Prior to dating my second husband, I looked back at all of my relationships and all I could see was a slew of dumpster fires. Each one had been unhealthy, abusive, and/or toxic.
It was depressing to be out in the dating field again and feel like I was helpless, that I’d be doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
So, I decided to start looking at the common denominator, the elephant in the room. Who had been a shining star in each of my unhealthy relationships? Who had been the one thread that’d strung them all together?
Why, it was me. Me me me.
I did a LOT of work. The most painful thing I discovered is that in my endless search to find the “right,” “best,” “one,” or “soulmate” person. It was, instead, about becoming.
I had to be someone different to get something different.
Along the way, I discovered 4 absolutely simple ways to never be in an unhealthy relationship again, and I’ll share them with you.
These tips are easy, but will they feel easy? Nope. Not one bit. They’ll actually be uncomfortable and hard and weird, and really, they should be. You’ve spent your life one way, and it’s never worked out for you, so you have to try something different.
I hope these tips, as uncomfy as they may feel, will help you find the kind of happiness I’ve found.
1. Be disagreeable.
Many of us have spent our lives being agreeable. We’ve been pleasant, caring, softhearted, compassionate, friendly, generous, trusting, and compliant.
Yet when it’s come to our relationships, again and again, we’re the ones left cleaning up the mess, and it’s usually our heart off the walls of the inside of our ribcages. This trait that has allowed us to be a good person, child, sibling, friend, partner, co-worker, etc. has attracted us to unhealthy, abusive, and/or toxic partners like flies to shit.
In 2020, Ohio State University researcher Meghna Mahambrey asked, “Who gets cheated on in relationships?” What she found is that those who are most likely to be cheated on in relationships scored high in “Agreeableness.” The same is true for victims of narcissistic abuse.
Those of us who score high on “agreeableness” too often give others the benefit of the doubt, refrain from judging, and are empathic and generous. We give people second and third and fourth chances. We excuse poor behavior because we have compassion for a person’s history.
This also means we can be easily taken advantage of.
An unfaithful partner may believe we’ll forgive them, so they don’t think twice before cheating on us, and a narcissistic or other predatory personality may realize they can manipulate us and/or push our boundaries until we cave.
The counterpoint to agreeableness isdisagreeableness, or what Aziz Gazipura calls, “not nice.”
Disagreeableness or “not niceness” sounds terrible, but Gazipura makes it clear that it’s actually the best thing you can be:
“The opposite of nice is knowing who you are, what you believe in, and what you value. It’s you being powerful and going after what you want because you are no longer held back by the fear of what others will think of you. It’s you being fierce, determined, and courageous. It’s you being your best self.”
— from Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself by Aziz Gazipura
Some people may not like the fact that you’re now “not nice,” but that’s exactly the point. And future unhealthy, abusive, and/or toxic partners? They’ll steer clear.
2. Be self-centered.
Like being disagreeable, being self-centered can be seen as a negative trait, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s possible to find balance between putting yourself first and taking care of yourself in a healthy way.
At its core, being self-centered means focusing on your own interests before anyone else’s. It means recognizing your needs and making sure they are met without neglecting the needs of others.
Being selfish or arrogant is not the same thing as being self-centered. Being selfish implies that you lack empathy or consideration for other people while being arrogant implies that you think too highly of yourself — neither of which is true when practicing healthy self-centeredness.
The key to finding balance between self-care and self-centeredness lies in recognizing that your mental and physical health come first; if you don’t take care of yourself then how can you expect to help others? Make sure you prioritize time for yourself; don’t feel guilty about taking time away from work or family obligations in order to focus on your own needs. Take a break if you need it or treat yourself with something special every now and again. Learn what works best for you and takes steps to make sure those needs are met.
3. Be clear about your dealbreakers.
What I see all too often is that we’re attracted to someone for all of their good qualities and ignore their bad ones.
We see that this other person is good-looking, passionate, goal-oriented, etc. We also see that this person has poor conflict-resolution skills, a small little drug addiction, or any other manner of issues, but we think, “Hey, those don’t matter because they have all of these good things.” Or worse, we may even tell ourselves, “Oh, that’s okay! I can change it!”
If we don’t quantify what our dealbreakers are and get really clear about them being unacceptable, then we’re definitely setting ourselves up for another unhealthy relationship.
Take the time to think about what kind of behavior you simply won’t tolerate in a relationship, and make sure that these boundaries are firmly established in your mind. Dealbreakers MUST be things you will end a relationship over, no matter if you’ve been on one date or just celebrated your 5th anniversary.
With these in place, you can better select future partners, friends, etc. as well as be able to verbalize why these are non-negotiable items for you, so you can explain your position clearly if necessary.
Establishing clear boundaries with dealbreakers is essential if we want our relationships — romantic or otherwise — to be successful and fulfilling over the long term. By understanding our own boundaries first and then being able to communicate them effectively, we can ensure that our relationships remain healthy and positive regardless of any potential conflicts that may arise along the way. Having dealbreakers and following through on them will save you from potential heartache later.
4. Be in love with yourself.
When we aren’t top-of-the-rollercoaster, buzzy-drunk in love with ourselves, we’ll settle for meh. We’ll settle for mistreatment, disrespect, unkindness, or even abuse. We’ll believe that’s what we deserve, so we’ll take it.
Being in love with yourself means you won’t tolerate anyone treating you less than what you believe you deserve. We all need and deserve a bit of self-love.
This starts with valuing yourself. This means recognizing that you are worthy of love, kindness, and respect from others — and most importantly from yourself. It means understanding your worth and having faith in your abilities.
When you know your worth, it strengthens your sense of identity and helps you make decisions based on what’s best for you rather than what other people may want or expect from you. Learning to appreciate yourself also allows you to cultivate healthy relationships with others because it helps you continue to establish healthy boundaries.
Self-care is also an essential part of loving ourselves as well as caring for our mental health. Self-care includes activities such as taking time out for yourself each day, engaging in activities that bring joy or relaxation into your life (like exercise or reading), eating nourishing foods, spending quality time with friends and family members who support you unconditionally, etc.
Practicing self-care not only helps improve your physical health but also your mental health by helping reduce stress levels and offering a break from any negative thoughts or emotions that may crowd your head during difficult times.
Taking control of our lives by making conscious choices about who we let into our lives can help us avoid toxic relationships altogether while ensuring we have healthier connections with people who support us on our journeys through life. While these tips may read easy, they won’t be, but I’m cheering you on. You deserve better and you’ll get better if you are better.
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Previously Published on Medium
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