5 Self-Improvement Changes That Can Also Make You a Better Friend

Friendship is not one way traffic.

Not only is it important to surround ourselves with good people, but to be good to those we surround ourselves with too.

In a 2021 study, American’s said they have less friends than they used to.

When we prioritise our self-care, we can sometimes forget to nurture these relationships.

But they are proven to be an important part of our sense of emotional well-being.

It doesn’t need to be either / or. You can have both.

Here are some ways to grow as an individual and maintain and develop our relationships with others too.

#1. Stop Bailing (Seriously)

We live in the golden age of bailing.

Perhaps this is a symptom of the fraying social contract. The desire to see people vs. the reality of actually seeing people. The rose-tinted view of the world (and how we want to spend our free time) on Monday is quickly crushed and corrupted by the week’s events. Tossed and turned by life, we flake out by the time our weekend plans come up.

Don’t be that friend.

Every time we do it we nudge the habit closer to normal, meaning it becomes more acceptable. More expected. And the only way to reverse the trend is to stop it.

Half the things you put off seeing a friend for can be soothed with their help. Or the time spent away from your ‘normal life’.

Or if you find you’re often making too many commitments, ask yourself why. Is it because you’re bad at saying no? Do you need to get to know your priorities better? Are you stretched too thin?

#2. Have the Guts to Be a First Mover

Are you the friend who always reaches out first?

It can get tedious. Frustrating. It can make you feel like you deserve more.

‘If they liked me, they’d reach out first’.

But you don’t know what’s going on with them. They might get insecure about reaching out because they fear rejection. Perhaps they’re swamped in life dealing with urgent things; they need a friend but haven’t had the time to realise it’s on them to call.

Don’t let your ego or pride stop you reaching out.

It takes a little confidence, and a little courage. You’re risking rejection. But would you rather be the person who avoids things that risk failure, or build the courage to try these things anyway?

What do you lose? You either see someone whose company you enjoy, or you get better at doing things that scare you.

Don’t let little thoughts like the above dive you apart from people who enrich and strengthen you. It’s always easier to nurture a current friendship than find new ones.

And if it really bugs you, talk about it with them.

#3. Develop the Skill of Listening

Too many people think listening means waiting for your turn to speak.

True listening is about actually engaging with what the person is saying. Thinking about it. Then responding or acknowledging.

And it’s powerful. Listening to someone shows you appreciate and respect them. You care about what they have to say. And it’s reciprocal. The more we listen, the more we’re listened to.

Listening more means you’ll learn more. You’ll get out of your own head, and stop putting yourself at the centre of everything.

Be there for your friends. Learn about them. Hear them out.

It makes you a better human, and makes you a better friend.

#4. Don’t Take People For Granted

Imagine if you had no friends.

Nobody to laugh with. Nobody to go for a quick bite and a catch up. Nobody to sing you happy birthday.

It would suck. Life would suck.

And yet a frightening amount of people are in this situation.

That could be you. So if it’s not, be grateful for having friends. And tell them. Let them know you appreciate their friendship. Remind them of great times you’ve had together.

The ability to recognise and appreciate what you have is a huge part of finding contentment.

#5. Change the Way You Think About Time

A few years ago, the internet went a bit mad about phubbing, or snubbing your friends by being on your phone.

Since then, this has only gotten worse.

But why do we do this? Why sacrifice enjoying the moment we are in to scroll through Instagram or Tik Tok?

People think life is you racing from the past to the future. Like a linear journey. But it’s not. In fact, it’s better thought of as time passing through you. You are the stationary point, because you exist only in the present. And yet we waste it by allowing our minds to drift off.

Sometimes a bit of boredom is good for us. The Dutch even have a name for it: Niksen. Allow your mind to wander. Don’t feel like you need to whizz through every moment.

Same when you’re with your friends or family. Enjoy it for what it is. Don’t keep reaching for a way out. The minutes will fly by. And you don’t know how many you will get.

Stop and smell the flowers sometimes. Hear the birdsong. Feel the rhythm.

“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.” — Eckhart Tolle

TL;DR

It’s important to learn and develop throughout life, but not at the expense of developing strong relationships with the people around us.

To make sure we’re able to reconcile working on ourselves as well as watering the roots of the bonds with people around us:

Stop bailing and get better at keeping your commitments (or setting better boundaries with your availability)
Don’t resent being the person who reaches out first if you believe your friendship with the other person is worth it
Learn how to be a better listener
Practice gratitude. Don’t let yourself forget that no matter how bad things get, it would be worse if you didn’t have the life you have
Be present and enjoy things for the experience of what they are. Don’t dream your life away, and avoid living in the last

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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