I’m that friend.
I love saving people from themselves. If I had my way (and didn’t risk getting punched in the face), I’d shamelessly take a fighting couple to the side, sit them down, hug them, and show them a better way. There’s always a better way.
I love showing people how to create amazing relationships with themselves first and then with their Boo. (Do we still call lovers Boo?)
And no. I’m no expert or anything. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know a thing or two about wading through murky relationships waters.
Boy, were they right when they said experience was the best teacher!
So, yes, I have so much to say! But, I know you got a life so, I’ll restrain myself from overwhelming you. Here are five short, straight-to-the-point truths about love that I desperately wish everyone knew.
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1. At Times, Circumstances Kill Love, Not People.
No one goes in, hoping it’ll end. We aim for the happily-ever-after. But since love is a thorny and messy affair, the outcome doesn’t always align with the intention. Relationships turn into piles of rubble all the time. The romance withers, and sparks of passion get snuffed out.
Often, couples shift the blame on each other because doing so is far much easier than admitting that they dropped the ball. And while you’ll always find a sliver of fault to pin on someone — no matter how “perfect” they are. The reality is, at times, relationships end because of circumstances, not because of the people in them.
At times, we’re too young to commit to one person. At times, we think we’re ready when we aren’t. At times we’re incapable of meshing our lives with another person. At times our ideas about love are so removed from reality that we need time to learn. At times, we’re better as friends, not lovers. Some relationships cannot be fixed, especially when two people are headed in different directions.
It helps to read the fine print from the beginning; otherwise, we run the risk of leaving the people we loved in the rugged wayside of a breakup.
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2. The Biggest Hindrance To Love Is Fear.
We all know at least one person who has it all together but can’t seem to find the one thing they desperately want — love. On the surface, they seem content. In fact, they’ll say things like: I’m too focused on my career to allow the distraction of a relationship.
And while this may be the hundred percent truth for some people, it’s not the case for many. If you dug deeper and, you’ll be amazed and what you’ll find.
I watched a coach do this with a strong, carefree six-foot-two male. Within two minutes of pressing the right buttons, the muscular dude assumed the meekness of a kitten. It became evident that fear was the number one reason why he’d blocked out love and sabotaged every relationship. He’s not alone.
People are afraid of all the baggage that they attach to love. They’re afraid of emotional nakedness, of losing their independence, of sharing their lives with someone else. The list is endless.
The truth is, fear never goes away, even for those with years of marriage under their belt. There’s always a remote chance that your lover (or you) could turn into a stranger you can’t live with anymore. Or they could fall out of love. None of us is safe.
Yet, this should never stop you from creating the space for love to enter. Because the minute love begins to sprout, it stirs up the courage to bare everything — fear notwithstanding.
“All the things that people do in order to show that they don’t need anybody… meanwhile, all they really want to do is say, “Please keep me.” We all want to be kept. The problem is we are too afraid to let anyone know about it.” — C. JoyBell C.
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3. Always Choose People Who Love You, Not Those You Love.
Oh, how I wish I got this brutal honest truth one right from the start. I’d have stopped waiting for a love that was never going to come. We’re always choosing people we love, but we never stop to ask ourselves if they are capable of loving us the way we want or deserve to be loved.
In our continuous chase for people to love us, we fail to notice those who genuinely and authentically love us. We waste years, go through a roller-coaster of emotional highs and lows while those who love us stand and watch us beg on the streets.
Don’t demand love from people who have no capacity to love you. Those who care about the little things in your life are the ones who truly matter.
“Every broken heart has screamed at one time or another: Why can’t you see who I truly am?” ― Shannon L. Alder
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4. Love Isn’t Created Equal.
Love comes in different intensities. It can be shallow, just enough for surface-level affection to thrive. It can be a bit deeper, but the person isn’t fully invested. Then you’ve got the one that is as rare as a gem — and sadly, the one many people never experience.
It’s the one that stays strong no matter what, transcending the variable winds of life — distance, illness, family discord, demanding kids, financial setbacks, anything. This love is tested just like the others. Spouses will fight, but they’ll be fighting for their love, not for themselves. This is the love we all deserve.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky
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5. Love Never Dies a Natural Death.
No force is stronger than love. Every religion preaches this. Every teacher teaches this. Every culture shows this. And yet, love dies. Hearts break. Dreams shatter, and lives turn upside down. Here’s the thing though; Love never dies a natural death.
It dies because we don’t know how to nourish it. It withers because we forget to weed out the trivialities that stifle it. It dies of acts of betrayal. It dies of deep cuts of words spoken at the wrong time. It dies of weariness and slackness.
It’s on us to keep working on it, day in, day out. To keep it fresh, sexy, shiny, spontaneous, and alive.
“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.”
― Ursula K. Le Guin
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There you are. Short and sweet as promised:)
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Jessica Felicio on Unsplash