So, what is it about some people who just know how to be a part of a healthy relationship? For whom, relationships seem to be just so easy? It’s simple, really: these people have high emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence refers to one’s ability to recognize and manage both theirs and other people’s emotions and is a major factor in a relationship’s success.
Professor of Psychology Dr. Mayer confirms that, stating:
“Emotional intelligence, or “the capacity to reason about emotions and emotional information, and of emotions to enhance thought,” is very important for understanding our own and others’ emotions so that we can improve interpersonal relationships.”
Below, I analyze the eight things emotionally intelligent people don’t do in their relationships that makes them so successful in them.
1. They Don’t Compare Their Partner With Other People
Emotionally intelligent people never compare their partner to their previous partners or to any other person they might know. Even if they’ve been in relationships before, been in love before, they respect the person right in front of them enough not to make them feel bad about themselves.
More often than not, perfectly fine partnerships might end because of one’s fantasies about other people’s wonderful partners, comparisons with their past relationships, or imaginations about someone who would be more perfect than the perfectly fine person they are currently with.
If you want to be seen as an emotionally intelligent person, you shouldn’t compare your girlfriend to your ex or to some hot model you saw on Instagram or your boyfriend to the jacked guy at the gym.
No one likes to feel like they’re in competition with someone else, and especially in a competition that their partner initiated.
2. They Don’t Behave Insensitively to Their Partner
Emotionally intelligent people are aware of other people’s emotions and feelings. Because of this awareness, they make sure they behave sensitively to how their partner is feeling.
They know how to put themselves in their partner’s shoes, they show true concern about their partner’s emotions, feelings, and thoughts, and never act intentionally in a way that could hurt their partner’s feelings.
If you want to consider yourself an emotionally intelligent person in regards to your relationships, make sure you always think twice before you act or talk.
For example, when your partner is sad, anxious, or tired, don’t start complaining about the dirty dishes they left in the kitchen. Be there for them, console them. Don’t talk in a diminishing way about things you know they like, and don’t behave in a way that you know would irritate them.
3. They Don’t Create Drama in Their Relationship
I used to have a friend that would always create drama and tension in her relationship. When I asked her one day to justify her behavior, she told me that drama is what spices up a relationship, makes the people involved feel alive, and that without tension, a relationship is plain boring and doomed to fail.
Now, I don’t want to judge her character or her preferences, but I can say this: she definitely wasn’t emotionally intelligent. Because emotionally intelligent people simply don’t create drama in their relationships.
They are not involved in gossip and they don’t get caught up in conflicts with other people. They do not enjoy talking negatively about others, they don’t like tension and always do their best to resolve any problem that might arise in the most gentle and effective manner possible.
If you’re an emotionally intelligent person, you already know that people who are overly dramatic are emotionally draining for others, let alone for their own partners. Keep staying away from conflict and always try to solve any tension in your relationship as quickly and subtly as possible.
4. They Don’t Blame Their Partner for Their Problems
People who are emotionally intelligent don’t blame other people for their problems. They always own their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions and their lives.
We’ve all met a certain person at one point or another, who always seemed to blame their partner for their problems. You know, constantly saying phrases like:
“Well, I could have more money if my partner was better at managing our money”
“I would be happier if my partner didn’t do this or that”
“We would have a more meaningful/happy relationship if my partner was more *insert any personality trait*”
The truth is that not only we are solely responsible for our problems but we are also the only ones who can solve them. Your partner isn’t responsible for your happiness/wealth/health or for solving all of your problems.
Blaming them for everything that goes wrong in your life, only makes you look emotionally unintelligent.
5. They Don’t Avoid Discussing Difficult Topics With Their Partner
People who are unemotionally intelligent will usually avoid discussing a difficult or uncomfortable topic with their partner, due to fear of creating tension and ruining their relationship.
When a topic like that comes up, they will say something along the lines of “Hey, let’s talk about that later” and then try not to talk about it ever.
