5 Counterintuitive but Effective Steps To Make Your Next Breakup Hurt Less

The first breakups my friends and I went through during our teens were nasty. There were tears for days, weeks, and months. Some of us vowed to never fall in love again. Some of us feared we will never be able to love someone else the same way.

In our 30s now, we cover a wide range of profiles — from freshly single again to happily married parents of two — but we all reached here with a few more big and small heartbreaks along the way.

The rates went down for lies, fights, and infidelity as a cause for a breakup. Peacefully going separate ways to pursue different things took center stage.

We learned to find better partners mostly by learning ourselves better.

By now, we agree that breakups are inevitable milestones until you know yourself well enough and find the one you want to be with for as long as you can see into the future.

If it’s inevitable, and the ending isn’t all bad, why did we ache so much? Why did we hurt the other person in the process?

Of course, psychology can explain a lot here Meanwhile, I would like to nudge you in the direction of the art, rather than the science of better breakups — things I wish we considered when we were younger and a little too spontaneous for our own good.

These are five counterintuitive but effective steps to make your next breakup hurt less.

Start with an Expression of Gratitude

It’s painful to be reminded of the good times after a relationship ends, especially if you were on the receiving end of bad news. But before you cast away this advice, hear me out.

Taking a moment to look back at everything good that happened gives you the reassurance that you were together for a reason, for however long it was.

This admission to yourself that this person took part in some of your life’s wonderful moments can inspire gratitude. When it does, thank them.

What isn’t working any longer doesn’t take away what was beautiful. By being aware of that, you find reassurance that your time and emotions didn’t go to waste.

Make an Honest Wish for Happiness

Don’t be that person who wishes the one leaving to live miserably.

Human beings can adapt to changes very well and improve control of their lives. Regardless of what went wrong, they will find their way to normalcy and happiness eventually. By hoping that they will mourn and regret your absence, you first turn bitter and then blame the universe for being unfair when the opposite happens.

Put yourself in that mindset, and tell them out loud, genuinely, that you want them to be happier, find someone right, someone better for themselves.

If somehow they turn out miserable, you won’t enjoy it. I’ve been there and it sucks. After you heal and move on, it can hurt you badly to see your ex suffering. Not because you could have worked things out, but for not being able to do anything to make them feel better.

And Then a Parting Gift

No, I’m serious. I am not trying to make you two fall back in love when you’re clearly going separate ways. Again, just hear me out.

First of all, it’s a wonderful gesture. This is probably your final opportunity to do something nice for them, and give them something to remember you by. Not so that they can be reminded of the heartache and separation, but to express that you have no grudge against them.

This is your way of ridding them of guilt and freeing yourself from negativity. Your heart will heal eventually, so why regret not giving your best to someone you shared a lot with during your final moments together?

Take Notes of the Not-Okays

Make a list of mistakes you made in the relationship, and give it a serious thought.

It’s not about who should carry the blame for things going south. It’s about you taking control of the kind of partner and lover you are.

In one of my past relationships, I was subject to the kind of abuse that nothing can justify. Despite that, looking back I can easily find a hundred things I should have done differently — words I shouldn’t have chosen, reactions I shouldn’t have had, times I should have stood up for myself.

But when you make that list, it will be less about regrets and more about learning. It will be about knowing what you can do better for the next person coming into your life, who probably deserves your best even more.

Finally, Fireworks.

Every end is a new beginning, and a fresh start is no small reason for celebration.

Be it by yourself, with friends or loved ones, do something fun, eat something nice, watch something good. Heck, dance a little!

Remind yourself that change is part of life’s beauty, that every chapter has its own merit in the story of your life.

Whether you’re tricking yourself into a positive mindset or truly reaching one, you will end up in a better state of mind after having processed this change with grace, kindness, and growth.

Then give the one in your mirror a smile and a nod.

Breakups are rarely easy and almost always painful, but each of them also comes with an opportunity to put you in a better place.

Whenever we face defeats elsewhere in life, we try our best to give it a positive spin — we tell ourselves they are sources of learning, stepping stones to a better self.

Then why not keep the same attitude towards heartbreaks?

Why not come out of it on the other side, not as a bitter person, but a better person?

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Previously published on medium

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