Relationships are tricky. But do you know what can be even trickier? Finding one in the first place.

Countless single men and women who yearn to have a significant other often don’t realize the traps they’re setting on their own path to a relationship.

For one reason or another, they always fall at the last (or even first) hurdle, and wind up in the same position they were in at the beginning… Alone.

That isn’t to say these people are inherently unlovable. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, the majority of people I know who struggle to enter into a loving and committed relationship are some of the finest humans you could ever hope to meet.

But if you’re unable to crack the relationship code and do away with the things that are holding you back — consciously or unconsciously — you could be setting yourself up for a lengthy stretch in Singlesville.

If you’re worried your own actions or mindset might be holding you back from finding and keeping true love, here are a few things you should look out for on your journey.

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Inaction

Action leads to Reaction. For something to happen, something must set it in motion. It’s a simple fact of life. Yet so many people expect to find a relationship while putting in minimal effort.

The stories of long-term couples meeting in some spontaneous ‘Meet Cute’ scenario do happen, but they’re rare. Your eyes won’t always meet across a crowded room, with Cupid taking care of the rest.

If you’re a single person, you need to put the effort in to actively seek out a suitable mate.

If you’re tired of waiting, don’t leave things in the hands of the universe. Do the things you know you can do to find or attract someone you’d like to share a relationship with.

Thankfully, the world is more interconnected now than it ever has been. Meaning there are countless avenues you can explore to find a partner.

• Ask your friends to set you up with one of their mutuals.
• Join an online dating site or app.
• Research into dating groups within a specific hobby or niche you enjoy.
• Make the effort to approach new people and places.

But if you do absolutely nothing, that’s probably what you’ll end up with. Nothing.

Inaction is the key to unhappiness and stagnation. Naturally, the opposite is true for happiness and making positive changes in your life.

So the next time you’re wondering why you haven’t found anyone to love yet, don’t just sit on your hands and cry about it. Actually take the time to try something new and put in the effort you know you need.

Sure, this sets you up for the possibility of rejection. But so do most things in life, when you think about it. Your reward might be the most sensational and welcome shock to the system your life has seen yet.

A lack of self-belief

This is a big one. Especially if you’re of the depressive and pessimistic sort, like me.

Those of us who crave a relationship may not ultimately find one, simply because we feel we don’t deserve it, or don’t want to burden another person with having to deal with us.

Why? Because we have an extreme lack of self-belief, self-esteem and/or confidence.

We see ourselves as the lowest of the low. The type of person physically incapable of finding love. Probably utterly unworthy of it, too.

But these gross feelings of inadequacy are usually brought about by one of two things:

• Others convincing us of this opinion. Or…
• Our own inner monologue screwing us over.

Lacking in self-belief is perfectly normal. But that doesn’t make it justified.

Remember: It’s impossible to look at ourselves from an external perspective. The truth is we have absolutely no idea how the outside world sees us. Meaning most negative feelings you have about yourself are completely unreliable and inaccurate.

Plus, self-belief and self-confidence are pretty attractive qualities to have in a partner.

Do away with any self-created negativity and start looking at yourself in a much more complementary and pleasing light.

This isn’t always easy, and it might even require some serious reading time or therapy. But to love yourself and to love another, in turn, is the most valuable thing you can accomplish in this life.

For your own sake, try your best.

An inability to commit

Let’s say you’re one of the lucky ones. You have a pretty active sex life and you’ve been blessed enough to have had several sexual partners in the past (congratulations).

But you’ve still not settled down and felt what it’s like to experience a long-term relationship.

A lot of people are afraid of commitment, or at least that’s how it seems on the surface.

But, in my experience, these types of people are less afraid of commitment and more of the consequences of commitment.

Time, a house, a family, perhaps a new job or relocation, a thousand other things.

When you think about it like that, the future is terrifying. So can you really blame someone for not wanting to commit if they’re thinking this way?

That isn’t to say they have no desire whatsoever to be in a committed relationship. It’s merely the gravity of what that entails that’s putting them off.

Then again, a lack of commitment isn’t exactly the biggest turn-on for a lot of people, either. Especially if you’re later in life than average.

If someone absolutely, unequivocally does not want to commit to a long-term relationship, that’s entirely their prerogative and they shouldn’t be demonized for such.

But when the time comes that they do finally wish to settle down, their past endeavors might not work in their favor.

Living in a fantasy

Reality. Who needs it, right?

Sure, the world sucks sometimes. Our lives suck sometimes. The things that happen in the world and our lives suck sometimes. So no wonder so many of us like to pull the drapes shut, crank the stereo up to eleven and escape for a little while.

We pretend we’re movie stars, rock gods, or whatever other uber-successful people we wish to be.

But this form of escapism can be dangerous if it begins costing us our relationships, or the chance at finally snagging one.

We can spend so much time living in this fantasy, avoiding all the things that cause us anxiety or stress, that we fail to grab hold of the things that should be important to us. Relationships included.

Why? Because finding a partner is stressful, of course. There are a lot of ifs, buts and maybes involved, and absolutely no certainty of finding success.

It’s this type of fear and anxiousness surrounding the subject that leads so many to avoid even trying for a relationship at all.

Staying in your fantasy for too long is unhealthy and will undoubtedly lead to you falling short in many aspects of your life.

A little escapism now and again is perfectly fine. We all need to get away from things sometimes.

Just be sure you don’t set up camp as a permanent resident.

A lack of appreciation

A lot of relationships end badly. It’s not a controversial thing to note.

And just how many times have you heard someone say something to the effect of:

Those of us who have been fortunate enough to have healthy, loving relationships can appreciate just how lucky we are.

But what happens when we begin taking our relationships for granted? When that appreciation slowly dissipates and all but flies out the window?

Time plays an important role in this — the longer we’re in a relationship, the easier it is to become careless with our thinking and our actions. We may gradually lose that sense of appreciation we previously had.

This feeling is essential to maintain if we want to uphold or build relationships with someone. To recognize the gravity of having found someone who wishes to be joined at the hip with us.

As frequent as relationships are, they’re a privilege, not a right. Some spend their entire lives without ever finding that special someone or at least one special someone.

If you’re lucky enough to be able to attract a partner, make sure you appreciate what you have while you have it. Getting complacent in a relationship, or before one has even had the chance to begin, is an easy way to sour the thought of a relationship in your own mind and the minds of your prospective partners.

. . .

To sum up:

• Inaction yields no results. Action always does, good or bad.
• Your own negative opinions of yourself are likely inaccurate. Believe you’re someone worth holding onto.
• Commitment is scary. But it’s essential if you want to move forward.
• Fantasies are great, just don’t allow them to poison your chances of a relationship in the real world.
• Appreciate how special relationships can be.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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