I had my first real emotional breakup when I was twenty years old. My family was very religious and made me end it with the guy because we were having sex. He wasn’t a good guy, he was seriously abusive and I should have left him sooner. The big problem was that no one cared that I was sad because I shouldn’t have been in the situation in the first place. Anger, disappointment, and mistrust were the main feedback I was getting. My sister was my college roommate and she asked me where I was at all times and would triangulate my location with at least one other person present to be sure I wasn’t sneaking off.
That was four years ago. Today the same sister has been on my couch for a week after she decided to permanently switch her on again off again to ‘off’. I’ve gotten the opportunity to be the sister I wish I had to facilitate a breakup. Here are my tips to be the bestie you’d want to have.
. . .
1. Listen
She’s got a lot to say. I mean she has been thinking about it for a while before she made the decision and now she is racking her mind. ‘Did I make the right call?’, ‘If love makes me feel this bad is it even worth it?’ ‘Is this my fault?’ ‘Will I ever find another?’ ‘Should I move to Europe?’
All of these questions have the ability to expand to whatever time or scope that a despairing imagination will allow. Having someone to talk to without feeling stupid or silly can help you find perspective. Like, dang big sis, didn’t you date a different Greek guy named Nick that you met at work a year before this? Well if you got over him and found another one you can do it again. Listen well enough to hear the themes of her concerns and to answer the questions she is asking herself.
2. Food
There is the quintessential comfort food of chocolate, cake, and ice cream but we can go above and beyond. A lot of people lose the motivation or energy to take care of themselves while they are weeping like a Disney princess. It’s hard to feel better when you are starving yourself of energy and nourishment. Healthy food, we are shooting for healthy food, real food, and personal favorites.
I made spinach feta chicken burgers for my sister, she thought they were great. She hadn’t realized that she had forgotten to eat until she had her 3rd burger and said “This is the most I’ve eaten in days!’. I am a big fan of soups as being easy comfort foods. I think maybe because we get used to having soup when we are sick we associate the warm feeling with healing. It’s great any time someone enjoys your food, even more so during a tough time. The main point is that she didn’t have to wait until she felt good enough to cook to get a meal she enjoyed.
3. Distractions
For a while, my sister was so caught up she couldn’t think about anything except the breakup. When she was able to come up for air, it was helpful to have something else to think about. For this, streaming services are a godsend. We’ve been through the Studio Ghibli catalog for dreamy magical escapism. We’ve been to Abbott Elementary for down-to-earth good-hearted laughs. We’ve been unbreakable with Kimmy Schmidt for a much-needed dose of optimism. All of these things take us forward and put time between her and the dearly dumped.
Kimmy (from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) is always saying if you can get through the next ten seconds you can get through anything because the next ten seconds keep restarting. That’s what we are doing, by the hour, by the movie, by the day and now by the week. If she can get through this week, she can get through next week. If you can get through the first two weeks, you can get through the month and then season and then the year.
4. Comfort & Company
Loneliness is vulnerable. There is a reason people are scared to be alone. Sometimes all you need to keep you from reaching back to the comfort you are trying to let go of is the presence of someone else. So, I say ‘yes’ when I can. Yes, to sitting in the office with me while I work. Yes, we can hang out for a little while before I turn in for the night. Yes, you can spend another night. I cannot replace the love and affection from her boyfriend but I can do everything I can to make sure she feels like she hasn’t lost the only love in the world. You only need one person to no longer be alone.
It’s been one week and one day. My sister hasn’t moved to Germany yet, quit her post-graduate program, or married someone she met online in less than a month (all things she has actually done in moments of great distress). She’s finally caught up on work and has thanked me so many times for being hospitable. It feels really nice and I’m happy I know how to help her.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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