Leo Searle Hawkins shows men how to be emotionally available to women without losing their masculinity.
Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.
~ Rumi
Why is it that in nearly every personal development group I’ve attended where some kind of emotional vulnerability is involved, and there have been many, women outnumber men by between three or five to one?
The only exceptions I’ve noticed are for the more mental disciplines such as NLP, and sexuality workshops (aka Western tantra). It seems many men can easily go for intellect and sex but somehow miss out on the emotional connection that brings real fulfilment.
It would seem that the majority of men, even those adventurous enough to explore the world of personal development, continue to hang out in an emotional safety zone.
But, to hitch a ride on Rumi’s thinking, how would it be if we were to step out of our comfort zone into that place we fear to tread? How would it be if we allowed our “reputation” in the world and amongst our buddies to fall ignominiously to the floor, as we disrobe from our mental clothes? How would it be if we became notorious for breaking the social rules that have held us emotional hostages for far too long? Just how would that be …?
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Before I outline a simple process for helping to achieve this, there’s something I want you to know about me. I’ve done some of the toughest physical work on the planet. I’ve bent my back labouring on building sites in mid-winter gales and the burning sun of summer. I’ve dug six-foot deep graves in the pouring rain with only a pick and shovel. And in ice and snow I’ve hauled fair-sized trees out of the forest with my bare hands. I’ve done the macho thing.
But all that pales into insignificance compared to the strength I’ve had to find within myself to make the emotional hero’s journey that befalls us men today.
The most challenging adventure for us men today is to learn to fully feel our emotions.
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Most people, in my observation, are terrified of looking inside themselves. This is true of both men and women but it’s the men who struggle most. Men generally would rather push away challenging emotions than look them in the eye, and walk into them in the way our ancestors faced down sabre-tooths.
I believe that that by far the most challenging adventure for us men today is to learn to fully feel our emotions. The challenge is to come out of our heads and begin to feel more deeply into our bodies. To learn to express our most intimate thoughts and emotions – to other men and to our womenfolk – is our hero’s journey.
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I believe we are living through the emotional equivalent of the Wild West. It’s a frontier where no one quite knows the rules, if indeed there are any rules to be found.
This frontier requires men with a warrior spirit. I don’t mean going into forests and beating our chests and whatever. Although if that kind of thing does it for you, go for it. No, I’m talking about the warrior spirit of the man who is willing to look deep inside himself, to inspect the darkest places in his mind where few dare to tread.
This is today’s wild frontier. It is not in the external world, not in space nor in the depths of the oceans, but is inside everyone one of us.
It is a challenge greater than that of climbing mountains or driving racecars or whatever your adventure of choice may be. It is a quiet, largely unseen stage that this hero’s journey is enacted upon.
Few of us will gain any applause or public acclaim for making this journey. The drama of derring-do is not this way. Most of our great battles will be fought and won without the world knowing. There will likely be no shouting headlines for these heroes.
Women will see us and respond to our courage and our ability to fully and deeply love them.
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But some will know of our inner successes and triumphs. Some of our more aware male friends will see the calm courage in our eyes and hear the newfound spirit in our voices. They will respect us, often without fully knowing why. It will be a feeling they have that in us a new breed of man is being born. They will feel our warrior spirit of emotional strength only rarely seen in the world until now, in those great figures of history who lived to the beat of their own drum of truth.
Women will know us. For millennia, our women have been aching for the birth of real men. Their hearts have been yearning for the arrival of men of emotional integrity and strength who can meet them. Who can see them. Yes, my fellow heroes, women will see us and respond to our courage and our ability to fully and deeply love them.
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The pain men feel in relationship with women can be devastating, even overwhelming. Because of the intensity of our feelings, and our need to keep on top of our responsibilities that we have in the world as men, we often suppress our emotions. This leads many women to think that men don’t feel at all. The truth is we do feel, and we do get emotionally hurt, at least as much as do women.
