Having my cake and eating it too? Yes, please.
If that’s what comes to mind when you hear the term ethical non-monogamy, it’s probably not for you. In what seems to be an increasingly anything-and-everything-goes attitude toward relationships, ENM (ethical non-monogamy) is becoming a popular option being considered.
But is it really a healthy option when it comes to healthy and long-term relationships?
What Is ENM?
Before looking at the pros and cons of ENM, let’s be clear on what it actually is.
Since monogamy is the practice of committing yourself emotionally and sexually to one person, it seems pretty obvious that non-monogamy is the opposite. But non-monogamy can be either consensual or nonconsensual.
Nonconsensual non-monogamy is just a wordy way of saying cheating.
On the other hand, consensual non-monogamy or ethical non-monogamy is an approach to romantic relationships where partners agree that more than one romantic or sexual partner in the relationship is acceptable.
ENM refers to the well-known idea of an open marriage and practices like polyamory, swinging, and throuples.
In all these configurations, there are more than two partners, and all participants are aware of one another.
Sounds fun, right? Hmmm.. maybe, but there are some serious considerations before engaging in ENM.
6 Critical ENM Considerations
If the thought of complete impunity in romance and sex has you drooling and ready to go partner gathering, you’re in the wrong frame of mind.
ENM isn’t a license for promiscuity or nameless hook-ups. If this is a lifestyle that you’re interested in pursuing then you need to be clear on the complexities and considerations. In fact, ENM in any form is considerably more complicated than traditional monogamous relationships.
So, before you jump into something you’re unfamiliar with, consider the following 6 areas.
- Although this may be an oversimplification, the primary rule in monogamy is, to love your partner and not cheat.
In an ENM relationship, things aren’t that clear.
Before engaging in an ethical non-monogamous relationship, all partners must consent to the arrangement and agree on ground rules. This may mean determining the number of partners allowed, time allocated with each, acceptable levels of intimacy, which partners can be intimate with each other, etc.
Because there are multiple people, there will be multiple viewpoints and expectations. Without clearly defined rules of engagement, the possibility of misunderstandings and problems is exponential.
2. These go beyond ground rules and help to define things on a more granular level. Boundaries may refer to levels of emotional involvement, types of sexual encounters, and interactions with friend groups or family members.
3. More partners can lead to more pain. More people in a relationship means more love, right? Well, for some. For many others, more partners can mean more pain.
Consider this: Sam, Sally, and Syed are in a relationship (throuple). Sam wants to break up with Sally, but Syed doesn’t want to. How does this work?
Regardless of the answer, there’s heartbreak x2. This heartbreak doesn’t happen in a silo, either. Anyone who’s gone through a breakup or consoled a friend going through a break-up knows all the areas a broken heart affects.
Now, there are multiple broken hearts and layers of guilt, anger, and resentment and new areas for potential conflict that don’t exist in traditional relationships.
4. Most ENM relationships begin with a couple who wants to explore new options. This means there’s most often a primary partner that needs or expects to be prioritized, and there’s a commitment to do so.
This can become complicated, especially if a new person gets too close.
5. Managing conflict in a traditional relationship can be tough. But this conflict can become brutal and highly complicated when you add other people, personalities, emotions, and intimate situations.
As accepting as ENM sounds, the people involved are still human with emotions and reactions. Jealousy, suspicion, rejection, and unmet expectations can (will) become a factor.
In an ENM relationship, you have to be okay with not just having other partners but knowing your partner – someone you love – may also has other partners. That can be difficult to take for some people.
6. What about family? It’s easy to claim that your life is your own and your family needs to accept your choices. While that’s not untrue, it’s also typically not that simple.
Before jumping headlong into an ethically non-monogamous relationship, it’s essential to consider the real-life impact of your choices. What does it look like to introduce an additional partner to your family? How do you explain that mommy has a boyfriend and husband?
It’s important to note that these are not all the possible complications that can arise in an ENM relationship and that the considerations will look different depending on which ENM configuration you’re considering.
The rules, for instance, in an open marriage will be different from those in a polyamorous relationship.
The Biggest Consideration In An Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationship
There’s one additional consideration that’s a non-negotiable in an ENM – honesty. Not mostly honest or honesty that overlooks small details, but complete and total honesty between all parties.
Yes, this should be a rule in all relationships, but the nuances and grey areas of an ENM relationship lend themselves to creating significant problems if there isn’t complete transparency.
As mentioned, anyone in an ENM relationship is prone to all the usual human fallibilities. So, what happens if your feelings of love shift from one person to another? Or if one person is becoming emotionally needy or demanding more? What about when someone in the throuple wants to introduce a fourth?
There’s no way to navigate those waters if there’s any level of dishonesty or emotional withholding.
Although ENMs have become more prevalent, they’re not for everyone. In fact, they’re not for most. For those who think doing the work to make a relationship work is tough, understand that when it comes to long-term relationships, more hands don’t lighten the load. They just shift it and make it harder to row together in the same direction.
Relationships that stand the test of time and last for years tend to be most successful in a two’s company, three’s a crowd configuration.
https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/can-an-open-marriage-save-a-marriage
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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