A Quote From Author Randy Paunch to Help You Resist Cheating

You’ve found yourself unable to stop staring at your beautiful new coworker. Your heart beats faster every time your partner’s best friend comes over. An ex-crush has found you online and suggests a drink to catch up on old times.

The bad news?

You really want to go.

Attraction to someone else is deadly when you’re in a long-term loving relationship. It’s a natural thing, but it’s dangerous. It’s especially dangerous when you’re forced to be near your crush, and there’s no way around it.

For instance, you can’t leave a high-paying job to distance yourself from a coworker you’re crushing on. You can’t tell your partner to stop bringing so and so around when they’re BFF’s.

So how do you deal? How do you decrease the attraction or eliminate it altogether?

Here are some things you can try.

Paunch’s one-two punch to crush temptation

Randy Pauch, author of the bestselling The Last Lecture states :

“Another way to be prepared is to think negatively. Yes, I’m a great optimist. but, when trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst case scenario. I call it ‘the eaten by wolves factor.’ If I do something, what’s the most terrible thing that could happen? Would I be eaten by wolves? One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist, is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don’t worry about, because I have a plan in place if they do.”

Part one: Focus on the ugly consequences of your actions.

Your impulses tell you to give in, follow your feelings or surrender to lust.

However, you need to understand that your obsession with this person is probably short-sighted or shallow. For example, your crush may be more attractive than your spouse or give you more attention. But what about ten years down the road?

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For example, consider the beginnings of your long-term relationship. There was likely a spark of attraction that brought you together. Your partner probably hung on your every word and showered you with compliments. Unfortunately, now that your relationship has lasted a while, the lust and the “feel goods” have decreased.

For this reason, you may begin to imagine a fairy tale life with your crush.

Sad fact ahead: Fairy tales are lies.

Cinderella eventually lashes out at the prince because she’s on her period. The prince eventually prefers poker with the boys to a romantic night at home.

When you’re together for a long time, love becomes less “make-believe” and more realistic. For instance, your partner’s need to impress you likely disappears because they know you love them unconditionally.

Insider cites therapist Dr. Bukky Kolawole who explains:

“Crushes are rooted in fantasy and tend to happen when you don’t know much about a person but idealize what they are like.”

Advice: Get rid of the fantasy and replace it with thoughts on what you might lose if you leave or cheat on your current partner.

Okay, let’s say your crush begins to notice you. Now imagine you actually cheat or think of ending your long-term relationship.

Ask yourself what the worst thing that can happen is?

Let’s say you leave your long-term relationship only to discover your crush is not the wonderful person they pretend to be.

As a result, your exit from your longer, more stable relationship costs you a partner who loves you for who you really are — a person who will listen to your worries, hold your head while you vomit, and remain loving when you lash out because of a bad day.

Also, remember this before you decide to “go for the gold” with your crush. Every long-term relationship will sometimes be boring, but this problem can usually be fixed with a few honest conversations and increased attempts at intimacy.

So is impulsively leaving your kind and loyal partner you know inside and out the best idea?

Maybe. Maybe not. However, it’s something you need to think about long and hard. Really long and hard.

“Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf.” — Jonatan Mårtensson

Part two: Plan ahead.

Author Toby Beta says:

“Choices enable temptation.”

So if you know your crush is just a crush and you’re still tempted to cheat, plan ahead.

For example, brainstorm a list of things you can do to keep the attraction from growing.

Plan to make an exit whenever possible.

If you don’t have to see your crush, avoid them. Don’t walk by their desk if they’re a coworker. Don’t go to the gym if you know they’ll be there. Stay as far away as you can if you’re at a gathering and they are present.

Prepare to derail dangerous conversations.

If you can’t avoid conversation, keep the talk with your crush shallow and superficial. For example, if your crush begins to talk about intimate matters, find a way to steer the conversation to a topic that’s more “blah.” Ask them if they like the weather you’ve been having recently or inquire about things like a pet or a job. Maybe even throw out a couple of compliments about your partner. No discussion of feelings or matters of the heart. Keep it clean. Stay away from vulnerable topics. Once again, if you can end the conversation quickly do so. Walk away.

Have a mantra prepared when you’re overwhelmed by temptation.

When you cannot resist the temptation to make contact, formulate a statement that will keep you grounded.

I love my partner more than anything.
Good looks don’t necessarily make good partners.
This is not love. This is temptation.
These fantasies are just fantasies.
I am stronger than my lust.
My actions now can have devastating consequences.

Formulate a statement that serves to bring you back to reality. Then, when you are in the presence of temptation, you’re reminded of the downsides of flirting or advancing the connection with your crush.

The bottom line:

Think of your high school crush. You did anything and everything to get their attention. The chase was exciting, and so were small victories when your attraction felt like a two-way street.

Now a question.

Are you with this high school crush?

Probably not.

You found your prince or princess much later. Maybe they’re a bit pudgier or less romantic than when you first met. Nevertheless, you know deep in your heart they’re your happily ever after.

Remember that. Please keep it in the forefront of your mind.

Because real princes and princesses don’t come along every day.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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