In a world of so much pressure and craziness, you might think we would be a bit more enlightened about healthy self care in our current age.
___
With more need than ever to truly look after ourselves, why then do a lot of men in particular suck at looking after themselves?
A story of poor self care
Andrew is a client of mine. He has a big heart and wants to do the right thing. He is in his early 40s, with a wife and two children and works in a senior role in a medium-size professional services company. He earns good money but is in work by 7 a.m. every day at the latest so that he can be home by 6 p.m. However, he rarely is.
Even when the children go to bed, he often does another two to three hours work. At weekends, he runs his kids around to their various activities and gets some family time. One thing that perplexes him is a lack of any time to himself.
Andrew recently started experiencing panic attacks, sleeps poorly, eats on the run and has low energy levels. He has noticed that his health is really starting to take a turn for the worse, as he is putting on weight and generally needs a few glasses of wine at night to relax. He has suffered through chronic pain in his shoulders for the last 2 years. He recently hired me because he wants to make changes before it gets any worse.
The exception or the rule?
You might think Andrew’s story is an unusual one. Nothing could be further from the truth. I hear stories like Andrews every day and the frequency of these stories is increasing dramatically.
It’s easy to stand back and think that he just needs to get a grip and implement some better habits. Yet, it’s not really as easy as that, is it? After all, we all know the long-term effects of stress and overworking, don’t we? Why then are so many men so terrible at self care?
Here are eight reasons why a lot of men just don’t seem to get it…
Goes against the masculine principle
The masculine energy is the active, make it happen, pushing energy. It is very much the energy of doing. Slowing down and stopping is very counterintuitive to the masculine… allegedly.
In truth, as a society we are addicted to the culture of busy-ness, and it is a low grade masculine attitude that we simply have to be on the go all the time. The Enlightened masculine knows that it is important to make yourself to a priority, hence Stephen Covey’s seventh habit “sharpening the saw”.
Macho rubbish
Unfortunately, we still have a society where there is a lot of machismo. Taking time out for self care is too ‘girly’, a sign of weakness or just plain self-indulgent. Even though the corporate world is starting to take notice of mindfulness and stress reduction, sometimes this is little more than lip service. To a large degree, as men, we are expected to “suck it up and take it on the chin”.
Competition
We still live in a highly competitive world, and there is increasing pressure to have to perform more or get left behind. David Deida suggests that every man has to focus on their purpose, and this is most often expressed through work. In the world where we are having to do more work with less resources and there is more pressure to perform and impress, self care simply seems a luxury.
Identity
If David Deida is correct then a big part of the man’s identity is wrapped up with the work that they do, perhaps even more so than their family life and relationships. Therefore anything that doesn’t fit within their identity is likely to get overlooked, including self care. This raises the question of do we actually know what good self care is?
Not raised to take care of ourselves
The fathers of my generation were never raised to particularly look after themselves nor were there particularly accessible healthy ways to deal with stress and conflict. Even though there are far more accessible methods such as complimentary therapies, massage and meditation, we simply weren’t raised with role models who placed high value on self-care.
Working too many hours
Work-life balance is a myth and just the idea of trying to find it is stressful (think spinning plates!). People are having to travel further and longer just to get to the workplace and then doing longer and longer hours.
According to the Office of National Statistics in the UK, the average Brit worked 43 hours a week in 2011, with lower skilled jobs working more than 50 hours a week (simply to earn enough to live on). In Japan the word “Karōshi” was coined to refer to a phenomenon of “death by overwork” due to the extreme stress from working 60 hours or more a week.
With this kind of work ethic, there simply isn’t time for self-care.
Money
For many men there is simply a huge pressure to have to provide for the family which means either working very long hours to (a) make up for a low hourly wage; or (b) to simply keep up with the work that needs to be done in order to be seen as performing at a time when job security seems tenuous.
Even though there is far more gender equality than ever before, many men are still conditioned to provide for their family above all else. This of course can be a good thing, but taken to the extreme it can be very unhealthy.
Life is just way too complex
Every aspect of modern life is more complex and there are more things competing for our attention all the time. Our ability to just switch off is compromised by our nervous system being constantly stimulated by technology. There is always more to do and never enough time to do it, let alone good self care.
It’s not just men
Of course, this is not a problem limited to men. Many women find themselves under the same pressure, whether through work or raising a family. It is simply huge problem for all of us that we need to solve individually and collectively if we are to stand a chance of living happier and healthier lives.
Previously published at KrishSurroy.com
___
Get the Best of The Good Men Project sent straight to your inbox. Sign up for the Daily Email here.
Photo credit Flickr/TruthOut
Your article points out good reasons for lack of self care in men but offers no thoughts on how to break the cycle aside from discussion. I consider myself very good at self care. The turn in my life happened when I became a care giver-an at home dad to an infant and toddler. The day to day work of caring for children boosted my sense of empathy that helped me overcome my reluctance to learning skills and mindset of a care giver. One first baby was born with a congenital heart defect that required monitoring and mindfulness. My care… Read more »
Thanks for your comment Spencer and your inspirational story. Just in terms of how to break the cycle, there is a follow article coming in the next day or two called “7 better self care tips for guys” that is written to give some practical suggestions, particularly to working dads. In terms of your story, what strikes me is the link you made that many men don’t i.e. that looking after yourself is totally necessary when others are depending on you. It is very much about mindfulness and self-awareness and, as you demonstrate, you have to be very present when… Read more »