5 Communication Skills I Used To Improve Relationships

No matter your status or position you can always strengthen and finely tune specific areas of your psyche.

As a student of counseling, I almost have a responsibility to polish my communication skills to make them squeaky clean. Although in the helping profession my skill set slightly leans towards listening rather than having the “gift of the gob”.

Wherever you aim to be a stronger partner, friend or even have more influence in the board room I assure you if you can adopt these skills then your ambitions will be fulfilled. Not only regarding the above but more importantly it’ll be easier for you to connect with others — which is the main ingredient to happiness.

Improving your relationships

The skills below have been fundamental in my youthful career journey, but more importantly in my personal life.

You’d expect a counselor to have a wide capacity of communication techniques at their disposal.

Unfortunately, not all of us possess these skills, especially within our interpersonal relationships. In fact, a lack of, or, inadequate use of communication is one of the most common causes of relationship breakdowns.

I’ve found out the hard way that communication is fundamental to any healthy successful relationship. Since attaining, and improving these skills, I’ve managed to build and strengthen old and new relationships.

These skills not only help you in your relationships but also others. Its been a win-win outcome.

For companionship to be fruitful and nutritious here are the skills that will improve your relationships.

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1. Active listening

Active listening is the ability to carefully listen to what your partner/friend is saying. Not only verbally, but through body language, facial expressions, speed, and tone of voice, etc. It’s common for people who are highly influenced by emotions not to verbally communicate or express themselves accurately. Concluding the importance of being aware of these non-verbal signs.

I haven’t got enough fingers to count the number of times I’ve encountered a dialog that didn’t correspond with body language or tone of voice. If your partner gets in after a long day from work and looks deflated, slouched posture, unnatural tone of voice, then these are the signs you should pay attention to. It’s common in these situations for them to say “I’m fine”

The “I’m fine” statement can often be an invitation to sit and listen to concerns. In most cases you just need to support the speaker with an emphatic ear, it gives them a chance to self-alleviate their own distress.

A mistake I used to make in these settings is to try and offer a solution to the problem or try and conjure justification on why a partner/friend shouldn’t feel bad. Unfortunately, this only invalidates their feelings.

Stick the kettle on and stay by their side, offer a shoulder, open your eyes, and listen to what they have to say.

You’ll be surprised by the impact expressing feelings and thoughts has. It alleviates adversity and creates a great space in the mind. As a student in a relevant field myself, I know the power of having somebody to talk to.

We all need an outlet.

2. Use of good questioning

Good questions are the fundamentals of a good healthy conversation. Either to alleviate your partner/friends distress or to build a strong, compatible, more trusting bond. The use of the right questioning can be beneficial in a variety of contexts. It can help a person to understand themselves better. Also, it demonstrates that your interested in what they have to say, wherever, somebody is talking about their day, concerns, or their general interests or hobbies.

Depending on the context of the conversation, you have two extremely effective types of questioning at your disposal: open and Socratic questioning.

Only 3 weeks ago, I and a close friend met up for a coffee. We got talking about a newly enticing hobby of his. I was surprised though when he cut the conversation short, his attitude quickly changed, his body language turned closed and he wrapped up all communication around his mixed martial arts journey.

Facts were, that he automatically closed the conversation because in the past people showed little interest. However, the use of adequate questioning regarding the topic kickstarted a nutritious dialog.

Open and Socratic questioning make your interests more transparent, “can you tell me more?” “how’re you finding it?” “what’s made you start this journey?” These types of questions encourage and reassure the speaker.

Emphasizing these short questions with an engaging tone of voice will illustrate your interests further. Also, starting the questions with “oh really!!” “That sounds awesome!!” These are simple but effective approaches that make people feel comfortable and increase the chances of a dialog been set in motion.

Once utilizing these questions my friend’s body language instantly changed, it was like somebody turned him over to another channel. He went from a documentary about pipe insulation — disinterested and closed. To a curious, exhilarating episode of planet earth — engaging, open, and exciting.

