8 Sentences That Finally Helped Me Move on From My Worst Breakup

Rejection sucks, especially when it comes unexpected.

My worst break-up was from my shortest relationship. Four and half months. Fireworks each time we met up. One to two dates a week. Almost-consistent communication in between.

He presented himself as the perfect candidate for a serious relationship: kind, honest, and open communication, exclusivity since day one, planning the next date in advance, introducing me to his friends… everything was going so well.

(Well, not that well. Something deeply buried in me was always feeling on edge. Unsettled. My anxiety was rising through the roof and I didn’t know why. I never knew where I stood with this guy who seemed perfect on paper, doing the right things from day one. Somehow I knew he wasn’t emotionally available.)

When he started pulling away, around the third month, I thought it was my fault.

I must have focused too much of my attention on him. I must have given him too much too soon.

Maybe I did. Or maybe anyone would have, after months of consistently meeting someone you had a connection with. I had my own life filled with friends and other hobbies. I had many trips planned with other people. Yet it still felt too much of me in his face.

You start feeling on edge when things have been going well, but not progressing anywhere. No real conversations about the future were being had.

I thought I was going crazy. I started doubting everything I said and did. I wondered if I was rushing things too much. If what I didn’t see in his eyes was what it exactly was (a lack of real emotional connection and attachment).

My heart sank when he told me he feared we wouldn’t want the same things further down the line. That I was an amazing person that he liked a lot. But he didn’t want to string me along.

It hurt not because of the rejection itself.

It hurt especially because he was being a kind and honest person. It hurt because he showed empathy towards me. He didn’t mean to hurt me, even if the reality of things ending was painful.

…

We hurt the most when the person rejecting us is also hurting.

He cried when we decided to part ways. We thanked each other for the great time together and wished each other happiness and love.

This was the most dangerous part.

Because they showed you their pain, you think they still have feelings. You think this is all a mistake. You plant false hope in your head and wish they were around the corner waiting for you.

I struggled to move on. Every corner I turned, something reminded me of his good qualities. The most random moments from our dates floated up into my mind when cycling home. The casual comments he made about some bread. I couldn’t listen to music anymore (he was in the music industry). Because we shared so much about it, it’s almost like he stole my passion for music from me.

I had never deleted all the photos/chat history of my exes before. But I had to this time. And it still didn’t work.

I called in sick so many times at work during the last 2 months, I can’t remember.

Waves of sadness would come overwhelming my chest, my arms, my head, at least once a day. Whenever I got hungry I would miss him a little more, even on the good days.

There was always this micro-second of time each morning when I woke up before I realized where I was and what time of the year it was, that I could feel something resembling peace. Before the wave of grief kicked in and pulled me back into reality.

I did want to heal. I did want to move on. Journaling. Meditating. Manifesting. Gymming. Running. Traveling. I tried it all.

Yet at my weakest, I still kept hurting, because of that tiny bit of hope.

…

What worked for me to heal was to understand that there was nothing left to negotiate with myself.

Matthew Hussey is great at communicating this message in his videos.

“If only I did this, then…”

No.

If it was meant to be, it would be. Without you ruminating about it 10 times a day.

These are the sentences that most helped me from his videos.

1. Attention is not intention: attention is simply energy someone is giving you in the moment.

2. Intention signifies a genuine desire to see where things might go. Don’t let the attention you’re getting showered with now distract you from their intentions (or lack thereof)

All that hope of a happy ending together? Also no.

If they had so much potential but they’re not with you, it was all in your head.

“But we could have had this and that”.

If you were meant to have that, you would have that. You wouldn’t be crying for your heartbreak right now.

3. The fact that you are not with this person right now means that they are not your person.

To stop ruminating, remember

4. It doesn’t matter the reason why they cannot give us a relationship.

5. We only need to think about it from our point of view:

the only thing that matters is that they cannot give us a healthy, safe relationship where our needs are met.

Our trying to figure out why they can’t be with us. If there’s anything wrong with them. If they’re emotionally unavailable. If they had past traumas. If they’re an avoidant.

Been there, done that. Didn’t help at all.

We will never figure out what goes on in someone else’s head. Sometimes we can’t even know what goes on in ours.

Stop wasting time and energy trying to understand them.

Instead, try to understand why you are so hung up on this particular person.

What makes you think that you can’t find another person that’s better for you? Someone who can love you in the way that you deserve? What makes you put up with a less-than-ideal relationship?

Why can’t you give yourself enough love to say stop to all this pain?

For me, it’s my abandonment trauma from childhood. It affected me differently in the past — when I was an emotionally unavailable person. I was convinced I was unlovable so I’d be the one putting walls up and pushing away anyone that tried to love me.

Now the table has turned.

It took me 6 years and 3 failed relationships to become emotionally available again. Then I’m the one being rejected by other emotionally unavailable people.

Karma.

Yet if I don’t heal from that original trauma, I still won’t be able to love myself fully. And that’s why I got triggered so much by this guy’s avoidant behavior and started abandoning myself.

Then again, dating is all about finding the right person.

It’s not about sticking around with anyone until something works.

If your needs are not being met by what this person can give you, it’s the wrong person.

6. Even if the people make you feel seen, amazing about yourself, even if they could give you laughter and fun and good sex etc… if they are not willing to stick around and work on the relationship with you, it’s the wrong person.

7. The faster you say no to the wrong people, the quicker you will meet the right person for you.

8. Time is not running out. Time will run out 100% faster if you choose to settle with the wrong person and waste years of your life trying to prove your worth to them.

Love, Jessica

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash