4 Ways Expectation Ruins a Relationship

Whether it’s escalating a relationship, asking someone to choose between another guy and me, or pressuring them to give me an answer about our relationship status, every time I’ve forced a girl to decide, it’s never gone my favor, even if they were on the same page with me before the confrontation. I realized that the more pushing energy I exert, the more they pull back. It’s physics.

Expectations mean more than a discrepancy between what two people want. There are 4 other reasons it creates a rift between couples.

You cloud their decision

Early on, your date is still in observation mode. Some people simply take longer to process their feelings for you. If you rush them into sex, titles, or reciprocating your affection at this uncertain stage, they will subconsciously kick into autopilot rejection to protect themselves. Or they’ll please you out of not wanting to lose you even though they aren’t ready to meet your demands yet, which means whatever decision they make won’t be out of their genuine interest.

Do you want someone to be with you unwillingly? I assume not.

You already know the answer

I caught a girl I liked bringing home an FWB at 2 A.M. I couldn’t resist but ask her who that guy was and where our relationship is. I told her to either pick me or let me move on. But even before that phone call, I already knew the answer.

You expect them to choose because, deep down, you already know the answer to your question. This is your desperate last resort to change the narrative, hoping that your confrontation will change their mind. If you knew they weren’t interested in entering a serious relationship with you, you then would use a take-me-or-leave-me strategy where you threaten to leave unless they agree to confirm their relationship with you.

It never works. Because this gesture doesn’t increase their interest level in you, it might repel them even more. Even if they give in to your demand at the moment out of fear of losing you, quickly, they’ll realize you aren’t who they wanted.

You’re trying to control them

I recently told someone to either date me or stay regular friends, making her extremely uncomfortable. She felt trapped because she wasn’t interested in dating, but perhaps wanted more than a platonic friendship. By forcing her to pick, she began resenting me.

Setting expectations makes someone feel intruded, powerless, and lacking in free will. Even if they want to have sex with you, they’ll only want it on their own terms. By pressuring them into it, they’ll feel like they aren’t doing it out of their own choice.

It doesn’t feel organic

Whenever you try to create expectations, you’re dictating the pace and mood of the relationship. You’re either skipping steps where you’re jumping from a first date to marriage, or you’re asking too much out of your partner. Everything is done prematurely. Eventually, it crashes because you didn’t allow the emotional connection to happen on its own.

The intent behind the expectations is selfish

Expectations are about one person. If both people were on the same page, there wouldn’t be any conflict. But because one side wanted more, they start to ask the other party to contribute more even if they aren’t yet comfortable doing so. You may communicate your needs but you must give your partner space to figure out what they want.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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