In the following steps I outline the essence of what it takes to be an emotional warrior, beyond all mental techniques, beyond all goal orientation, and beyond all structures and plans.
5 Simple Steps to Emotional Freedom
1. As best you can, allow the emotional pain to surface. Just allow it to come and welcome it into your awareness.
2. Notice whereabouts in your body you feel it most. Then, in your awareness be with the feeling as best you can. Simply keep it company without doing anything to it, or trying to get rid of it, change it, or fix it.
3. Allow any thoughts, including memories, judgments, and beliefs, to surface as well. Simply allow them to come, to stay, or go as they will. Know that you don’t have to do a single thing with them.
4. Then simply feel into the heart, the very center of the pain. Dive into it with full awareness as if you were diving into a swimming pool or the sea. As you sink into the depths of the ocean of suffering, feel through the pain to the gentle peace that is alive and waiting for you just the other side of the veil. And yes, it does take courage to face that which less noble men run away from.
5. When you have some feeling of peace, simply rest and savour it. Again, just do this as best you can. Even if you feel only a tiny bit of peace, savour and give thanks for this tiny bit. It will grow through the law that what you give attention to naturally increases.
Continue this practice whenever pain arises. It’s what I call “diving into the deep story of your emotionally intelligent body”. And it’s at the heart of my book, Break Out of Your Mind.
Each time you dive into the pain in this way the emotional energy charge will lessen. Sometimes only one session is required. Sometimes several will be needed, especially if the pain has been around for a considerable time and has become entrenched. But one day you will notice that what once seemed a huge emotional challenge is now such a small thing, or doesn’t exist at all.
You will awaken one day, free from your emotional pain and from your fear of pain. You will be the most fortunate of men, for you will be free to – to quote Steppenwolfs’ “Born to be Wild” – take the world in a love embrace …
You will have made a truly heroic journey.
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Please note: If you are experiencing any form of psychiatric illness, or are in therapy for any emotional disorder, or feel in any way unsure of the wisdom of using this process, please consult with a fully qualified medical professional first. Under no circumstances discontinue medical or therapeutic treatment unless under supervision of your doctor.
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Photo credit: iStock
I don’t see anything in this article that hasn’t been said a thousand times. It pretty much boils down to “get in touch with your feelings”, and not much else. There’s nothing heroic about that. Necessary? Yes. Healthy? Yes. Conducive to healthy relationships? Yes, but not heroic. When we start thinking we’ve done something remarkable by developing rudimentary emotional awareness, we fail to recognize that it’s a step toward our goals, not the completion of our “quest”. Is it any wonder, then, when women get frustrated with us, and complain that we’re not putting in the real work? Connecting with… Read more »
Have you actually taken yourself through the process I describe? Or have you dismissed it by intellectually analysing it and comparing it with other knowledge it truly bears little resemblance to?
PS You may like to read about my personal experience from which this process emerged. For me, it took the greatest courage to look at, and feel deeply into, the black pain that tormented my life prior to 1996. Please read Page One, Chapter One of my book Break Out of Your Mind, via Amazon’s “Look Inside” function: http://www.amazon.com/Break-enjoy-sublime-worlds-around/dp/0955455626/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388748495&sr=8-1&keywords=break+out+of+your+mind Then, having read my story please comment again and tell me how your see this as the accomplishment of an emotional 3-year old. You may also like to read how the same core principle has been responsible for my complete healing… Read more »
Please don’t do this, if you experienced severe psychological traumata (abuse, accidents where you were helpless deaththreatend, etc.) In those cases, the diving without therapeutical bystanders and help could actually retraumatizise you, leaving you behind even more broke than you were before.
