8 Warning Signs Your Friend Is a Sexual Predator

Let me tell you a story about how my former friend Ronnie* got banned from the underground rave scene. I tripped balls, got dosed on the wrong drug, and got sick. Due to a bad drug reaction, I couldn’t move and I had a total PTSD freakout while on acid.

Ronnie, who I had known for the better part of 13 years, decided to try making out with me while I was screaming for my dead friend to come save me. Oh, and Ronnie did this in front of my husband.

Thankfully, my husband was a hero here and also knew security. Ronnie got consequences and I got sober. My husband grabbed him and said, “I am her husband. What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Get out.”

Word got out and he was permanently banned from all parties thrown by that group. After word got out of what he did, other girls started to talk about their bad experiences with him. As it turns out, Ronnie was a serial rapist and sexual assault perp.

I obviously felt betrayed and horrified. I knew this kid back when he was in the projects and I was homeless. We used to panhandle together. Looking back, though, there were some warning signs that we all ignored.

Take it from someone who found out the hard way. Predators can sometimes disguise themselves as friends. If you notice these warning signs in someone you know, it’s time to address it and (most likey) cut them out for good.

You keep hearing them make inappropriate comments.

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So, I’ll preface this with the fact that some of us (myself included) have a filthy mouth and tend to talk about sex a lot. Why? Because in my case, it’s part of the job and I tend to talk about the dynamics of it.

You can have a filthy sense of humor and still be a decent person. It won’t raise red flags in most cases. Usually, this behavior turns into a red flag when you start hearing those comments directed at people within ear range.

On a similar note, most sexual predators will also say misogynistic things. Misogyny and sexual aggression go hand in hand, you know.

They keep trying to push peoples’ physical or sexual boundaries.

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One thing that I should have noticed is how often Ronnie used to remark on how “he’d love to hit that” when he talked about me. Or, how he’s keep touching girls’ hands when they asked him not to.

We always chalked it up to him being weird, but in reality, it was him trying to see how far he could push his victims in broad daylight. Predators do this as a way to normalize their abuse, especially in large groups of people.

When someone would tell him to stop, he would…for a short time. Then he’d do it again. He’d do this to people he noticed were smaller than him, as a way to wear them down. It’s really despicable, and it’s really common.

Nowadays, this is one of those things that warrants enough reason for me to cut someone off without even explaining why. I mean, let’s be real. Neurotypical guys who do this know exactly what they’re doing.

They lean on a “woe is me” pitch.

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Look, we all have issues that we struggle with — some more than others. I have bad PTSD and had an upbringing that was absolute shit. And you know what? I was pretty shitty back in the day, but here’s the thing: I work to get better every day. I’m not looking to excuse shitty behavior.

Predators like to remove their accountability by talking about how horrible their past was, and how “you just wouldn’t understand.” In Ronnie’s case, it was about extreme poverty and an abusive ex who I now doubt was abusive. I’ve also seen people use their disabilities as an excuse for this purpose.

I’d also like to take this moment to point out that predators often trauma-dump to make themselves feel more vulnerable. They like to play on bleeding hearts to get their way, even when they know the other party isn’t game for it.

By playing on the sympathy cards, predators are able to manipulate people into keeping them around. Make no mistake about it. Mental illness and trauma don’t give you a carte blanche to be a shitbird.

Girls avoid them or seem nervous around them.

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Do a lot of your female friends ask if a certain guy friend is coming to a party? If you say yes, do a lot of those girls bail. Consider this your “dead canary in a mine” incident. Girls rarely ever call people out directly because they’re socialized not to.

If the ladies in your life are uncomfortable around a guy and refuse to meet up with him, listen to them. There is a reason why they don’t want to be around that individual, and it’s not something you want to stick around to find out why.

People treat them like a “missing stair.”

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The term “missing stair” is one that was coined to discuss people whose behavior is so outrageous, most people are totally horrified by them or put off by them. But, since you know them, you give them a pass because “that’s how they are.”

When people have a friend who’s a missing stair, they usually have to warn others because their behavior is so weird. Here’s a hint: if you have to warn others about how creepy your friend is, you probably shouldn’t be friends with that person.

It often feels like they are trying to make you indebted to them, or make people they’re attracted to indebted to them.

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Not all predators act creepy. Some actually seem to be overly giving, often hiding by the “innocent and pure-intentioned” vibe. This is usually done as a way of making sure that victims won’t be believed by others if they try to out them.

I had an ex like this. My mother loved him and wanted to see us married. When I had enough of his abuse, I broke up with him and everyone thought I was either crazy, making up lies, or the abuser. It was horrible.

If you notice that someone keeps trying to force presents on you or girls in your group, keep an eye on him. If girls were comfortable with him then all of a sudden seem very withdrawn after spending alone time with him, he’s probably a predator.

Rumors exist of them forcing themselves on others or ruining relationships.

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Having been the target of being lied about by an ex, I’ll be honest and say that this is not always a warning sign of a predator. It could be the work of a person who hates their guts. However, it should be a sign that you might want to keep a lookout for other alarming signs on this list.

When you are talking with your friends, gossip will come up. People often talk about the juicy stuff they hear about each other’s dating lives in passing. If you start hearing lots of stories from people who claim they were assaulted by your friend, it’s time to back away from that guy.

Finally, they seem to want to defend rapists or turn into a lawyer when it comes to accusations.

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I should have known there was something wrong with Ronnie when I heard him try to minimize the actions of someone who did something similar. We were at a bar, a guy grabbed a girl’s breasts, she slapped him.

Ronnie said, “I mean, she didn’t have to do that. She assaulted him back, what a crazy bitch. Maybe she deserved it.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. He then backpedaled the statement. I excused it as him being wasted because he put ketamine in his beer. I shouldn’t have excused it. I should have known right then and there.

Why do I say that? Simple. I’ve seen it before from other predators. I’ve confronted others on how they just became friends with me so they could fuck me. That’s predatory behavior and honestly, I find it to be very rapey even if it’s not rape.

The last guy who did that quickly turned into his own lawyer when I confronted him about what he did to me. While I didn’t say he raped me, I did point out how disgusting and manipulative it was.

He said, “Acktualllyyy…I’m just saying that you agreed to it. You laid down and took it because you’re into me and that is okay. We had sex, and now I’m pretty topped off and have no reason to talk to you. It was consensual. Deal with it.”

That, my friends, is the talk of a predator, a creep, and a user. And that’s the type of stuff you should never be okay befriending.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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