Will men ever be free to define their individual manhood? These seven guidelines may help you.
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Ten years ago, I had a habit of drinking too much too often. One night I remember quite vividly. It was late, and having imbibed—as was often the case I was flirting. Like all drunks before me I’m sure I had convinced myself I was as as flattering as Oscar Wilde in terms of wit and subtlety, but I’m also sure I was instead clumsy and crude.
When I’d been removed from my cups by the barmaid. She proceeded to lecture me.
With an intensity bordering on the violent she outlined what she was looking for in a man. Her almost religious fervor has stuck with me to this very day. Stunned, and wide-eyed, I listened as she testified her needs and wants.
“An ‘established’ man, handsome and with the body of a God,” she continued sternly, without for one second contemplating her own morbid obesity and minimum wage status. As a single man, separated, on the brink of divorce I have heard the phrase ‘established’ enough to recognize it is poorly disguised code for “rich.” Her insistence on the trait of “handsome” was in the eye of the beholder, and the phrase “body of a God” would have been amusing but for her absolute conviction to ask for this right presumably because she was female.
I had married a barmaid and such wealth as I sought and seek in a partner has less to do with money than a loving, kind and patient soul attached to a committed partnership and her own personal development.
Now, like many divorced men I have been trying to date with often disastrous consequences. I own my part and take no responsibility for the roles and responsibilities of these various female players.
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As I continue to investigate what it is to be a man in the 21st century, for myself and for my beloved son, I want to move past such ridiculous statements about the worth of man and towards higher ground. On that basis, I have given myself seven points toward which I aspire in thought word and deed. I will not claim I am at the top of the mountain yet, but I can assure you the pursuit of these objectives is not academic.
This list is far from exhaustive, and as I compile it in my mind, I am having enormous fun and so offer it to you also in the hope that it will help you to explore your own version of manhood.
1. Self-awareness. An awful lot of people may think they are incredibly aware of themselves, but my experience as a therapist and coach suggests the exact opposite. When listening to people’s stories it becomes apparent most have no idea what they say, the richness of the metaphor in which they live and are hostage to, and what their bodies are doing in any given moment.
My training has given me tools to notice minutiae in others for the purposes of transformative change work. To a certain extent in my battle with MS I have been using those tools myself, but my commitment is to dramatically improve the quality of my self-awareness. By this I mean, physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically—listening to my thoughts, noticing my feelings and meditating on the consequences and origins of each to the fullest degree possible.
2. Radical self-acceptance. Much trickier than one might suppose, it means acknowledging every random thought, however unpleasant or dark and also recognizing that we are the authors and producers of them.
This is often far from pretty given my history of trauma, abuse and self-inflicted harm, but my commitment to myself is to accept whatever comes up with the least amount of judgement possible, and ideally none at all.
3. Self-regulation. As somebody with a history of heavy drinking, which I can confirm was self-medicating trauma, I’m aware of the irony of this third piece—although I continue to aspire to be the best me I can be; I am proud and my perception of myself is consistent with self acceptance.
I barely drink, even socially now, and avoid clinical drugs wherever possible—having been turned into a medical zombie before…and never to be repeated. So am confident I will notice if any of my behavior is excessive or out of balance. Relationships are without a doubt where serious personal work is needed in this regard. You might also inquire this of yourself—where is your personal work needed?
4. Humility. Dissolution of ego is an ancient spiritual practice and a worthy one. It underlies every spiritual tradition of note and is known to create profound changes both in one’s self and in the world around us. I am working on it daily and am fortunate the universe seems to be pushing me in that direction naturally, organically and sometimes brutally.
5. Service. Steve Chandler, known in coaching circles as ‘The Coaches’ Coach”, and a valuable mentor, stresses the importance of service. When I was first starting out in the business of self-improvement, like many, I saw dollar signs. Having experienced the need for therapy and the need for coaching, I have been humbled on so many occasions I barely recognize myself. So in a very real sense my understanding of “service” has shifted.
I do some very well paid work, and I do a great deal of unpaid work in an unstructured way. What I mean by that is that for every formal relationship I have in hypnotherapy or coaching I am performing acts of service everyday often without remuneration and I feel blessed to do so—I will continue to carry on giving back, whatever the degree of my future success. This service orientation dovetails beautifully with humility and it is my commitment to develop both as fully as I can.
6. Healthy Self-Love. A question I teach my clients, which I have found to be very powerful and often a stimulus for evoking different ways of thinking— “ Is this behavior an example of healthy self love?” or, “Is this relationship indicative of healthy self-love?” Conversely, I rigorously applying a facsimile of that question to my own world and the results have not been pretty! I am no masochist, but I view this kind of introspection and the feedback stemming from it as invaluable.
7. Modeling excellence. Lastly, for the purposes of this article, I am reinvigorating my commitment to model excellence. In this respect, like many, I have often self-sabotaged. That has to stop— it is simply an awful way to treat oneself since perfection is not attainable in any context except pure love. I cannot see how sacrificing my self-worth on the bloodied altar of perfection has done me any good, and so it must stop.
Having said that, I remain absolutely committed to excellence. I am already abundantly qualified, and sufficiently confident in my expertise. Within the scope of my practice there are no challenges I feel unable to meet. But…it is going to take work to get past the curse of worshipping perfectionism. At what point will I give myself the gift of simply being enough?
I wonder as I contemplate this undertaking what that barmaid who had attempted to school me on her ideals of manhood is up to today? I hope she’s happy, fulfilled and found what she is looking for. As for me, I’m not the same man, and I choose to lovingly release myself from any comparison to her ideal man as I continue to build the temple of my own mind, body and spirit.
It is my hope these thoughts will help you on your quest as well.
Godspeed.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
I agreed with #4 and #6. Too many guys have an overinflated ego and have love themselves too much to the point that it turns off other people too much. Or they give love to other people that they forgot to love themselves or were never taught to that it was okay to love themselves.
Thank you!
Awesome.
Warms my black heart to see guys finally speaking up, not only holding themselves accountable, but the world around them for their part in such.
Glad I took the time to read it.