Let me be brutally honest: I spent most of my teenage years upset because I didn’t have a boyfriend. I’m not saying this because I want you to pity me. But looking back, I came to a surprising realization.
I’m glad I couldn’t find a boyfriend back then.
Although it hurt me deeply back then, I have a different perspective about relationships now. I made too many mistakes to count because I ignored the most basic rules of relationships. It’s no wonder my relationships didn’t work.
What’s worse: I didn’t even know how ignorant I was.
If you’re reading this, I assume you’re in a similar position. You struggle to find a relationship because you keep making the same mistakes (even if you’re not aware of them).
But don’t worry: You don’t have to go through the same painful path as me. You can save your time, energy, and mental health by watching my mistakes.
Here are the relationship rules you shouldn’t ignore:
1. Forget your ego.
I spent so many years wanting a relationship that (ironically) I forgot why I wanted it in the first place. Even if I found a relationship back then, I’d start it to please my ego, not to be with someone I loved. So here’s my first advice:
Forget your ego.
You should start a relationship because you love your partner. Yet, relationships give you other hidden benefits. It makes you feel safe, increases your self-esteem, and can even help you financially. Love makes you feel validated because you were chosen.
These benefits can outshine your love for your partner.
When you’re desperate for a relationship, you don’t want love. What you truly want are these hidden benefits. You want to boost your ego.
Except that would never work. When you choose someone only to boost your ego, you don’t build the foundation you need to face challenges (and trust me, the challenges will come).
So take a step back and answer: Why do you want a relationship?
2. Your rejections don’t matter.
I used to be terrified of rejection. Let’s be honest: When someone rejects you romantically, it’s 100% personal. It means they don’t like you enough to start a relationship.
But love isn’t like a soccer game.
When you play soccer, you want to score as many goals as you can (that’s how you win the match). The love game follows different rules. Overall, there’s not one way to win. But I’d say you only need one k*ller goal: The person you marry.
Rejections hurt like a b*tch.
But I’m here to tell you this pain won’t matter in five years. You may get rejected 1,000 times. But if, in the end, you find that one person who appreciates you for who you are, you still win the game.
3. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Although everybody likes the idea of love, nobody tells you how much the person you marry can change your life: The place you live, your finances, and even your children. Love is a serious game, and I kind of understood that.
Except it backfired badly: I took love too seriously.
The idea of “love will change my life” puts too much pressure on your relationship. Yes, it is a serious matter. You’re talking about real people with real feelings.
But you can’t forget to have fun.
When you obsess with doing things right, you become tense. That’s why you won’t be open to opportunities, even when they’re perfect for you. You need to find the right balance between enjoying the journey and making smart choices.
4. Love isn’t a ticket to “happy island.”
There’s one common misconception about love: People believe it guarantees happiness. That’s the mindset that kills relationships.
Imagine you just started a relationship, and your partner believes this relationship is the only thing that makes them happy. If you ever decide to leave, you’ll take all their joy away. How do you feel about that?
Even the best love can’t overcome this pressure.
Love is supposed to be nice (otherwise, nobody would do it). But your happiness shouldn’t depend on your relationship. That’s extremely dangerous for you and your partner. What happens when they suddenly decide to leave?
You should build your happiness on multiple pillars: Your friendships, hobbies, family, and personal projects.
Your relationship is not the key to happiness: It’s only one of the pillars.
5. Accept their world.
You’re made of multiple different things.
If I ask you, “who are you?”, you won’t find a simple answer. There’s not one thing that makes you, you. You’re made of multiple things: Your past, family, dreams, feelings, and the people you love.
Each person holds an entire world inside of them.
Yet, it’s easy to forget your partner has a life outside of your relationship. Relationships give you a feeling of ownership (even if you don’t notice it). It’s like your partner owes you something. They have to spend time with you, even if that means sacrificing their hobbies.
Relationships can feel like a prison.
So here’s my advice: Respect your partner’s inner world. Their interests shape who they are. When you stop them from pursuing their interests, you lose the person you fell in love with.
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Where does suffering come from? Looking back, I realized my suffering for love came from a place of lack. I thought I couldn’t be happy by myself, so I expected too much from a relationship that didn’t even exist.
This advice doesn’t guarantee you’ll find love. You can’t control when you meet someone, how you feel, or how your partner feels. You can’t control love.
But these mindset shifts make you prepared for when you find it.
My final advice is: Don’t pressure love. I know the waiting feels endless and even unfair. But stressing over something you can’t control won’t help you. Find things to keep you entertained until you find love.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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