And although tension is definitely unhealthy for a relationship, bottling up your feelings and not discussing difficult yet extremely important things, can only make things weird between you and your partner and ultimately harm way more your relationship.
Emotionally intelligent people realize that and prefer to address a difficult topic and get it out of the way as soon as they can because they know that with time, certain situations can only get worse if left unaddressed.
6. They Don’t Suppress Their Emotions
Throughout my life, I’ve met a lot of, if I’m allowed to say, emotionally unintelligent, people who believed that showing emotion and expressing your feelings is a great weakness.
It’s safe to say that society has played a big part in that since most of those people were men and we all know that emotional suppression is normalized and even expected among males in many cultures.
Emotionally intelligent people, on the other hand, would never believe such a thing, because they know that feeling and displaying emotions is healthy and necessary for one’s well being.
While it’s true that there are times when it’s wise to take a step back from your emotions and process them when you feel safe to do so, long-term emotional suppression is unhealthy, distances you from your partner, and harms your relationship more that you could ever think of.
As an emotionally intelligent person, you should never suppress your emotions. When something is bothering you, or you feel sad or anxious about, share it with your partner, instead of leaving them wondering what is wrong with you.
If they did something that hurt you, let them know, so that they apologize, fix their mistake, and not do it again. A relationship can work and last in time only if both you and your partner share your feelings with each other.
7. They Don’t Try to Change Their Partners
When in a relationship, emotionally intelligent people accept their partner as they are and don’t try to influence their actions and change their personality.
The thing is, the ideal person doesn’t exist. Nobody is perfect; we all have our flaws and weaknesses. But when you choose someone to share your life with — no matter for how long — you need to accept both their good and bad side.
How would you feel if your partner constantly criticized you and urged you to change your personality?
Plus, the truth is that people can really change only if they want to change. You shouldn’t try to change someone to fit your expectations because they won’t change for long.
Take your partner for what they are, or move on to someone else.
8. They Never Hold a Grudge Against Their Partner
Let’s say that on the day of your birthday your partner has to stay up late for some urgent work they were unexpectedly given and no matter how much they would like to, they aren’t able to organize something special for you.
You get super angry over that and decide to hold them a grudge and not do anything special for the day of their birthday either.
Now, that, not only is super immature but it’s also an indication of your low emotional intelligence. Because people with high emotional intelligence never hold grudges against their partners and don’t base their actions and decisions on past occurrences.
People aren’t always available the way we want them and things don’t always work out the way we would have liked to.
There’s no need to punish your partner for their mistakes-it’s wiser to forgive them and move on.
9. They Don’t Expect Their Relationship to Be Perfect
Emotionally intelligent people realize that just as there is not a single person in this world who’s perfect, there can never be a perfect relationship. Thus, they don’t expect their relationship to be perfect but rather work continuously towards making it as good as it can be.
Most relationships fail because the people involved cannot accept that every relationship has its ups and downs and would rather move on than show patience and try to work things out with their partner.
There will be times when things between you and your partner will be insanely good, and there will be times when you’ll fight like there’s no tomorrow. What matters most, is to be patient and try to find a way to solve your relationship problems instead of complaining about your relationship not being perfect.
Remember: perfect doesn’t exist. All relationships go through hell. Real relationships get through it.
Final Thoughts
Ever since psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman introduced most of the world to the fascinating concept of emotional intelligence, more and more people have realized that not only is emotional intelligence one of the most important skills for being successful in life, but it is also vital for sustaining a happy, healthy relationship with another person.
Of course, it’s one thing to read about the habits of emotionally intelligent people and another to actually become one. But, the truth is that each and every one of you can improve their emotional intelligence, with time, patience, and some genuine effort.
Once you start building your emotional intelligence, you’ll quickly realize that after all, it’s more than possible to create a happy, meaningful, and long-lasting relationship with another person.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Iga Palacz on Unsplash