4. They become saviors and try to change the men.
Most people in our present world have strong desires to save and change people.
Although some people go about it in a toxic way, women who date jerks often fall into the trap of believing that their asshole partners can be saved if they’re loved enough.
The harsh reality, however, is that you can’t change people who don’t want to change themselves.
The worst part is that you might end up avoiding or even losing yourself trying to change someone who’ll never change.
What to do instead:
You are supposed to be a lover and a partner, not some savior or therapist.
Hence, if you ever find yourself holding onto an obviously messy and complicated relationship in high hopes that your asshole partner is going to change and become always sweet, do yourself a favor by finding your way out because they might never change.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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