When it comes to dating and having relationships, stress is part of the equation. Not because of how hard or challenging dating is, but more so because the outside world often takes its toll on you.
You often bring home the stresses you’ve encountered throughout the day.
Research says stress spills over into our relationships, causing a variety of problems. When people are feeling stressed out, they can become withdrawn, distracted, and less affectionate. Leisure activities are put on the back burner, which creates alienation from friends, including one’s partner.
Stress brings out our worst traits. We’re depleted of cognitive resources, which makes us hyper-vigilant and overly sensitive to criticism.
Since we’re more irritable, we’re more likely to fight over minuscule issues we’d normally drop — and if relationship stress was already a problem, it will increase when external stressors are added to the equation.
With that being said, here are a few things that affect relationships and what you can do to strengthen your partnership against life’s inevitable stressors.
. . .
A lack of communication with one another.
That’s what my friend told me after over an hour of venting about her relationship and how she’s struggling between whether or not it’s worth staying or if it’s a sign that the relationship isn’t meant to be.
Not being heard or understood is stressful, especially when you feel like the one person who is supposed to understand you and be there for you refuses to make an effort. This can seep into other areas of your life and put a lot of strain on you.
Couples that don’t learn to communicate well often face issues when it comes to conflict, intimacy, and relational growth. When you make an active effort to understand your partner’s inner world and have them understand yours, it’s pivotal to true connection.
Lack of communication in relationships shouldn’t be ignored. It can cause misunderstandings, make you feel invisible, or like your partner just doesn’t care enough, and ultimately it can cause a lot of unnecessary stress that is 100% avoidable if you just make an effort to communicate with one another.
What you can do to fix this:
I always say to approach the issue head-on and not beat around the bush.
Have a sit-down conversation with your partner in a relaxed environment when you have plenty of time on your hands and tell them exactly what you need.
Don’t be afraid to speak up. If you never do, nothing will ever change. Something I’ve recently;y started doing with my partner is having weekly check-ins.
On Sunday, we chat about our goals for the week, things that bothered us during the prior week, concerns, etc. Anything we need to get off our chest — that’s our day to let it all come out. It’s helped to create a safe space to talk openly.
. . .
Pornography.
I once heard someone say they like to watch porn and then have sex with their partner because it turns them on.
I found this odd for a multitude of reasons. Why do you need someone else to turn you on if you’re in a relationship? If there’s a problem within your sex life, you need to get to the root of the issue, not put a bandaid over it.
Pornography is destructive. It’s that simple. Seeing porn has become extremely normal nowadays because of all the media we consume; just the other day, I was at a nail salon, and a music video started playing an extremely dirty music video. It was uncomfortable for me as well as some of the other people in the salon.
I’m not being a prude. I’m just saying, would you want your kids seeing that?
Studies regularly explore the negative sides of viewing porn, and the results aren’t pretty. Russell Brand recently put out a video warning people against porn.
In addition, pornography can be extremely harmful to your relationships. According to a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Gary Gilles says:
A study found that though porn objectifies and dehumanizes both men and women, elements of gender inequality are frequently at play, with men’s faces going unshown in many cases, and women are depicted more as objects.
Another study analyzed hundreds of scenes in popular porn and found that 88% of them depicted violent behavior toward women.
What you can do to fix this:
Pornography has negative effects on both the viewer and those around them. If you’re struggling with it, reach out to a trusted friend or counselor.
You can also download a filter on the devices you use — phone, tablet, laptop, work computer, etc.
If you’ve been watching pornography in your relationship for a while without your partner’s knowledge, you need to ask yourself why. Are you sexually unsatisfied? Is this something you can bring up to your partner?
. . .
A poor sex life — or a nonexistent one.
A lot of good relationships can end over a poor sex life. Relationships that have the ability to thrive can dissolve. Not because the two of you aren’t a good match, but because the two of you simply didn’t put in the effort to fix your intimate life.
If you’re:
- Not having sex
- You do have sex — but you can’t remember the last time you did.
- You’re unable to orgasm.
- You suffer from erectile dysfunction.
- Your sex is boring.
- Low libido.
You need to sit down with your partner and figure out a way to work through these problems. You might feel like these things aren’t that big of a deal or that the relationship isn’t too bad, but this is a big deal, and those small dissatisfactions and disappointments really do matter in the grand scheme of things.
