People who have a history of being ostracized tend to be hyperalert to social cues. However, they are also more likely to misinterpret them. As a result, I grew obsessive analyzing social nuance, such as what makes some people’s suffering “classier” than others, albeit the gravity of it is less severe.
For example, I’ve seen many instances in which someone suffering from common loneliness garner more sympathy than someone traumatized from a dysfunctional family.
There are psychological factors involved in making someone extend their sympathy that does not include the severity of the suffering itself. These factors range from whether the victim is physically attractive to how the victim expresses their anguish. There is an artful way of showing grief.
I’m personally not comfortable having to try hard to get people to be fond of us. I prefer to passively socialize, such as writing to people instead of talking and having relationships naturally arise in work environments.
In Radclyffe Hall’s The Well of Loneliness, Stephen Gordon — the main protagonist — struggles a lot trying to get people to like her. Her struggle is caused by people judging her from the onset.
She is a woman with a masculine appearance. So early in the novel, Stephen suffers significantly from having people ostracize her constantly. She grew apathetic to it.
When she became a successful novelist, people started seeking her out instead. This time, instead of other people rejecting her, she was the one who shut her door on them.
She realized in the book that work was the key to success in everything else — it was the only thing that protected her. If she produced good work, people gravitate towards her, and her enemies stay away from her.
Seeking social validation is a completely normal and human tendency. We evolved to seek social acceptance, or else the tribe could kick our uncooperative behaviors and let us starve alone.
So don’t feel guilty if you need social validation — everyone does.
Regardless of the fact’s universality, I would still recommend keeping this to yourself. Even though everyone experiences it, you must keep your desires private. When it comes to giving other people attention, less is more. If you aren’t known for seeking people out, this person will feel special once you do.
Moreover, if you are rejected from a group, don’t appear upset. Treat it like a mutual arrangement; they don’t want to be with you, but neither do you to them. Therefore, it will appear as if the power to decide is in your hands.
Other groups of people must get the impression that it is you who rejected the group. If they find out otherwise, the other groups will follow, thinking you are undesirable. But on the other hand, if they think you are the one who rejected the initial group, the other groups would be proud of having you.
Also, since wanting social validation is normal, we should divert our energy not in trying to eliminate the need for social validation, but to seek other people who can give us social validation. You can’t eliminate the need for social validation, but you can decide who you seek it from.
When you quit trying so hard, the right people will come to you.
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This post was previously published on Writers’ Blokke.
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 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
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