How to start doing it again when she hasn’t ‘done it’ for you in way too long.
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We all know the stereotypical image of marriage.
A long-suffering husband desperate for sex and constantly denied by his over-tired, over-burdened, over-sized-by-child-birthing wife.
Yes, there are many marriages in which the wife starts rejecting her husband’s sexual advances.
And there are many we don’t hear about as often in which the husband rejects his wife. We don’t hear about these because men are embarrassed to admit they aren’t turned on by every passing breeze, and women are ashamed to admit that they can slink in wearing all the sexiest lingerie you ever saw, yet their man couldn’t seem to care less — and may even just get annoyed.
Yet a frequent starting point I hear from men considering divorce is the following: “My wife is a good woman. She just doesn’t turn me on anymore.”
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Before you jump on the judgy-train to become the new Mayor of Judgy McJudgersonville, yes, marriage should be based on much more than just sex, and the desire to have sex with your wife should be based on more than just physical appearance.
That said, sex is a vitally important component of marriage, and when men say “She just doesn’t turn me on anymore,” they aren’t necessarily saying they no longer find her attractive.
I recently wrote an article for women in response to an advice column in which “after living with her childhood sweetheart for several years, getting married, and giving birth to a now one-year-old son, ‘Mabel’ found herself in a quandary due to the fact that ‘his love-making no longer turns me on as it used to.'”
This need to feel excited by the thought of your life partner, however, is neither a male issue nor a female issue. It is a human issue.
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For the men, here are 7 things you can do to restart your own engines and bring her on-board for the — wait for it — ride:
1. Understand that a lack of sex in a marriage is a serious problem.
Marriages don’t simply end because one person is tired or the other one cheats. Desire fades for a reason — physiological or emotional — and affairs happen after a marriage has already begun to suffer when spouses fail to address their core issues head on. If you find yourself not feeling it for your wife anymore, or starting to feel it for someone else, take a good hard look in the mirror at what is really troubling you within your life and your relationship.
2. Stop trying to save her feelings by not speaking up about your own.
Most men see the possibility of hurting their wife or girlfriend’s feelings as the worst thing they could ever do. It is a valiant thought, but one that only backfires. The life-blood of marriage is trust. Making excuses as to why you don’t desire your wife will only confuse her and frustrate you both as she tries to effect change around issues that don’t really exist. Make it your regular practice share the true, mature intimacy of telling each other how you feel. No need to whine or complain. Just talk to her straight.
3. Dedicate some thought to figuring out your own sexual preferences.
Does it turn you on to imagine grabbing your wife by the throat (gently — kind of) and pushing her up again a wall? Would you prefer to be the one pinned? Or are you an old school romantic who yearns for soft music and dim lighting? Something else entirely? Learn your own sexual preferences so that you don’t try to force yourself into a role you think she wants just because some relationship expert told you it would work. Then apply this new information to step 5 below, telling your wife how you imagine her and asking her to share her own take in return. It has to work for both of you.
4. Allow her to tell you what she wants without feeling criticized.
The last thing anyone wants is to be sat down like a scolded child and told what they do wrong in the bedroom — let alone what they “should” be doing instead. At the same time, you won’t be able to make a change of any kind if you hear everything she tells you as an attack about what you do wrong rather than as a way to understand more about how she ticks. Does she want you to try painting pictures for her through texts? Or to whisper in her ear at an unexpected (maybe even inappropriate) time? Just the act of figuring out — together — what makes you each hot is likely to make you both hot.
5. Stop keeping secrets from each other.
I’m not necessarily a believer in the idea that omission is the same as lying, but I certainly believe that omission rarely makes anything better. These discussions have to happen. Your wife is your equal — your life partner. Her feelings, wants and needs are every bit as important as yours, and vice versa. If you want to be heard, you absolutely must let her know that she can trust you. The only way to prove that is through your actions. Hear her, consider her perspectives, be kind, and don’t judge.
6. Expect that marriage isn’t always a “wild bed of passion,” but it had better get freaky around once a week.
Unless the two of you have some alternate agreement, when you get married your spouse rightfully expects to be the only woman in bed with you for the rest of one of your lives, just as you expect the same fidelity from her. This being 2016 and all, that means that for a good 50-60 years ahead your only source of sexual satisfaction will be your wife or yourself. That is a long, long, long (I really cannot add enough “longs” to sufficiently emphasize this point) time to go without some wild passion ebbing and flowing along the way.
A recent study found that men and woman of every age who have sex less than once a week experience a significant decline in happiness. You can’t expect to maintain full throttle levels at all times, but as someone who works with divorcing couples everyday, I can guarantee that if you don’t bring some excitement to the surface on a regular basis, you will be headed to my office or one just like it one day in the not so distant future.
7. Recognize that a good marriage is worth fighting for, and a REALLY bad marriage is worth leaving.
If you neither love nor respect your spouse anymore, there is zero chance that either of you are being treated the way you deserve. There are few fates more hollow and numbing than a lifetime of chaste cohabitation with someone you probably wouldn’t choose as roommate, let alone spouse, if you had it to do over again.
Try and try again. Or realize when the time has come to stop.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
7. a REALLY bad marriage is worth leaving. If you neither love nor respect your spouse anymore, there is zero chance that either of you are being treated the way you deserve. There are few fates more hollow and numbing than a lifetime of chaste cohabitation with someone you probably wouldn’t choose as roommate, let alone spouse, if you had it to do over again. this is the most accurate thing I’ve read in a long long time, as one who has been in a ‘chaste cohabitation’ with my wife for at least 10 years, i can tel you its… Read more »
“over-tired, over-burdened, over-sized-by-child-birthing wife” <<< you pretty much said it all here, but yet not one word to husband pitching in and doing more of the work to take the burdens off and relive some of the tiredness. Also, number six states that sex less than once a week makes people less happy but new research states that sex more than once a week will NOT make couples more happy. And if couples are told to have more sex, it actually DECREASES happiness. It should be up to each couple to mutual figure out frequency.
Hi Dee, Regarding “over-tired, over-burdened and over-sized,” I didn’t comment on helping out because this article is directed towards couples in which the husband is the one who has not been wanting sex while the wife has. That said, #4 states that men should listen to what their wife wants without feeling criticized. If she is an honest communicator, then when he asks her what she wants and needs, she can include, “It is hard for me to feel hot and excited when I am feeling so tired at the end of a long day. Maybe it would help if… Read more »
“….I can guarantee that if you don’t bring some excitement to the surface on a regular basis, you will be headed to my office or one just like it one day in the not so distant future.” I can certainly attest to this fact…..This was the principal reason I divorced several years ago. Btw, I am reading two books right now 1) Marriage Confidential by Pamela Haag 2) Wanting Sex Again..How To Rediscover Your Desire and Heal A Sexless Marriage by Laurie J. Watson I am about half way through each one. The book by Laurie Watson talks about the… Read more »
Thanks for sharing those books, Jules. I haven’t read them and I will have to take a look.
It really is a shame to see this as a gendered problem. There are many variations on how it plays out, but the common denominator across the board is sexual shame. Couples get completely stuck because both the person rejecting and the person rejected feel too embarrassed to speak freely.
Without the freedom to communicate with each other about sex without judgment or criticism, none of the lingerie, chocolates, wine, candles and books in the world will help.
That is the truth without a woman in the bedroom that room is cold.l like your advice.
Thank you Alex. 🙂
Also – You should mention that there may be other mitigating factors that contribute to partners (married or otherwise) not having sex on a regular basis. IMHO the biggest are medical reasons—Heart conditions and cancer, chemo and radiation, vaginal dryness, mental and physical fatigue—just to name a few. Couples will still continue to be deeply in love with each other but their sex lives will change (must change) to accommodate their physical conditions.
If we must say the words vaginal dryness, let’s please not forget erectile dysfunction… But, other than that, Dru, while yes, there are medical issues that may be at play as well, I don’t know that these reasons could be considered the “biggest” ones. They certainly are not the issues I see in relation to couples to end up who end up divorced because a lack of sex has eroded the marriage. If a couple has a strong marriage and are truly “deeply in love” with each other, they support each other through the storms of cancer and other life… Read more »
Serious question. Let’s say one partner gains a lot of weight, and literally becomes ugly to the other….what then? I know we like to believe in the fairy-tale of love conquers all but sexual attraction with love still has a heavy physical element to it. Telling her may destroy her self-esteem, and usually heavily overweight people’s self-esteem is already on the fall.
Hi Archy, That is a serious question. Definitely not uncommon. I think this is a complicated and somewhat individualized issue in terms of approach. No one gains weight without being aware that it is happening and that it is going to affect how their partner views them, even if they feign ignorance. The cause of the weight gain is of particular significance. Did they need to go on medication that causes gain? Did they injure themselves and can no longer exercise? Are they depressed? Is the weight gain an unconscious way of trying to avoid sexual intimacy? So the first… Read more »
I guess I probably should have said simply turned off, repulsed to their physical looks, but conflicted with still loving them, hating yourself for not being attracted, and all the other drama it brings. I would hope that the bonds of love and attraction would have a protective measure in the mind to heavily increase the attractiveness of someones body to you regardless of the physical looks but I think in some people that may not happen enough.
Almost did not read it Arianna, as I expected yet another twelve step program on how to pander and placate, as we see in so many articles written by women in today’s “men’s” magazines. It is the male version of example number 4. Good stuff though, especially your declaring that it is not a man, but a human problem. Strips the blame, drops the defensiveness, and would allow men to see the message rather then summarily dismiss it as more of the usual. You’ve not only demonstrated how men can help themselves, but by example, how women can learn to… Read more »
I appreciate that DJ, and I am so glad you decided to read!
It is the shame around sexuality that shuts down those simple communication techniques. Men are shamed in one way and women in another and it only hurts us all.
And we all have at least a few things we can still learn, right?
Thanks for adding to the conversation!
You’re right. Why do we waste our time trying to communicate with men at all. From experience you can’t tell a man ANYTHING – particularly what you need from him. It doesn’t matter whether you give it to men in a 12 step process, a kind conversation or a screaming match, men just don’t get it. So frustrated with men who decry getting a little advice yet never act on it anyway and then have a sook that they are being criticised.
May your next article be about low female libido or at the very least how women have been shamed by their sexuality that contibute to all this.
Thanks Mark. That is definitely in the hopper!
Women don’t have a low libido. It’s just that they are bored. Have you ever seen low libido on a woman in a hot new relationship? Nope. But once she has to start picking up socks and jocks off the bathroom floor and all of a sudden gifts are appliances instead of sensual perfume, her mind and her libido start to wonder back to the ecstasy of a hot new affair. Being married made me dead inside. So I got a divorce and I’m having a string of short term Affairs and the sex of my life! Now I’m encouraging… Read more »