Iknew someone who was in a very unhealthy relationship. His girlfriend was a narcissist who began pressuring him for marriage, to “prove” himself and his love for her.
He knew he wasn’t ready but was afraid of what would happen if he didn’t eventually pop the question. He was also doubting whether or not she was the one for him, given how he was being treated in his relationship.
Still, he got a “real” job (she didn’t support his career as a musician) to save up for a ring. It made me sad to think of how many people are in his situation, struggling with their own truth.
Yet b So I wrote this for anyone having second thoughts. This might be the sign you’ve been looking for.
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A Ring Will Never Be the Solution
Many couples should’ve broken up a long time ago
This tends to apply to most couples headed for marriage. Ironically, this tends to be exactly when most couples turn to marriage as some sort of resolution for their problems.
It’s a major red flag when the emphasis is placed on an engagement ring, as opposed to healing. Proposing will not fix your problems.
A ring will not repair —
- communication issues
- intimacy issues
- intrusive outsiders
- broken trust
- cheating
- the fact that you don’t get along much of the time
Proposing will not erase the fact that you’re not ready. Doing so, while these issues exist, will always make the decision to propose feel like it’s happening too soon because it shouldn’t be happening at all.
Proposing isn’t going to magically improve your relationship, even if it does improve your partner’s mood — temporarily. It definitely won’t change the fact you’re already unhappy. Proposing at this point would be a band-aid.
Your connection needs healing — not a wedding.
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Marriage Fixes Nothing
Why would getting married work, if your efforts haven’t?
Why would that be the solution when actually putting in the work, wasn’t it? They know it’s not working and in some cases, they know it’s already over.
You both do.
Some of you knew it was over once marriage was thrown on the table. A wedding is not what’s missing. Legally binding yourself to someone who may be very toxic to you is a big mistake.
Legal papers are not the answer to —
- the relationship’s problems
- their insecurities
- or your doubts
If your efforts haven’t been working, why would getting married work? Why would that be the solution when actually putting in the work, wasn’t it?
They know it’s not working and in some cases, they know it’s already over. You both do. Some of you knew it was over once marriage was thrown on the table.
Photo by Rachael Crowe on Unsplash
What’s The Real Reason for the Rush?
What exactly is either one of you trying to prove?
Why is there such a dire need to make an already official relationship legally official? Which one of you is projecting, in order to force (and reinforce) this unrealistic concept of “forever”?
When it’s all love, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. So, you have to ask, if they actually believe you two can (and will) go the distance — why are they pushing so hard? What’s in it for them?
And what’s the catch, for you?
If they truly believed in the strength of your relationship, the pressure for a proposal would not be implied because the truth is it doesn’t take that much. Honestly, it wouldn’t even be needed or required.
After all, you don’t owe them your autonomy.
You do not owe your partner the charade of having a wedding or the expense of a ring. You don’t owe them the rest of your life. And you owe it to yourself not to live your life as a liar. Remember, someone else’s heart is involved.
And your truth still has to be lived.
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Maybe It Just Isn’t Working
It takes more effort to make a toxic relationship work
Marriage cannot place a “forever” band-aid on a temporary connection. The reality is it takes much more effort, time, and energy to make a toxic relationship work.
In fact, it takes more work when it’s not supposed to work. The control marriage imposes guarantees either one of you nothing. That false sense of security is all smoke and mirrors.
This is because —
- people change
- things happen
- and very often stuff just doesn’t work out
Proposing them will not save your relationship — or you. Especially from change. Just like marriage will not change them. Just because it’s what they want does not mean it’s what you need. Nor is it likely to be the healthiest choice for you either.
If your efforts haven’t been working, why would getting married work? If their efforts haven’t been enough then why would they be after you give them a ring? Why would that be the solution when the two of you actively putting the work in, wasn’t?
Often, one or both parties know the relationship isn’t working. In many cases, you know it’s already over. The both of you. Some of you knew it was over once marriage was thrown on the table.
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There Is No Such Thing As “Cold Feet”
That’s your intuition talking
You’ve been asking for signs regarding what decision you should make. And there have been many, including
- the lack of passion or attraction you have been having toward your partner
- being unable to see yourself having kids with them
- needing more space from them in order to be with them
Your intuition never lies. If you feel like getting married would be a mistake, you’re right. If you feel like proposing isn’t the right thing to do, you are right. If you’re doubting they’re the one, they’re not.
Your intuition has been telling you “no” to the idea of taking this next step and has likely been doing so for a while. Do not believe what others want you to believe. Don’t follow in the footsteps of followers. You do not have to settle for that format of life.
This life you’re living is your life
If the thought of being married to them is causing you anxiety and something about them feels off, believe what you are telling yourself. Stop gaslighting your intuition. This is not “cold feet”.
Cold feet is a gaslighting technique used to sell toxic optimism. That feeling is you being afraid to take the leap because it’s not the right decision for you to uniquely make. People tend to forget that last part.
A healthier love life awaits you, but the choice is yours. And make no mistake, it will impact the rest of your life and mental health. Especially if you make the wrong one.
The better commitment may be to yourself right now. Your autonomy is yours. Choose wisely and trust what you feel, because those feelings are leading you to whatever is in your best interest — even if that’s not your partner.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: _ drz __ on Unsplash
