The thing with first dates is they’re the most tricky ones to deal with, and from there on (if there are subsequent dates), things do seem to get simpler.
Yet, they’re also the most important of dates as they’re probably the sole barometer for you to gauge if there is even a second date potential there, or if you should cut all ties and run for the hills.
But how do you go through your whole “ideal partner checklist” without freaking out your date and make them think that you’re jumping the gun and thinking too far ahead? Well, believe me, they’re running their own checklist in their head too — so you’re not the only one, but you’re both playing a game of poker. Make sure you do it so casually and subtlely that they won’t even know they’ve been evaluated!
Here are the signs you should look for and the characteristics each will help you gauge.
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Sign 1 — Did they show up on time?
Punctuality is often a very desirable trait in anyone you deal with, let alone a potential partner who’s going to get the lion’s share of your time.
When you go on that first date, decide on a venue and an exact time, and just to be courteous enough at your end — show up right on time or a couple of minutes early. It will not just give you a good chance at gauging their punctuality, but will also make you feel at ease in a setting that’s going to be the ambiance for a first date — which means a lot of butterflies in the stomach.
If you’ve acclimatized yourself ahead of time, you have one less thing to worry about vs. your partner.
What you’re really gauging — how (s)he values your time
Showing up on time isn’t just about punctuality, it also gives you a clue about how much the person values other people’s time. If you’re going to spend a significant amount of time with them in the future, you might as well know they value it!
It also shows how keen and eager they are about the date — if they’re already slopping off and don’t care to make the effort to show up on time, they probably aren’t as committed to making this work.
Sign 2 — Their appearance vs. your expectations
I’d assume, unless you fancy blind dates, that you’ve had a chance to chat or know each other a bit before going on this first date. So, whether via pictures or that chance meeting at a friend’s party, you have a good sense of what they look like.
However, what you’re looking for here is, the effort they’ve put in to be dressed for the occasion. They don’t have to be in a three-piece suit or a cocktail dress, but they should have put in the minimum effort to make it look like this matters to them. The basic shaved/groomed beard, or a neat look (make-up or no make-up), proper hair, a well-put-together fashion sense, or whatever it is that works for you.
What you’re really gauging — effort (s)he’s willing to put in
This one has got to do more with how much effort your date is willing to put in into the relationship. If they really value or want this to work, they’ll make some effort to show up looking the part, and trying to impress you.
Physical appearances don’t matter as much in the long run, but there’s always an element of basic physical attraction that’s needed to make a relationship really work in the long run. Not everyone has the perfect fashion sense, so what we’re really looking for here is a visible effort and thoughtfulness.
Sign 3 — How they treat others
Now this one to me is probably the most important. Whether you’re out for a movie or at a restaurant, try and plan your first date in a setting where there is at least a basic level of third-party interaction involved. Whether it is with the waiter at a restaurant, or the cashier at the popcorn counter, or something on those lines.
Pay careful attention to how their tone, demeanor, and way of interacting changes between how they speak to you, and how they speak to others. Notice the subtle signs — do they get impatient quickly, are they generally patient, are they consistent in the way they treat you and they treat others?
What you’re really gauging — empathy, respect, and kindness
The real test for most people is when they’re dealing with non-beneficial relationships. These are relationships where they have no skin in the game, or even more important relationships where people consider themselves “superior” in some form — whether older in age, higher in social stature, senior in a hierarchy, etc.
Is your date kind enough to the waiter if he fumbles with a dish, or makes an error in your order? Is (s)he considerate in the way they treat the cashier if they are handling too many people and can’t get you your popcorn on time? If someone bumps their shoulder while they’re going through a crowded queue, do they get angry, or are they polite and excuse them?
Do they call for the waiter by a kind “excuse me” or some random sound, or expression that is inappropriate? All of this will tell you more about the person than probably the whole of your date.
Sign 4 — Who makes the decisions?
Which movie will you watch? What will you order? Which shop will you go to? Will you prefer walking or taking a cab?
Does your date make all the decisions for you? Do they consider your view and then come to a collaborative decision? Do they just have no view at all and expect you to make all the decisions? What are the considerations they keep in mind when making a choice?
What you’re really gauging — degree of control, respect for opinion
We all are different in how much control we want in our relationships. Some of us want to be in total control, while others prefer for all decisions to be made for us.
So this one is quite subjective in how you judge your date. But, make sure you’re noticing every little bit. Even if you prefer to be the end of the spectrum that wants to have all decisions made for them, just make sure that your view is sought and taken into account at a minimum.
Once you’re in a long-term relationship, there’s of course an understanding about these things — but on a first date, don’t trust a person who is hell-bent on being in total control, without even considering the other person’s view.
Sign 5 — How do they value money?
This one can be gauged by everything starting from their tastes in clothing, tastes in terms of what are the activities you decided to indulge in. Do they take a cab every time, or they’re ok taking public transit too (depending on your setting), do they only order the expensive stuff, even if a cheaper option is just as good, or on the other spectrum are they always ordering the cheapest stuff?
Do they volunteer to pay the bill, don’t even offer to pay at all and expect you to pay, or propose going dutch?
What are their career ambitions and are they all about passion or all about money or a mix of passion and practicality? Have they given a thought to financial independence? Do they live by themselves independently on all accounts, or are still living with their parents?
What you’re really gauging — financial independence and maturity
Most relationships work fine until they’re hit with the question of finances if they haven’t been given fair consideration in a timely manner.
The initial phases of all relationships are mostly sunshine and rainbows but there are a series of practical considerations that slowly start showing up in due course. You may be at an age where you can’t expect each other to be fully financially secure, but early signs are the key. Is there respect for money? Is there a fair understanding and maturity on how financial matters are handled? Is it at least a priority to ensure that everything relating to money is carefully considered and under control? These signs will help you gauge how likely the person is to be a financially stable partner to consider a longer-term relationship with.
. . .
These are only a few signs, but all very key in helping you make a decision of whether you should text them or call them after that first date, or respond to their request for a second date, or if it is time to cut your losses.
So, next time you go on that first date, make sure you go in equipped to gauge all the signs, like a pro!
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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