The other day, I was chatting with my friend, Raph, and mid-conversation he brings up this question:
“Isn’t it strange that relationships rule our lives but we have no idea how they work?”
That got me thinking and I asked him to tell me more. You see, Raph has tons of experience when it comes to relationships. He’s polyamorous and had 15 romantic partners throughout his life.
He told me about how he felt incompetent, living through messy breakups, dealing with toxic girlfriends, and his problems with jealousy. It wasn’t until a few years back did he try polyamory and it changed his views on love forever.
This is the best love advice from a guy who’s been through it all.
***
Treat people like people and not sex objects
Raph once had a friend who asked him how he managed to get lots of girls, his friend was struggling with getting girls’ attention and it boiled down to him being insincere. His friend would try to act cocky and assertive whenever he spoke to a girl. He got confused when no girl wanted to talk to him.
Raph offered “world-shattering” advice to him: “Be yourself and talk to them like you would talk to anybody else.”
Ever since then, his friend finally found love and all he did was see women as people than some strange puzzle to unlock.
So, if you meet someone who interests you, don’t try to come up with elaborate schemes like the PUA community, just talk to them like regular people.
Shockingly enough, being yourself is enough to attract somebody.
Think, if someone talks to you, would you prefer if they talk to you like a person or like an object?
***
Observe how kindly or badly your partner treats others
We all heard that you can see who somebody really is based on how they treat people who work in customer service. Raph says it couldn’t be truer.
Once, he was on a date at a restaurant and there was a couple next to them. The man was acting very sweet to his date but he treated the waiters horribly. When the waiter couldn’t get something right the first time, he would say “the waiters aren’t paying attention at all,” to his girlfriend.
Raph’s girlfriend turned to him and went “See that? That guy is pretending to be nice to impress his date and that’s a huge red flag.”
If your own partner treats somebody like they’re inferior, whether it’s someone in customer service or even someone they know. Then it’s best to stay away from that person.
Once you get comfortable and close with a toxic person, they’ll end up doing the same thing to you. Don’t think you’re special enough to evade such behavior because you’re their partner.
***
Realize nobody’s a psychic who knows what you’re thinking
Here’s something crazy, ready for it?
Nobody can read your mind.
You can drop all the “obvious” hints you want but chances are, your hints won’t be noticed. Everybody’s different so just because you think something is the norm doesn’t mean others will think the same.
Raph’s partner, Jennifer, had trouble expressing her needs and as a result, they would get frustrated. The solution was was to simply communicate with him. For example, if he promised to empty the dishes but he didn’t, she would alert him it frustrated her so he knew what to do next time.
If you have a problem with your partner, simply tell them what the issue is through nonviolent communication, a term coined by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg.
This is a compassionate approach to how you can convey your needs to your partner.
How to do it:
- Observe your partner without accusing them of anything. Don’t say “You never empty the dishes.” go, “I noticed you didn’t empty the dishes.”
- Express your feelings through I statements. “I feel frustrated when you don’t empty the dishes — ”
- Notice the connection between your feelings and your needs. Express your need. “ — Because you promised me to do the dishes.”
- Give your partner a specific request on what they need to change next time. “ — I’d like it if you empty the dishes next time.”
***
Don’t neglect your friends for your bae
We totally understand that your bae is the center of your world but it doesn’t mean you should neglect your friends for them. This should be a given but you wouldn’t believe the number of people who burned down their friendships once they get a significant other.
Don’t be one of those people.
What happens in the rare chance you do break up, who are you going to fall back onto for emotional support?
Who can you vent to when relationship problems crop up?
A close friend of Raph’s entered an abusive relationship. His girlfriend isolated him from his friends by spreading lies about them. He blindly believed her and when she was emotionally abusive to him, he had nobody to turn to.
***
Hold tightly on your identity
Identity theft is not a joke — Dwight Schrute
If you feel like you need to change yourself drastically for them to love you, then it’s time to kick that to the curb. It’s impossible for anybody to be the perfect match for each other, we’re all different, and if your partner is different from you then that’s perfectly okay.
You don’t need to ensure you meet their every demand and need. Otherwise, you enter an unhealthy codependent relationship, this is where you rely on somebody for emotional validation. This creates a host of problems; low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, fear of expressing your needs, and neglecting your needs to meet somebody else’s standards.
The same friend mentioned above would be extremely scared of displeasing his girlfriend that he would sacrifice his interests to match hers. If he wanted to play games but she wanted to watch a movie, he would abandon games and watch the movie instead.
***
Prioritize yourself shamelessly
Many times in relationships, we forget to take some time to ourselves. Self-care is important to our well-being, Dr. Kristin Neff, extensively researched self-compassion, writing its benefits in her book. Research shows that “compassionate thinking was more effective than other emotion regulation strategies in reducing negative emotions after a recalled self-critical event.”
Don’t feel guilty if you take some time to yourself, you don’t need to include your partner in everything you do nor are you obligated to alert them of your every move. If you want to shut yourself in your room, then that’s perfectly fine and your partner needs to respect your needs and wants.
Don’t live for somebody else, let the other person be a major player in your life, not the centerpiece.
***
Don’t commit to things in the heat of the moment
During an emotional moment, we tend to say things we regret because we let our feelings overtake our judgment. Maybe we say something hurtful to our partner because of the heat of the moment.
Whatever it is, don’t let the moment control you. If things are getting too heated, breathe in, leave the conversation, take some time to yourself to think things over again then plan your next action.
“Don’t promise when you’re happy, Don’t reply when you’re angry, and don’t decide when you’re sad.”
— Ziad K. Abdelnour
***
Takeaway
Relationships don’t have to be tricky. You don’t need to have as many relationships as Raph for yours to succeed.
But you can definitely take his wisdom and apply it to your relationship:
- See people as people than pieces of meat
- Take note of how your loved one treats other people
- Always communicate if you have a problem, don’t think they know what you want
- Don’t throw away your friendships for your partner. You’ll regret it.
- Don’t be a clone of your partner. Keep a part of yourself intact.
- Take care of yourself when you need too
- Don’t say things you will regret because you got too caught up in the moment. Take some time away to reevaluate the situation.
Love comes easily for those who respect themselves and their partner.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: OmarMedinaFilms / Pixabay