Looking over his relationships, Steven Lake distills the elements that encourage lasting success. And it isn’t alcohol.
These secrets are not based on a book (yet) but are a distillation of my forty plus years of being in relationships – some short term, some long-term, some successful, and some not. Mostly, they are a compilation of my learning distilled from my current relationship which has lasted sixteen years.
Everyone who is in a relationship wants it to be successful – obviously. There are countless books, courses and movies about how to have a beautiful and everlasting relationship.
I am a practical guy and a romantic. Yes, a bit of a paradox in the relationship game. I am romantic in that I fall in love easily and believe every relationship I get into will last forever. Life has taught me the naivety of this belief.
On the practical side of things, I see what works in relationship and what doesn’t. So, without further delay, here are the 7 secrets I have discovered. They have worked for me and I hope they work for you.
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- Fall in love. Falling in love eliminates lots of questions, like, do I love her or him? When you are clear in your feelings there is an certainty in your intentions and actions. Your partner, or prospective partner, knows where you are coming from and can (hopefully) make an informed response.
Falling in love feels great . . . and scary for some people. It is definitely a vulnerable place especially if you are not sure whether the other person feels as you do.
Being in love opens your heart and provides experiences that are only possible from this state. Whether it is increased productivity, creativity, or a sense of wonder at the universe, being in love heightens the senses and makes for an enhanced experience of life and your lover.
But what if you are in a relationship and the love has gone. Re-discover it. Or create it. In arranged marriages love is a product of shared goals, intentions, hopes, respect, and a willingness to learn about the person you are sharing your life with.
Create the right conditions and love can flourish. This is not an impossible task as long as both participants are willing. I have seen this positive outcome with many of my clients.
But why wait for love to extinguish when you can . . .
- Maintain your love. Maintenance is key for love to continue because, after that first wave of intoxicating experience is moderated by time and the challenges of life, there can be slippage in your connection to that ephemeral feeling.
Fortunately, with a little bit of regular maintenance, love can be nurtured and mature like a fine wine growing richer and more robust with age.
Put simply, never take your partner for granted. Over time, it is easy to get caught up with work, children, and bills. It is easy to forget to take the time and do the actions and act the way that made the relationship work in the first place.
- Communicate. Communication is the conveying of ideas or evoking understanding. Communication between the sexes can be a challenge but anyone can learn these skills. I can’t over emphasize the importance of this skill set. The most common complaint I get in my therapy with couples is one person complaining that the other does not know how to communicate.
The difficulty of communicating with a loved one is not limited to opposite sex relationships. The other day I was on the phone listening to an argument between two gay men. They were doing all the wrong things males typically do; trying to make points, cutting off the other person in mid-speech, trying to dominate with facts and figures – all the standard problems I usually hear with different sex relationships.
A big part of communication is listening. The other day, a good friend of mine said “I hear you” three times to three different sentences I had started but never finished because he had “heard” me. Not really.
Deep listening takes focused attention. You are listening for surface content, context, feelings and the implied content. Hard to do if you are interrupting or taking over the conversation.
- Fight fairly. If you are in a relationship you are going to fight. That’s just the reality. Anyone who tells you they never fight is either lying or in a relationship that is headed for divorce. Fighting is healthy. How you fight will determine the success/happiness of your relationship.
What is fighting fairly?
- It is taking responsibility for your emotions.
- It is talking, not shutting up or walking away.
- It is sharing your thoughts and feelings.
- It is not trying to change your partner’s mind or finding a solution to their problem unless they have asked you directly for an answer.
- It is being respectful even when angry at them.
- It is speaking from your own frame of reference (using “I” statements).
- It is not telling the other person how they feel or should feel.
- It is not intimidating your partner with threatening gestures.
- It is not threatening to leave the relationship to get your way.
- It is letting them have their own reality.
- Be willing to be wrong. This is tough especially if you are competitive or brought up with a mindset that every point needs to be fought over to show how smart you are, how well read you are, how competent you are, or how important you are.
In my book on how to communicate with women there is a chapter titled Win the Argument, Lose the Relationship and the primary example is; if you want to win arguments, become a lawyer.
If you want to win at relationship you must open yourself to the possibility they you may indeed be wrong and it is not shameful to admit it and even, hold your breath, apologize if you have been an ignoramus in the process.
- Show your love in a way that your partner appreciates. It took me a while to figure this one out. I thought my partner would appreciate my gifts of love because they were exactly what I would appreciate. Wrong.
Typically, people express love in the way that they were shown love as children. Makes sense. I just didn’t know that everyone is brought up differently and may not have the same language of showing love. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman identifies five ways of showing and needing love. They are:
- Words of affirmation
- Physical touch
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Acts of service
Identifying what makes your partner feel love is like winning the lottery. Now you know what works for them, and all those times they seemed to ignore your love gestures make sense. Now you know what will be appreciated.
When I get my wife flowers (receiving gifts) or do some household chore (acts of service) she becomes incandescent and I bask in the glow of her appreciation and happiness.
- Have fun. If it’s not fun, why are you there? I have stayed in relationships for years that were tortuous on their good days. Maybe having fun in a relationship is a first world issue. Maybe, but having fun sure makes the relationship enjoyable. I appreciate my partner more when I engage in fun activities with her. Our bond strengthens when positive energy flows between us.
Having fun keeps the relationship alive, interesting and . . . fun. It increases all those happy hormones which strengthen the relationship. A frequent dose of fun keeps you happier and healthier and is a protective factor against depression.
Fun does not mean frivolous, which I think is some people’s fear, or shallow. No, you can be serious, erudite, philosophical, AND still have fun. Indeed, if you have those traits you may need to consciously include fun in your daily routine.
The ability to have fun in your relationship can be your saving grace as you encounter all the challenges that life will eventually throw at you. Fun comes in many forms, and whether you use humor, games, holidays, or dancing, whatever form you use, just make sure it includes your partner.
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That’s it. If you have a favorite thought, feeling, or behavior that has assisted you in maintaining your relationship, please share. Scroll down past all the ads, photos, and bio and you we see the comments section. Thanks.
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Photo: Flickr/Guillermo Salinas/Puri Amor
I have a variety of friends who do one of the following:
• either partner can call “Change!” in the middle of an argument, and they then have to take off all their clothes and put on all the other person’s clothes (as well as possible!)
• play Rock Paper Scissors to see who wins the argument
• he always says “You’re right!”
This is a great article bringing together some very important issues is a simple and comprehensive way. My relationship is not yet 2 years old but these are points my partner and I are working on. Thanks for writing so concisely.
Thanks Mary. Appreciate the comments.
My wife and I do a very similar thing. We interlock our fingers, put one leg back, and then push against each-other while making growling sounds. Feels great and is an incredible workout. We too often end up on the floor laughing.
This may sound silly, but my hubby and I play-fight. I pretend slap and punch and kick and he pretend-blocks everything I throw at him. I always end up laughing and he laughs, because I use the same series of moves every single time. It’s a funny way to pretend-fight, as long as it doesn’t get serious or out of control. The other day we were doing that and I was remarking how I bet more marriages would stay intact if people play-fought.