Hi Barbar – I understand your concern and re-traumatisation certainly is a reality that can be experienced. However this is not the case with the process I describe. This material originated from my own transformation, which began with a powerful experience in 1996 in which I did exactly as I describe. Back then I did not have the words to describe, nor the clean, systematic approach I offer today. Back then I had nothing but raw experience to go on after struggling with depression, often suicidal, for most of my life. Click on this link to read my description of… Read more »
As well-intended as your post is, Leo, I’m not sure you’re really subverting the sexist status quo of male stoicism as much as you’re reinforcing it. Your quote of Rumi starts you off on the wrong foot. Frankly, it strikes me as terrible advice, taken literally: Forget safety? Destroy your reputation?? We’re pretty hard-wired to seek security and the esteem of others, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Unless they happen to be a part of the tiny few who are independently wealthy, most people will find life to be pretty tough sledding if they trash their reputation and are… Read more »
It is a good quote, that one by Rumi. In fact it could just as easily have been spoken by a Zen master, like Hakuin for example. It is fascinating how mystics from all corners of the earth come to such similar conclusions.
Admittedly, it seems to have not very much to do with the article’s subject, unless it were for the advice to take all things and all emotions as they come, without trying to control or restrain them.
Hi Theorema – Yes, take all things, all thoughts, all emotions as they come without trying to control or resist them or indulge them. Exactly! Then notice there is Awareness witnessing all that is experienced. this Awareness is peace and the more we give attention to the power of this peaceful Awareness, the more it transforms our thinking from the inside out. This is the way to true freedom.
Hi Ballgame – I think we need to approach Rumi’s word for what they are, a poem whose words point us to a subtle awareness that is beyond the ability of words to describe, and not to take them as some kind of literal instruction to trash our relationships with friends and family. In my view, Rumi is a master of this, as are the other Sufi poets such as Hafiz. There is truth in what you write about our social networks and their value in our lives. To live Rumi’s words fully requires though, not so much the trashing… Read more »
How does this article help the fact that if we do what you say: A) Women will instantly think less of us and find us less attractive as a mate. B) everyone will either say (or merely think) that we need to “man-up” and stop it. Despite your article’s title, this does not bode well towards feeling like a hero in any way. If we take your advice and use courage to keep on with this we will say how badly not being recognized as an emotional hero makes us feel. This will result in even more A) and B).… Read more »
Hi Joe – I suggest actually engaging with the process, and the much fuller description of the psychology that lies behind it in my book, Break Out of Your Mind, and then commenting again, from your experience: http://www.breakoutofyourmind.com The process cannot be understood intellectually but only through experience. Often, when people dismiss approaches like this without experiencing them it is an unconscious avoidance strategy, which t keeps emotional pain buried out of fear of looking at the truth of it. This is the case for the vast majority of people, men and women, in my experience of well over 20… Read more »
That picture is from City of Heroes. They shut the servers down to the game over a year ago. I miss that game. 🙁
I cried when I saw the City of Heroes screenshot.
Thank you for this article Leo,
Finding the eternal intelligence within the heart-song is something long forgotten, and finally re-emerging. It’s the way back to freedom from within, and many need it, and are calling for it. Thank you for sharing this deep wisdom. Keep up the good work!
Much love,
Benjamin
Hi Benjamin – Thank you for your kind words. Yes, the re-emergence of wisdom seems to be what is happening across the world. Ultimately it’s always mystery of course! 🙂
Leo,
This is beautiful and your first quote by Rumi has been in the pocket of my soul for a long time like a reminder stone.
Thank you for sharing this, my friend.
Thanks for your encouragement Jacob. Rumi is my favourite master and I never tire of reading his words. I hope we meet one day.
As much as I would like to be the “Ultimate Manly Man” and neglect the emotional aspect of my life, I need the balance more. “Simply rest and savour it”. How simple to do, but so over looked. Thanks for the little read and info Leo. OBTW…Leo, the picture of the Hero with angelic wings and yellow leopard skin boots…where does that screen dump come from? Might be an old MMOG game? COH? Just curious. Im sure it would have placed in a CC in Atlas Park! 😉