Hey Guys—show up and listen, keep it simple, and about that man cave…here’s what women want you to know.
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I have always been one of those women with a lot of guy friends. I enjoy the male viewpoint and yes, men can be “easier” than women (more on this in a minute). I pride myself on my ability to be a good sounding board for all of my friends; this means that I have counseled relationships, break-ups, reconciliations, and divorce from both perspectives.
Listening to my guy friends talk about women especially, though, I am always amazed by some of the basic misconceptions they harbor about the “fairer sex.” Listening to my girlfriends talk about their relationships, I tend to hear the same complaints over and over.
So I thought I might be able to put together a general list with the intention of helping us all get along a little better:
Keep it simple!
There is a popular old joke that has been e-mailed to you and everyone else on the planet about 4 billion times which consists of two lists—“How to make a woman happy” and “How to make man happy.”
The woman’s list is first and it is exhaustive; romantic dinners, flowers, foot rubs, jewelry etc. etc. etc.
The man’s list? “Show up naked. Bring beer.”
This makes us laugh mainly because the man’s list feels so spot on (although I know more than a few high maintenance men), but the woman’s list is simply whimsy.
Let me clear things up for once and for all: if you want to make a woman happy, show up and listen. Seriously, if you make an effort to do just these two things consistently, you are going to have a good relationship. I mean, obviously flowers are nice too, but they can’t ever take the place of respectful attention.
Yes, the children are more “important” than you.
Whenever I see one of those “clickbait” articles with a title like “Why my husband comes before my children” it takes all of my self-control not to jump on and post the following comment: “Either you are a LIAR or a terrible parent.”
THE KIDS COME FIRST. The kids are the priority. This is not due to a lack of love, respect or admiration for a worthy partner. This is because a worthy partner should be a grown-ass man who can take care of himself and children are CHILDREN.
Every good parent, Mom or Dad, understands that the quality of attention these tiny and growing creatures require is intense and draining. And also: it’s what we signed up for! It’s swell that you want to keep the romance alive in your partnership, but if the two of you decided to bring little humans into the world, your main concern must always be providing for them, protecting them, guiding them and PRIORITIZING them.
If that doesn’t work for you? Don’t have kids.
Women like sex too! (unless you turn it into a chore)
Whenever I hear the old line about how it’s “easier” for women to be monogamous because they produce one egg to a man’s billion sperm—I’m sorry, damn, that is HILARIOUS! Here is what I know: people of BOTH sexes can have a low or high sex drive. It is pretty imperative that you find a partner who matches you in this way.
Once the need for frequency of sex is settled: EVERYBODY LIKES IT!!!
Especially at the beginning of a relationship, when everything is all SHAM-WOW! But yes, in long term relationships (particularly if you mutually decided to have a family), sex gets put on the back burner for many good reasons. Like exhaustion, for example. The biggest complaint I hear from women is that their partners seem to feel that they are OBLIGATED to have sex with them. Ooooh, who doesn’t LOVE a nice obligation?
Obligations are HOT!
NOT. We read about the importance of “maintenance sex,” but here is a newsflash: once you start treating your partner’s body like a piece of property, it’s hard to come back from that. Most nice women have submitted to a (whiny) request for sexual gratification at some point in their lives (and maybe a lot of them), but always out of guilt.
Women like consensual sex with an adult that they are attracted to; they do not like sex with a whiny/pouty/belligerent baby. This is critical information to understand.
The “man cave” should be unisex.
Way back in the 1990’s author John Gray popularized the notion that women need to process emotions through sharing and communication, while men need to retreat to a “cave.” While I do think it is healthy and normal for people to need space from each other even in a committed relationship, I have to say that
a) I have listened to every one of my guy friends “talk out” emotional processing and
b) all of my female friends would kill for a “cave” of their own. NO BOYS (kids, dogs, etc.) ALLOWED!
