What does self care after loss really mean? Judith Burdick walks us through the steps.
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Often when we lose someone we love, we hear from the so-called experts over and over, self care, as though there were some magic to the notion. But what does it really mean? For some, it might evoke images of spa services, like a massage with hot stones. But the kind of self care we really need focuses on caring for the inner self, the part that grieves and desperately needs expression and validation. What is most needed is emotional support . . . someone to bear witness to our pain.
How do I know this? Over twenty years ago, my husband Mark was killed in a scuba diving accident. We had settled in San Diego 2 years prior, after 8 years of zigzagging across the country for his medical training. In the blink of an eye, everything changed: One day he’s alive, and we’re getting comfortable in our new home with our 2 small children; the next he’s gone. I’m 31, widowed and living far from family and friends. I knew I had to figure things out, and fast. I had to function at least for the sake of my children, who were also suffering.
Initially, I was in shock. All I could do in the beginning was grieve privately. I did this through creating a structure and discipline of physical exercise.  I literally walked myself through the first several months of my loss. I found that walking in nature enabled me to take care of myself and grieve. All I knew was I needed to maintain a sense of normalcy and be the best possible me for my kids, which wasn’t always so easy. I still had to wake up and prepare lunches, struggle through morning rituals and carpool to school and other activities. Life was anything but normal.
After several months passed I was finally ready for therapy. I was willing to allow a trained therapist to walk with me through my darkest days. I learned we don’t have to do it alone; in fact, if I was going to thrive I had to accept help. So many unexpected feelings surfaced while I was grieving for my husband. A significant loss can re-stimulate earlier losses, so I was immersed in layers of pain, reaching all the way back to childhood. All I could do was process it to keep my head above water. It was daunting, but therapy saved my life.
After surviving the first few years, we moved back to Michigan to be closer to extended family and old friends. I started to see that there was life on the other side. It was then I met Jim, and 2Â years later we married. Things were beginning to feel somewhat normal, but still the pain of the loss was there, though in a slightly different way. The rough edges softened some, and the experience began to look different with time. That was when I decided to return to college to become a therapist specializing in grief and loss. I thought, who better to help others get through the death of a loved one than someone who had been through it herself?
I wanted to develop a grief support program for younger widows and widowers, something that just did not exist for me when I desperately needed it. Working toward these goals was how I began to make meaning out of my experience. I wanted to make sure that others would benefit from what I was forced to learn pretty much on my own, hopefully making it a little easier for them.
Here are 6Â important points to consider as you look toward transformation:
1. To prepare the ground for future transformation, it is often necessary to seek therapeutic support as part of a healthy self care regimen. We don’t have to tough it out alone. In fact, transformation is only possible when we first address our pain and our fears. This is something that cannot be denied or glossed over. It was essential in my own healing journey.
2. Physical exercise should be a non-negotiable part of everyone’s self care program. Through the discipline and structure of daily walking, I was able to channel the stress of my grief through the physical body where we all tend to hold our pain. This is how I stayed centered even before I could talk about it in therapy. Find what works for you.
3. Setting new goals and taking calculated risks, is how to begin to map out a course to a new life rich with purpose and personal meaning. This can even be a way to honor your loved one. It’s true that grief never really goes away, though we can feel enlivened through healthy risk taking and the often positive change that follows.
4. The way we become resilient is through embracing life’s challenges; it’s learning to bounce back in the midst of the chaos and pushing beyond our self-imposed fears and limits. Only this way can we truly become more than who we were before our loss.
5. Self-acceptance has been the greatest gift of all for me, and it can be for you as well.
6. Not everyone will take the path of transformation… it’s a choice and a responsibility — to be more than who you were before your loss, and to make a difference in the world by helping others. The alternative is merely survival.
My life has transformed in ways I never dreamed possible since my husband’s death. If someone had told me twenty-four years ago I would produce and direct a documentary film and write a companion guide, speak to large and small audiences around the country about transformation through loss and help as many people as I am today, I would never have believed it. But you are what you make of yourself, and this too is the gift of Transforming Loss.
Which will you choose?
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This article originally appeared Maria Shriver’s Blog. Reprinted with permission.
