Have you ever gotten involved with someone who kept leading you on but had no intentions of taking things further?
Or maybe, you’ve found yourself chasing after a person who would feed you stale bits of attention to keep you around but kept going radio silence for no apparent reason?
If these behaviors sound familiar, chances are you were being breadcrumbed — yes, another one of those weird modern dating terms.
“Breadcrumbing” is a term used to describe situations where a person shows romantic interest towards someone periodically, but in reality has no intention to become romantically involved with them.
In her article in PsychologyToday, Val Walker, MS, defines breadcrumbing as:
“When someone appears to engage with you by leaving a trail of breadcrumbs (little tidbits) but never really commits to anything solid or specific (sharing a decent slice of their loaf). We often call this pattern “stringing someone along” or “keeping options open.”
What follows are five signs, or if you want, red flags, that can help you identify whether someone is using this emotionally manipulative tactic on you.
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#1. They Come and Go As They Please
You know someone is a “breadcrumber” when they come and go as they please, sending you mixed signals and engaging in problematic communication patterns.
At first, trying to “decode” their behavior might seem exciting, or you might try to justify it by thinking things like “they must be dealing with something important ”, “they have no free time”, or “they might lack good communication skills”.
But, you know what? The mixed signals never stop. Your communication doesn’t get better after a while. Actually, the more you allow this behavior to pass, the more eager you seem to keep waiting around for them.
Signs this is happening in your case:
- They don’t message you consistently.
- They disappear for long periods of time and never offer an explanation.
- They take hours to respond to texts or return your calls.
- Their behavior towards you is inconsistent and unpredictable.
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#2. They Constantly Ask You for Some Kind of Validation
The #1 reason people engage in “breadcrumbing” is that they have low self-esteem and a huge need for attention and validation.
Breadcrumbers are awfully insecure and keeping you interested makes them feel better about themselves whereas getting any kind of validation from you makes them feel worthy and important.
For example, after disappearing for days, they might send you a selfie and ask you how their outfit looks, or call you to validate an initiative they took at work. Once they get what they want, they give you the cold shoulder again.
Signs this is happening in your case:
- The majority of your conversations are about them (their appearance, work, or actions).
- They often ask you to validate their looks, knowledge, or actions.
- They get angry or disappear for days after you make a negative comment about their behavior or don’t shower them with compliments as they expected.
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#3. They Avoid Making Regular Plans IRL
If you notice that the person you’re interested in seems content in communicating with you through texts or calls, but doesn’t show genuine interest in meeting regularly IRL, beware — you might be dealing with a breadcrumber.
Breadcrumbers have no plans in building an authentic relationship or a lasting connection with you, so they are 100% fine with keeping in touch only through texts or calls.
The important thing for them is to know they have your attention and/or confirm you still have a soft spot for them. And since that can easily be achieved through online communication, why bother actually going out with you?
Signs this is happening in your case:
- They only vaguely suggest meeting up — and when they do, they rarely follow through.
- They usually avoid making any set plans with you.
- When you suggest a specific time frame for a date, somehow they always have something else already planned.
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#4. Your Conversations Have No Depth
When someone’s genuinely interested in you, they obviously want to know more about you — your life, your habits, your hobbies, and everything in between.
With breadcrumbers, however, everything remains on a surface level.
They have no intention of getting to know you deeper or connecting with you, so they’ll rarely initiate meaningful conversations. They’ll also avoid conversations centered around deeper topics, or revealing intimate information about themselves.
Signs this is happening in your case:
- You’ve noticed that almost all your conversations are small talk.
- They often turn the conversation’s focus on themselves — but always on a superficial level.
- They don’t ask to know more about you and become frustrated when you show interested in knowing more about them.
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#5. They Temporarily Fix Their Behavior Every Time You Pull Away
Do you know what the most frustrating thing about breadcrumbers is? It’s like they have psychic powers.
Somehow, every time you tell yourself “that’s it, it’s time to move on”, they sense it and instantly fix their behavior — but only temporarily.
For example, you might decide to go on a date with someone else and take a while to answer their texts. They’ll immediately understand you’re about to bail on them, so they’ll start being more attentive, send you sweet words, or propose actual plans.
Then, when they make sure they have you hooked on them again, they’ll go back to their former behavior.
Signs this is happening in your case:
- They show renewed interest when you attempt to pull away.
- If you show any hint that you’re losing interest, they’ll immediately do everything to reinforce your attraction.
- They have a way with words and always manage to clear your doubts by saying they’ll change if you stay in your relationship.
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To Sum It Up…
Acknowledging you’ve fallen for the tricks of a breadcrumber can be hard — but at least you’ll finally know what was wrong in your relationship and why they behaved so strangely.
Now, unless you’re okay with maintaining a superficial relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you — or about building an authentic connection with you — letting yourself remain a victim of a breadcrumber’s game will only lead to more confusion, frustration, and emotional pain.
Breadcrumbing is a form of emotional manipulation — and emotional manipulation is wrong, no matter how you look at it.
Even though you might like the other person a lot, you should remind yourself that you deserve more than just a few breadcrumbs of attention every now and then. The best course of action is to move on to someone who will be able to make you feel secure and happy.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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