In fact, many of us have them; be it an artist’s studio, a crafting room, a home office or even just a yoga class. WE NEED OUR DOWNTIME TOO and would be MORE than happy to give you yours as long as you SHOW UP when needed and LISTEN to what we tell you, okay?
Sincere flattery works!
One last thing: “flattery will get you everywhere” is not just an expression. It is the honest truth, as long as your flattery is the honest truth. And while a well-placed “nice ass” can be charming, an “I notice all you do for me and our family and I appreciate it” is SOLID GOLD. We all enjoy recognition for our efforts; for example, most men I know seem to think remembering to put the toilet seat down is worthy of a ticker-tape parade!!! Just remember to be nice, okay?
I am not trying to speak for all women, but I think a really healthy ratio of them would agree with what I’ve said here. There is an old line about those burlesque signs that read: “GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS!” The joke says that this is repeated because men need to be told everything 3 times before it registers. So in case this is true, I will remind you for a third time to SHOW UP and LISTEN.
And put the toilet seat down; I mean, C’MON!
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Photo: Shutterstock
Love it – although you lot 😉 could always leave the toilet seat up; I mean, C’MON!
ALWAYS with the TOILET SEAT!!! xo
As a guy with auto-immune IBD (who therefore spends more time seated upon the porcelain throne than all other demographics except women with IBD) I’ve never understood why normal women would prefer for the seat to be left down, unless there’s a lid. Everything stays so much cleaner in the upright position, you know.
“Yes, the children are more “important” than you.”
Good stuff overall, but when men can turn to women and speak those same words above, rather then have the male question such, or that they they remain relegated to the female half of the relationship, we will be making great strides that go from the above to the importance of family as a defined unit of measure. At that point humanity will be progressing.
“Let me recommend it for once and for all: if you want to make a woman happy, show up and listen. Seriously, if you make an effort to do just these two things consistently, you are going to have a good relationship.” If you really think that’s most all there is to it, I’m going to presume that you have never seriously dated a woman? And, putting down the toilet seat is a no-brainer. How about yourself put down the lid once in a while? And whether you’re in there doing your business or getting out of there, close the… Read more »
YES! Close the door!
“Yes, the children are more “important” than you.” The family is the most important, you don’t prioritize someone over another all the time. You make sure you have lots of sex and romance with your partner, and you make sure to give the kids lots of attention. Fail to keep the romance alive is a great way to destroy a relationship which is far more harmful to the kids than giving them a bit less attention so you can keep those fires of passion alive. Too many women especially ignore their men and focus on the kids to the point… Read more »
Too many men and women focus too much on their careers at the expense of family and corporations have not been family friendly in America for the last 36 years.
I wish women would explain why they want the toilet seat down.
@ G
“I wish women would explain why they want the toilet seat down.”
What I’ve heard was a wet bottom doesn’t feel good, but guys need to sit on the seat every once in a while and I’ve never fallen in.
I agree re the families, the work/life balance is ridiculous.
I don’t think I could date a woman who cared about the toilet seat being up or down, only takes a second to move it.
@ Archy
“only takes a second to move it.”
That’s what I think the real reason is. They don’t feel they should have to. That’s called entitlement.
if you only want to date women that don’t care if the toilet seat being up or down you will end up single and alone ……. You tell us here that women should have lots of sex and romance with their partner and make sure you give the kids lots of attention. But to give a woman something that is very important for her emotional well being : put down the toilet seat,,NO you will not do that . Sigh, How much are you willing to give to get a woman to stay with you love you ,have children with… Read more »
“But to give a woman something that is very important for her emotional well being : put down the toilet seat,,NO you will not do that .” I do not want to date a woman who has placed such a massive value on whether the toilet seat is up or down, it’s a major red flag of a woman who would not be emotionally stable enough for me. If she has a disability, I would buy/make/invent a way to fully accomodate her needs. But if she’s as able-bodied as me and can’t handle the toilet seat being up or down,… Read more »