It’s perfectly natural for people to feel jealous.

When we sense a threat to something we hold dear or believe someone or something has surpassed us, we instinctively desire to be more.

But when it comes to relationships, jealousy on a large scale can become immeasurably toxic.

Not only can it severely damage the mental (and physical) wellbeing of the jealous party in question, it can begin to bleed into other areas of our lives, making them completely unsustainable.

You might have experienced this first hand…

Does your partner exhibit jealous tendencies?

Do they become anxious, protective, or even violent when they fear their place in the world is threatened?

Or are you the jealous one?

Either way, intense jealousy is normally a result of pre-relationship experiences of trauma that have left a painful psychological scar.

According to April Eldemire:

This makes working through jealous episodes a nightmare. But there are ways they can be managed.

. . .

Help your partner through their insecurities

In the same article as the one featured above, April Eldemire hit the nail on the head when it comes to dealing with insecurities in a relationship:

We all have things we’re insecure about. You may be worried your weight makes you look unattractive, or you may fear other people will judge you on what you’ve done in the past.

The list is literally never-ending. As long as people have the capacity to feel negative about themselves, there will always be room for insecurity and jealousy.

Openness and the ability to talk to one another are essential if you ever hope to work out the jealousy that’s plaguing your relationship.

If your partner is jealous outside parties are waiting in the wings to “swoop in” and snatch you from their life, this is a common fear.

But it’s usually unfounded. Especially if you’ve proven yourself to be faithful time and again.

Since this kind of jealousy is usually born through significant self-esteem issues, the best thing you can do is reassure your partner every day.

Compliment them on their appearance, their personality, their strengths. Do everything you can to make them feel worthy, without drawing attention to their issues.

In time, this regular confidence booster will hopefully dampen the feeling of jealousy they’re displaying.

It takes time and effort. But the results may be worth it for both of you.

Counseling/ Relationship counseling

As we’ve already discussed, talking is an ideal way to weed out any internal problems that may be causing the pair of you harm.

But talking can go beyond just the people we know.

If the situation calls for it and you feel the psychological problems are harsh enough, it could be time to call on the help of a professional.

Depending on your specific circumstances, you may wish to employ the help of a relationship counselor — who can help rectify issues within your relationship — or a more general psychotherapeutic counselor who will try to get to the root of the jealousy you or your partner is experiencing.

You may be skeptical of relationship counseling, or counseling in general, but many studies have shown they can drastically improve couples’ relationships.

For example, UK-based relationship counseling organization Relate has produced impressive results over the years:

Having said that, there are those who look upon relationship counseling in a much more dubious light.

The important thing is that the option is open to you should you need it, so why not give it a go?

Confront the source of their jealousy head-on

This method is a little risky but can pay off in a big way.

Nine times out of ten, the source of jealousy within a relationship can be boiled down to one or two external parties.

Someone you or your partner both know whom they’re extremely jealous of.

Jealousy of this type usually relates to appearance — in that your partner may feel another man or woman is more attractive than they are, making them an instant threat — but personality and other factors can play a part, too.

If a singular person whom you both know is causing a lot of strife between you, confronting the issue head-on could be a firmer way to deal with the problem, as opposed to finding alternative solutions.

Try to arrange a heart-to-heart between your partner and this person, so they can explain their feelings in a controlled and safe environment.

Hopefully, the external party will reassure your partner about any doubts or insecurities he or she may be having.

This works especially well if you’re all quite close, to begin with, or regularly see each other at the very least.

It can be awkward, but handling awkward situations by tiptoeing around them doesn’t usually work out well for anyone in the long term.

Prove them wrong

Let’s flip the switch for a second…

Your partner’s insecurities and jealousy might be as much of a product of their own self-esteem issues as your past infidelities.

If that is the case, and you’ve been unfaithful in the past, that’s one heck of a crack that needs to be repaired.

And while it may never be fully repaired again, there are ways you can stop the crack from causing even more damage or, even worse, bringing the entire house down with it.

Or perhaps you’ve never cheated in your life (I’m proud of you) and you simply feel the need to prove your faithfulness to calm your partner’s over-active jealousy-ridden mind.

Then that’s what you need to do: Remain faithful.

Be the best partner you can be, every day. Be the best version of the person they fell in love with.

Prove to them their fears are indeed unfounded. Eventually, their fears may begin to die down on their own.

While this won’t work for every couple, remaining faithful will strengthen every aspect of your life together.

Let them go (a last resort)

When jealousy can be eliminated, or at least softened, it can help what once seemed like a completely unliveable relationship turn into the best thing that ever happened to you.

But the numbers aren’t on your side. A lot of toxic traits within relationships, like jealousy, often go untreated and are left to fester and grow.

If you’ve tried everything else, including everything we’ve listed above and more, it could be time to consider cutting ties with the person who is causing you pain.

It’s never nice letting go of someone we love. But if we’re doing it for the sake of our own mental health and stability, it’s probably the right thing to do.

You can only offer to help someone so much. However, the simple fact is some people just don’t want to be helped.

If this is the case, don’t spend your life trying to fix something that has no desire to improve on its flaws in the first place.

Human connection is a gift and should never be taken for granted — but when that connection becomes toxic to the point of no return, it’s time to let it go.

. . .

To sum up:

• Jealousy can cause perfectly healthy relationships to turn utterly toxic.
• Try to help your jealous partner through their insecurities and reassure them.
• Consider employing the services of a counselor or relationship counselor.
• Confronting the source of the jealousy head-on can be a difficult but liberating experience.
• Prove your jealous partner wrong by being the best version of yourself you can be.
• If all else fails, it could be time to say goodbye. For both your sakes.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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