5 Sad Observations From a Daddy Daughter Dance

I have two girls aged 10 and 7, and I’m fortunate that we have a good relationship. I’ve always worked from home, so I’ve had the opportunity to spend an enormous amount of time with them. Unfortunately, after attending a daddy daughter dance, my primary takeaway is that many men have no clue how to relate to their daughters.

Bonding with your children is critical, especially in the first few years. When my daughters were infants, I made it a point to have both of them fall asleep in my arms at least once a day. It’s sad that in American society, men generally aren’t encouraged to spend time with their kids. A daddy daughter dance ends up being too little, too late.

My wife signed me up after she saw that the local school was holding a daddy daughter dance. She perceived it as an opportunity for the girls to wear the same ‘Frozen’ dresses that they’d used for Halloween, and I agreed to go because I like sharing activities with my girls. Although I enjoyed spending time with my daughters as always, my overwhelming impression is that the tradition is pretty creepy.

1. It shouldn’t be looked at as a date

There is no tradition in which mothers take out their sons to movie and a dinner by way of showing them what they can expect on a romantic evening. However, there’s a strange tendency for men to take out their daughters on a pretend date and justify it as a way of teaching them self-respect.

I don’t think it’s appropriate that there be an expectation for young women to sexualize themselves in preparation for an evening with their dad. But when we showed up at the daddy daughter dance, my girls and I instantly felt out of place.

From the moment we stepped out of the car, it was obvious that this event wasn’t intended to be a fun little dress-up evening. The girls were arriving as if they were decked out for prom. The exercise of putting make-up on a child seems rather pointless. Children already have delightful, innocent, happy features that cannot be improved upon.

2. The men didn’t know how to interact with their children

Most of the men at the event looked uncomfortable and nervous. This highlighted the problem with the concept of men taking their daughters out on an “appropriate” date. I got the distinct impression that many of these men had no clue what that entailed.

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Many of the men were stiff and had their faces set in sour expressions. I felt really bad for their daughters and I couldn’t escape the impression that the event must be humiliating for them. Few of the dads engaged in casual conversation with their children, and even fewer went through the motions of opening doors or acting as an escort.

What fun is it to go to a daddy daughter dance only to have your dad sprint ahead leaving you to try to chase after him on three inch heels you don’t know how to wear?

3. They didn’t hold to policy

In every piece of propaganda that was associated with the event, there was clear language that no women would be allowed. This evening was supposed to be a time for men to bond with their daughters. The focus was supposed to be family.

At first I thought banning women at the event was an extreme position, but after I saw the dads I could understand the logic. These men sort of reminded me of the vampires in ‘Twilight’ that had only recently given up feeding on human blood. They appeared only barely capable of controlling themselves, and frankly, they made me nervous.

Despite the rules of the event, there were a couple of ladies with name tags reading “father” dancing like they were out at a club. They quickly drew a crowd of awkward fathers while the daughters were left to sit around doing nothing. I was depressed to see my worst impressions of humanity confirmed all at one place.

In any community, there is a stronger undercurrent of infidelity than anyone wants to recognize. Some individuals engage in frequent affairs and live under the delusion that they get away with it. But such things always have a consequence.

4. The dance area was dark

I’d kind of expected a festive event with lots of lights and the opportunity to chat with my children. However, the dance area was almost completely black, and the music was too loud to hear yourself think.

The set up was totally bizarre. It reminded me more of a rave than a playground, the only thing that was missing was alcohol and I’m sure that could have been found if I had cared to look.

There was simply no opportunity for the dads to chat with their kids or play with them or have the chance to get to know each other. Instead, it was this awkward and inappropriate setting that seemed designed to make the dads perceive their children as even more unapproachable than they already did.

5. It was creepy

We didn’t stick around too long. I didn’t like the way some of the dads looked at some of the older children. Of course, the girls had a right to dress up and try to have a fun time, and it was a shame that these men were so selfish that they didn’t seem capable of controlling themselves so the girls could enjoy their evening.

After a little while, my girls asked to go back home. When we arrived, we turned on all the lights, dug out the “Frozen” soundtrack, and had a dance party in the living room with mom. They were giggling and happy and we achieved the daddy daughter dance experience that we’d hoped for.

My takeaway

As a man, you hear about things like the #metoo movement, systemic misogyny, and other ways that women are mistreated in our society. I think many fathers are sincere in their efforts to understand these things, but we always have to remember that, as a man, it’s impossible to fully understand the challenges that women face.

When you have children, you undergo a transformation. The mentality of a single guy in his twenties is different than the mentality of a married man with two daughters in his 40s. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either mentality, but transitioning from one to the other is a process that takes time and requires diligence.

A man must cultivate a special relationship with his daughters that, I think, requires the recognition and acknowledgment of the worst behaviors men can exhibit. Some men feel entitled to grumble about movements like #metoo, but they’re deluding themselves and missing the point. My experience at the daddy daughter dance gave me a better insight into this concept. The sad part was, I don’t think many of the men there had the same epiphany.

It’s not complicated guys, just treat your daughters like they are human beings. Treat all women that way.

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This post was previously published on “A Parent Is Born”, a Medium publication.

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