7 Subtle Signs They Are Not the One for You

Call me a romantic but I have always known there is a special sort of love for me. Since I was a teenage girl, I have been searching for that person, and on some rare occasions, I’ve come across one.

I don’t believe we only have one One, because I think many people in our lives can be soul connections. And they all come at the exact right time for you. You will know it because, from the moment you meet them, they will spark something deeper.

But what if you meet somebody that fits everything you are looking for, but yet something is missing?

Attachment style issues

After I met the most intense version of a soul connection (a twin flame), I realized I had major attachment issues. My ex had activated all my core traumas and catapulted me into a deep inner journey.

I got to meet my inner child, faced my daddy issues, and learned that I have an avoidant attachment style.

So once I was aware of those patterns in my previous relationships, I recognized my own behavior from the start when meeting new men. My avoidant attachment style made me fall for toxic guys because something deep inside of me thought that was safe.

After all, you never really have to commit to a toxic person — because yes… they are toxic. There will be a time you will have to get away from them — the perfect escape for an avoidant.

Of course, I was not aware of my own pattern when I did that. But after healing from my twin flame relationship, these patterns became very clear to me.

Meeting the right person

If you have been in a lot of dramatic relationships before, it’s an enormous blessing if you suddenly meet the right person. Right meaning they are mentally healthy, emotionally available, have worked on themselves, not already taken and you two are compatible.

You also feel attraction towards this person and you have a similar lifestyle. All the right ingredients for a good relationship.

Only one thing… there is this nagging feeling that something is missing.

This happened to me recently. I knew I was finally ready for a new relationship after more than two years of heartbreak and healing from my narcissistic twin flame. I recognized narcissists from the start and actively stayed clear of them.

So when I met this stable, attractive, compassionate, empathetic, mature guy with whom I could also have deep conversations — I wanted to do everything to make it work.

Lying to myself

We were incredibly compatible, lived similar lives, had the same hobbies, and practiced the same sports. Had both done inner work and were also attracted to each other.

We had intelligent and deep conversations, challenged each other, and had the same vision about the future. What could be wrong?

From the moment I met him, I knew something was missing. But I blamed it on myself — I thought I was just repeating my avoidant attachment patterns.

So I forced myself to make it work. I reminded myself that nobody is perfect and there will always be something missing. We just had to learn to love each other and then everything will be alright. I believed that the missing part would appear eventually.

But no.

Signs they are not the One

My intuition told me from the start that he was not the guy I was looking for. But I doubted my intuition since all it knew was avoidant patterns. I believed my intuition was lying to me, so I pushed through.

But now that I am aware that my intuition was right, I would have also recognized these signs:

1. You feel like you are in competition with them

I always sensed a form of competition with this particular person. He wasn’t doing anything specific but for some reason, I felt we were competing with each other.

When I cooked something nice, he would cook something better the next day. When I accelerated in a sports achievement, he would show off with a better trick.

Not only that, but I always wanted to prove myself to him.

There wasn’t a sense of teamwork between us at all.

2. You get anxious when they are gone

I tried so hard to make this relationship work that I got very anxious when he was pulling away. I felt he was not as much in it as I was, so every time he took some distance, I became very anxious.

Mind you, I am not an anxious person at all. I know about anxious attachment styles and that is not me. I am the opposite (avoidant), so it surprised me that he made me feel this way.

Now I know I got anxious because he was actually really pulling away. It was not just in my imagination — he was looking for a way out. Of course, that made me anxious; pushing somebody away would make anybody anxious.

3. There is no spiritual connection

This is a big one for me — I need a spiritual connection with my partner. If I don’t feel that connection from the start, I am almost sure it is going to fail.

But despite not feeling this connection with this particular guy, I forced myself to make it work. I thought that magnetic feeling might be an illusion and I was never going to find that again after my twin flame.

I even made myself believe that it was good to not have that connection — it would only cause me heartbreak. But the truth is, once you’ve had that in your life, there is no way you can be with somebody average again.

That connection is exactly what I have been looking for all this time. Somebody can be perfect in all other aspects, but without that connection, it won’t work for me.

4. You only stay together because of fear of rejection

If you have an attachment style other than secure, the underlying cause is almost always a fear of abandonment or rejection. I was so obsessed with not being rejected, that I forgot to check in with myself.

Was this guy really who I wanted to be with? Or did I just want him to choose me?

Turned out it was the latter — I was so afraid of him rejecting me that I ignored all my own feelings about him. I rationalized why we would make a great couple and did not want to be part of another failed relationship attempt.

5. You get defensive around them

I always had the feeling I had to defend myself against him. Especially after we took a break from each other, all my walls came up and there was no way I could let him in again.

Now, I am aware that this can be a pattern of an avoidant as well, especially when somebody is coming emotionally closer. But in this case, it happened after I had opened myself up to him and he was the one taking distance.

My walls were coming up to protect myself because my inner being knew that he was not as committed as I was. This made me defensive towards him when he came back into my space, even though he did not do anything wrong.

6. You overthink every little detail

Here’s the thing: a healthy love should feel healthy. If you find yourself overthinking everything they said or did, and analyzing every little detail — it’s a sign something is off.

Especially when you have worked on your inner child issues and recognize your own patterns, overthinking is not healthy for you.

Maybe you have to work on this part of yourself, or maybe you should accept that this relationship makes your mind run around the clock a million times a day.

A secure partner will ease your mind, not over-activate it.

7. Your intuition tells you so

Finally, your intuition will know the truth. It is very hard to distinguish fear from intuition, but in the end, you will have an inner knowing that they are not the One.

No matter what you try, you just can’t shake that feeling off.

It doesn’t matter how well-aligned somebody is with you, if your intuition keeps kicking in, trust it. I know how hard it is to walk away from somebody that is finally ticking many of your boxes, but only you know what is truly right for you.

Believe that little voice in your head — it’s trying to tell you something.

Believe you will find the One when the time is right

Many people will tell you that the One doesn’t exist — that love is something that needs to grow and is hard work. And while that is true, there are also many stories from successful couples that knew from the start they were going to marry that person.

It might not work for everyone like this, but if you have always known there is the One out there for you, it’s just a matter of the right timing. Don’t force yourself to look for them. Instead, use this time to keep working on getting to know your inner child and your patterns.

This way you can be totally ready when the One finally comes around. And maybe they are only the One because you are your own One as well.

Don’t just be with someone because you are afraid to be alone. Be with someone because you’ve mastered the skill of being alone.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***