I remember his chest rising, his neck extending, with a mile as long as the river Nile “well adam, let me tell you more”

3. Use of silence

All rationalists have this skill at their disposal. Ironically, this technique requires less energy than other skills, yet it’s one that most people fail to implement. I think the use of silence is one of the strongest signs of emotional maturity — something that every relationship needs if its to blossom.

Giving yourself time to respond, gives you separation and space in the mind. It’s a technique that eliminates the urge to respond impetuously. I hate to break it you, most people are culprits to respond in rapid-fire, without composing, regulating, or reflecting on what they have just heard. When emotions are high, we want to act, we want to express how we are feeling, unfortunately, we tend to do this impulsively — which leaves no room for rational or logical responses.

One of the most important communicational skills I’ve learned is the use of silence. It allows you to reflect, regulate, and cultivate a more structured, less biased response.

Equipping myself with this skill of silence took perseverance, especially in difficult conversations or when emotions are intensified. I can remember a handful of times when the use of silence would have saved me a lot of adversity.

In times of disagreement with past girlfriends, we would have petty, harmless little disputes, that quickly snowballed and escalated into a verbal battleground. To be cynical, sometimes we just don’t know when to shut up and we end up digging our own holes.

Every intimate relationship has its little arguments and times of disagreement, this is healthy. It only causes severe problems when we are in the midst of these arguments and gets carried away with emotions, this is when hell breaks loose.

We get carried away, we get defensive, we shout and in some cases, we even support our arguments with irrelevant past scenarios to try and strengthen our stance (some people see an argument as a battle they have to win). A recipe for disaster.

4. Listen with intent not to respond

How many times do you think of a response even before the person has even finished talking? The problem with this is you only hear partly what the speaker is saying, you start to interpret everything they’re saying through biased goggles. You hear what you think or want to hear. Your ears act as a deceptive filter.

Stephen R. Covey wrote in his book: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change — “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Resisting the urge to conjure a response, even if you deem it to be helpful, gives both you and the speaker an opportunity to regulate, and understand what they’re saying. Instead of a rebound of quick-fire natter — if you’re not careful a conversation turns into a talking exercise, where nobody is listening to anyone.

And in a lot of sensitive conversation — the speaker, in this case, let’s say your partner doesn’t always want a response, they just need an empathic ear.

5. Reflecting

In an emotional setting, we tend to lose the structure and coherency of our dialog and we turn into a verbal waterfall. Sometimes under the deception of intense emotions, we fail to perceive how our dialog can come across.

Reflecting is a simple technique that tames an emotionally high conversation. It entails listening to keywords, words that are the talker is expressing with emotion, and then repeating these words back to them. Putting similar emphasis on those words illustrates that you are engaging with what they are saying. It also helps you to understand the emotions behind what they’re saying.

This skill has mutual benefits — it also aids the speaker to regulate, as well as helping them towards achieving self-realization. Mirroring the dialog back at the speaker allows them to reflect on their own words.

This communication technique can be used in a variety of contexts; problem-solving, heated, or difficult conversations. To demonstrates the flexibility of its effectiveness, I’ll use an example of how it can be beneficial in times of distress.

I remember having a difficult conversation with my sister, like most of us, when emotions are high, we don’t always communicate coherently and rationally. Unfortunately, this was the case for her (hopefully she’ll take this on the chin) I’ll skip the details for the discussion and get to the reflection part of the conversation.

Once she expressed words that I perceived to be fueled with adverse emotions; a different tone, volume, or a change of body language. I sympathized with her, and repeated the same words back to her, with a nod of the head — -to denote understanding.

In this quick process, I acted as a mirror for her, a reflection which gave her a wider perspective, and view that was more objective. It created space in her mind for rational and logical thinking. I remember repeating a particular snippet of her rant, and after she heard it through me, she laughed with perplexity. “Hmm why did I even say that”

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Wrapping up

Communication is at the heart of life, it’s the fundamentals of meaning, as well as making the world go around. In today’s modern society, the effective disposal of communication skills is essential for a progressive and fulfilled lifestyle. Wherever that is in business or interpersonal relationships.

From somebody who has been at both ends of what I call the “communication spectrum” I can affirm to you that life is easier having these skills in your mental toolkit. Not only do you attract positive energy, but you become capable of expressing yourself.

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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

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