5 Reasons Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Commit to You

If you have deep feelings for someone and have been seeing them for some time now, it’s normal to expect some sort of commitment and exclusivity from them.

You’re spending all your time together; you’re going on dates, going home together, doing the occasional grocery runs together — you’re essentially a couple, so why not make it official?

When my partner and I first started talking, we lived in different states, and it was purely platonic. I was moving to California within a couple of months, and I just wanted a friend. I wanted to at least know one person, but as the months went on, I realized I wanted more. I was completely smitten with him.

The problem? He didn’t want to commit. Now, we live together, have a beautiful life together, and are about to celebrate our 3rd year anniversary in just a few short weeks.

There are various reasons your partner might not want to commit to you right now. Some are harsh, and some are reasons you probably haven’t even considered.

It doesn’t mean they don’t want to be with you, but it’s important to understand why they’re hesitating. You don’t want to end up wasting your time on someone who doesn’t want the same things you do.

If your partner doesn’t want to commit, here are a few reasons why.

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They don’t see a future with you.

If you’ve been with someone for a long time and you don’t see them making any moves to make a real commitment towards you, it might just be that they don’t see a future with you.

Lisa Concepcion, love life coach, says:

“You might be with someone who sees you as someone they can date, but not necessarily someone they can marry. It’s maddening and frustrating.”

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Some people end up wasting years of their life with someone who plans on having a future with someone else. So it’s important to actually have these types of conversations with your partner to understand where they’re at and what they want, especially if marriage is important to you.

I’ve dated people before that I knew there was no future to be had; it felt like fun and games at the time, but someone always ends up getting hurt if there isn’t a mutual agreement that the relationship is purely casual and temporary.

If you’re in this situation, and you constantly find yourself wondering if your partner is ever going to make a real commitment towards you — talk about it with them.

It might feel uncomfortable, but it’s better to know where their head is at now rather than spend years in limbo wondering if they’re ever going to want anything more serious with you.

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They’re not where they want to be in life.

Committing to someone is a huge responsibility, and not everyone is willing or ready to take it on.

If your partner says, they feel like they’re not where they want to be in life, believe them. Building a life together isn’t easy, and if your partner is man enough to admit that he isn’t in a place where he can support a family and take care of a household, then maybe a bit of patience is necessary.

Dr. Connie Omari, a clinician who specializes in relationships, says,

“Your partner might see a future with you. They may envision you getting married and starting a family together. But if they really don’t feel like they’re ready for that, especially financially, it can stop them from wanting to commit too soon.

If this is the case, a little bit of patience can pay off. If you know your partner is struggling financially, just be supportive. Pushing for commitment when they’re not in a good place in their life will just add to their stress.”

I’ve always been eager to get married. I think about my dream wedding all the time — the dress, the flowers, the massive rich chocolate cake that I plan on devouring. I’m smiling just thinking about it.

But I’m not where I want to be in life yet in order for that to happen. I wouldn’t be able to financially contribute to my dream wedding. So think about it this way, are you financially ready for the responsibility of having a family, or marriage, or whatever else you desire? Maybe you are, but your partner isn’t.

Put yourself in their shoes.

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They want to see what else is out there.

You can care for someone and still wonder what else is out there. A lot of people feel overwhelmed by the idea of committing to one person, whether it be short-term or long-term.

It ultimately just means they’re not ready for a serious relationship, or they don’t care enough to stop seeing other people.

A friend of mine was madly in love with a guy she saw on and off for years. He strung her along, telling her he didn’t have time for a relationship, he needed to focus on his business, but in reality, he was out with other women. My friend was his backup plan when everyone else was unavailable.

If you’re with someone like this, the best thing you can do is cut it off. He’s selfish. And he’s not going to stop being selfish for you. He’s selfish now, and he’s probably going to remain selfish for who knows how long.

You want a serious relationship; they want to screw around with other people. A few fun moments with the person you care about isn’t worth the amount of pain you’re going to feel knowing they don’t care for you in the same way.

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Their family won’t approve of you.

For some, parental approval is everything. They might love you and want to be with you, but if they even have an inkling of doubt that their parents won’t approve of you, they will put commitment off.

Dr. Connie Omari says:

“A lack of parental approval could be because of many things, including being from different cultures, religions, different social classes, and/or simply having very strict parents who are difficult to please. Either way, your partner may be struggling with a commitment to you if they feel you may not fit in with their family dynamics.”

Honestly, this is an incredibly complicated situation to be in because you can’t force your partner to think differently. If the reasoning behind why the parents don’t approve of you is logical, maybe you have some shit you need to work on.

But if they don’t approve of you over something minor, for instance, say his mother doesn’t like you because she doesn’t think anyone is good enough for her son, then your partner has to be man enough to stand up for you.

If your partner doesn’t feel like you’re going to fit into his family dynamic, you have to respect that and make the decision on if this is really the right relationship for you.

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They’re just not ready.

It sounds simple. But maybe he’s just not ready.

Emotionally, mentally, psychologically — etc. He’s not ready to be in a relationship. He’s not ready to feel like he has someone waiting on him. He doesn’t want to go on regular dates with the same individual. Or sleep with the same person.

He doesn’t want to be tied down. Maybe he’s not ready to be in touch with his feelings. He wants to have fun with his friends. He doesn’t understand who he is and what he wants out of life yet.

Guy night is too important, and he’s not willing to give it up. He enjoys his bachelor life. He’s got a lot on his plate. He’s working towards something. He doesn’t think he’s ready to meet The One yet.

Really it could be for a multitude of reasons, but it all boils down to the fact that he’s just not ready, and it’s better to accept that and move on rather than try to change it and try to force someone into being with you or giving you half-assed love and a half-assed relationship.

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Maybe the problem isn’t you.

Maybe they’re not ready. Maybe they’re not where they want to be yet. Maybe they’re not ready to commit to one individual. Maybe they don’t think you’re The One, and in this case, they aren’t The One either.

There are various reasons people hesitate when it comes to commitment. The important thing is to understand why and identify whether it’s worth waiting for it to happen one day, or to move on.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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