If you want to save your relationship from sexual problems and the bitterness they can cause, start taking those little things seriously.
What you can do to fix this:
It’s your responsibility to make sex feel fun.
I’m not a sex expert; I can’t tell you how to fix your erectile dysfunction, but I can say that turning your sex life around isn’t just a matter of saving the relationship — it’s a lot more than that.
If you actually work on it, your love with your partner will blossom; you’ll start enjoying sex that is mutually fulfilling. You’ll feel increasingly more happy in your relationship, and you’ll feel a lot more confident to ask for what you need and want.
. . .
Money money money.
Although it’s a whole lot of fun when you have it, it can also be the bane of one’s existence when one doesn’t have it.
Insider polled 2,096 Americans about their financial health and habits; 670 were millennials between the ages of 23 and 38.
Of the millennials surveyed who were in serious, long-term relationships, 88% reported having financial imbalance. And they were either making significantly more or less money than their partner. Of these people, 66% said that money caused stress in their relationship.
In the same study, millennials reported more stress about all types of debt than other generations did overall. Credit cards, mortgages, student loans, and car loans played a massive role in overall stress levels for millennials.
In addition, the stress means millennials are pushing back a lot of major life events due to a lack of money.
A 2018 study by Pew Research Center says 29% of millennials who aren’t married claimed that financial instability is the reason they’ve put off marriage, more than those who say they haven’t found the right person or aren’t ready to settle down yet.
Business Insider’s Hillary Hoffower reports that millennials are also putting off parenthood because it’s too expensive.
Money can either make you incredibly happy for the freedom and opportunities it provides, or it can cause you infinite stress because when you don’t have it — it’s all you think about.
What you can do to fix this:
If you’re struggling with finances, you need to ask yourself if being in a relationship should even be on top of your priorities in the first place.
I’ve had friends who go on dates left and right but struggle to pay their rent at the end of the month.
I know people who get themselves into debt because they want to portray a “flashy” image of themselves to their partners.
I also know people who are in loving and healthy relationships, and yet they still struggle and argue because of the strain that a lack of money puts on people.
If you’re in a relationship and money is a huge burden that sits on your shoulder every morning, you need to start taking action. I’m not a financial specialist, I don’t know what your situation is, but I know from personal experience how stressful my life felt when I was in debt.
I also know how good it felt to get out of that debt when I put my head down and set a goal to work as much as possible to eliminate that debt.
A few things you can start doing to minimize the stress that money puts on your relationship:
- Budget.
- Prioritize credit cards with the highest interest rate.
- Pick up extra shifts for extra money and immediately put that money away for your debt.
- Get a side job/gig/hustle.
- Talk to your partner. Sometimes talking it through and getting a new perspective can really help.
. . .
A lack of respect.
A lack of respect is a huge cause of stress.
If your partner doesn’t respect the following:
- You
- Your time
- Your body
- Your space
- Your health
- Your needs
- Your ambitions
Then they most likely have the mindset of — “Your needs aren’t as important as mine are.” They will flake on you, give you excuses, make you feel unworthy, and even lie to you. It will always be about them, what they want, and what they need.
If you’re in this boat, not only are you being disrespected by your partner, but you’re also disrespecting yourself by staying with someone who causes such stress in your life.
One of my closest friends recently got out of a relationship she thought was it for her. He was The One.
Until little by little, she started noticing how little respect he had for her ambitions and her personal goals.
When they initially started dating, she loved how supportive he was. They were both going to chase their dreams. They both wanted a grand future together. But, as the months went by, everything became solely about him and his dreams.
Instead of her working on her own projects, he would constantly ask her to sacrifice her free time to help him with his. If she refused, he would guilt-trip her. When she talked about this with him, he shrugged it off.
What you can do to fix this:
It’s incredibly important to pay attention to these types of things; if your partner blatantly disregards you and your needs and doesn’t make an active effort to change, then it’s something you need to think about.
Asserting these types of boundaries is also a huge sign of self-respect. When you honor yourself and your needs, you feel more relaxed and at ease to be your most true and authentic self.
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
.10 Things Good Men Should Never Do in a Relationship | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | .. In Modern Relationships, We Cheat Every Single Day | Here’s What Happens When You Find The One |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash