A Lesson in Dating, Intimacy, and Guilt

Have you ruined a good friendship?

In a pivotal moment, I conversed with her, expressing my desire for an open relationship.

Without reservation, the idea of a friend with benefits or an open relationship was exhilarating at the moment. Looking back, I view it as a splendid opportunity to understand both her and myself — a decision that proved both beneficial and selfish.

Delving into uncharted territories, we engaged in discussions that defied convention and conventional norms, and options. A path less traveled and where the boundaries are blurred.

Following a breakup, I hesitated to fully commit .We committed in a… different way.

A different relationship

Not all relationships are the same.

They are dynamic and unique, just like people. It changes over time.

Initially exciting and thereafter, work is involved to keep the excitement.

Lots of texts back and forth. A slew of topics to better get to know each other such as personal interests, goals, embarrassing stories, opinions on current events/pop culture, and so on.

My thoughts as time went on were the feeling of detachment, and then… no interest.

I don’t think it was from the idea of not being tied down.

People go through phases of highs and lows. Especially since I had been left with being single for a few months.

Then, I realized that I projected what I thought a relationship should be like. Misaligned views and no discussion over my thoughts or hers. The initial agreement was completely off and I went my own way.

…

Confronting mistakes

Aware of my wrongdoing, guilt lingered.

For eight long months, I believed a brief catch-up chat would suffice. I now realized that letting time pass without maintaining contact was a mistake that weighed heavily on my mind.

Me: I wanted to follow up on how you’ve been. I did recall you saying people don’t really talk to you after stuff, but didn’t really want to be placed in that category, but if you’d rather have that then nothing really stopping you.

Friend: Well I’d rather have someone talk to me because they want to not because of what happened. You get what I mean?

It was a mistake because you can’t just ignore a problem and hope it goes away over time. Nor can you pretend it’s not there.

It sort of lingers and a bunch of thinking can happen with no answers. Not receiving feedback leaves a blind spot and one misunderstood.

…

Reflections on this encounter

This experience made me reflect on several aspects:

Timing

The timing of our meeting and getting to know each other was good. We were attracted to each other enough to let intimacy go beyond what friends would typically have.

Ultimately, I felt awful about the entire situation. The excitement waned and distance eroded my infatuation and emotions. I hesitated to engage in frequent communication, knowing that others had left her swiftly before. Despite my initial intentions, I became one of those guys.

It had nothing to do with her personally. Rather, it was a reflection of my mindset and preferences during that period.

Amidst mixed feelings and thoughts, these were the least, yet most definite aspects I had.

Perspective

After a long conversation about having an open relationship, we both reached an agreement.

I found myself unable to offer her the level of trust she deserved. At the time, I failed to perceive that I inadvertently shattered a fundamental aspect of my ideal relationship framework. Though, I still think it is still childlike perspective that still needs adjustment.

My understanding was misaligned with the reality of the situation, and regrettably, I neglected to seek clarification or deeper understanding about this journey we embarked upon.

Leaving yourself to options gives you a way out but it left a sour aftertaste.

Curiosity of the unknown

I had never known anyone intimately outside of an ‘official’ relationship. It was a new thing for me and people are different. Engagement would therefore be different.

The interactions initially were all the same for the most part, not much difference other than being able to talk to other people.

Takeaway

Relationships evolve: Share thoughts to converse and understand one another.
Be self-aware: your personal perspective can lead to misalignment.
Reflect on mistakes: Gain wisdom from learning from your experiences.

Final thoughts

Our lives change constantly and so does your desires, wants, and needs.

I’m ultimately a hopeless romantic that probably isn’t fit for such a thing. I hear others’ stories, and they sound terrific. It’s a fleeting moment, though, just like the emotions — ultimately leading to the cycle of “new love” chasing.

If it weren’t for this experience, I think I would have never had that fleeting encounter of a short date, a fling, and reflecting on my lack in communication.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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