6 Ways To Fight Gracefully With Your Partner

Fights are going to happen in a relationship. It’s just inevitable that you won’t see eye-to-eye on everything. However, there is a big difference in how you fight. One way of fighting will move you forward gracefully whereas fighting dirty will end up tearing you apart.

Do you fight dirty?

It’s okay to admit it. We’ve all had moments in life where we fight dirty. Here are some examples:

• You lump together past issues in one fight
• You play the blame game — It’s all your fault
• You poke directly at your partner’s weaknesses
• You showcase your temper dramatically
• You make threats in an attempt to manipulate
• You make it personal and attack their character

The danger when we fight dirty is that we do more harm than good.

My personal belief is that you are fighting for a reason. You are trying to communicate a need that you feel is unmet. Fighting dirty is not going to fulfill that need, I’m sorry to say. It’s time to look for a new way.

It’s important to focus on what really matters to you. Usually, dragging another person through the mud is not what will get you there.

How to fight gracefully

I used to hate fighting with my partner. It was stressful and it often led us nowhere. While I can’t say it’s enjoyable now, I can usually navigate our fights from a better headspace. It’s ended up making us stronger partners too.

Here are the 6 different strategies I’ve learned over the years that have helped me to fight more gracefully with my partner.

1. Communicate your feelings

No one can argue about what you feel. They are your feelings after all. By sharing what you are truly feeling, it makes it harder for the other person to try to pick that apart.

Tell your partner that you’re feeling upset or angry. It’s even better when you’re able to get in touch with the more vulnerable emotions like feeling scared or hurt.

Remember that you alone are responsible for your feelings. It’s common for us to want to blame our partner for causing our emotions (e.g. you made me angry), however ultimately your emotions come from within. Your partner’s actions or words are just the triggers.

Example: I felt hurt when you didn’t text me back this morning.

2. Recognize when you are feeling triggered

You feel your pulse rising. Your face feels hot. There’s a flood of emotions within you. If so, you’re probably feeling triggered.

We feel triggered when someone says or does something that hits a soft spot. It could be from a past experience or trauma. For example, one of my triggers is when my partner speaks in absolutes like “you never do this” or “you always do that”. When I hear words like that, I start to get really angry fast.

It’s important to start recognizing your triggers. It won’t happen overnight, but over time you’ll be able to spot them in the moment. And if you do end up feeling triggered, your best bet is to take some deep breaths and step away.

Example: I can’t think straight right now. We need to come back to this later.

3. Calmly express your needs and boundaries

It’s important to get clear on what you need and your boundaries. This is probably the reason for the fight in the first place.

Do you need a deeper level of communication? Do you need space or time? Do you need more support from your partner? Do you need validation or appreciation?

Share those needs and boundaries. It’s going to come across a lot more powerfully if you’re able to do it from a calm and grounded place rather than kicking and screaming.

Now please remember this part: You cannot control the other person, you can only control yourself. So even though you are communicating your needs, it does not guarantee that your partner will automatically meet them. However, it’s a step in the right direction towards it.

Example: It’s important to me to hear from you when I text you. Otherwise, I start to think up crazy scenarios and worry a lot.

4. Validate the other person’s emotions and needs too

This is the magical way to diffuse a fight.

There are two of you in the relationship. You have needs and your partner does too. Take a moment to validate what the other person is feeling or wants. It doesn’t mean that you automatically agree with them. It just means that you understand them and their perspective.

The other magical words to say to someone? “You’re right.” This is an extremely hard phrase to admit when we are in the throes of a fight. But please know that you are right too. Each one of you is right in your unique perspective.

Example: I understand that you get into the zone and sometimes forget. You’re right. I get that you can’t always text me right away.

5. Make suggestions to move you forward

This is a lot easier once you’ve had your opportunity to express yourself and you’ve heard your partner out too. Now you can start to make suggestions that will actually resolve the issue at hand.

Is there a way forward that could address both of your needs? That would be a beautiful end to your fight. More often than not though, there is no perfect easy answer. After all, you’re fighting about it for a reason.

Finding an answer that will work for both of you takes some back-and-forth. It means making suggestions and looking for common ground.

Example: I get that it’s important to you to have space and texting me right away isn’t always realistic. I hope you can see now how important it is to hear from you too. Can we agree that hearing from each other within a few hours is reasonable at least?

6. Know when to pause the fight

Fights generally go in one of two directions. Either the fight escalates or it de-escalates. Sometimes, however, you also get to a standstill when your fight starts to go in circles.

When you find yourself going in circles with your partner, you’re better off taking a step back and pausing the fight. It might not be easy to do if you’re both feeling triggered, however, the sooner you recognize the fight isn’t going to be resolved right away, the better.

Now, what if you’re ready to pause but your partner keeps wanting to fight? That’s the time to revisit #4: Validating the other person’s emotions. Step into listening mode and let your partner have their rant. Then you can bring up pausing the fight again once your partner is a little calmer.

Example: I don’t think we’re going to see eye-to-eye on this right now. Let’s talk about this tomorrow instead.

Fighting gracefully is hard. It’s not something we are going to get perfect every time. And yet, if you’re able to use even one of those strategies above, I promise your next difficult conversation with your partner will go at least a little better than usual.

Do let me know if you have any other strategies that work for you in the comments too.

With love,
Megan

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Previously Published on medium

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