A Silent Goodbye to a Four-Year Love

We had been together for four years. In all those years, I never felt the need to check his phone. We gave each other space, traveled together, and I respected him more than I loved him. Even if the entire world had turned against him or accused him of something, I would have never believed them. To me, he was like a God—the one who supported me, taught me everything, and the reason for where I stand today.

But what I saw yesterday… I am still struggling to believe it. My mind is at war with itself. One part of me wants to believe there could be another reason, that maybe I’m wrong. But the other part warns me that if this is happening now, it’s better to end it here than to suffer even more later. I’ve seen broken relationships in my family all my life. I don’t want to live like my mother or my sister. I want to live either alone or with a man I can trust completely.

I saw those messages. Sentences praising another girl’s eyes, hearts, and emojis—things I never imagined seeing. I could only read a few before he snatched the phone from my hand and deleted the entire chat. He says it’s not what I think, but why delete it if there was nothing to hide?
I left with my bag, alone. He followed me all the way home, messaging me constantly, but I was numb. For the first time in four years, I blocked him everywhere. Even now, a tiny voice in my head asks, “What if he’s not wrong?” But I saw those words with my own eyes. Were they just flirting? I don’t know.

I always thought that even if the whole world stood against us, my faith in him would remain unshaken. But today, that faith is gone. Even if I forgive him, I don’t think I can ever trust him again. I’m not even angry; I’m just… empty. All I can do is cry and ask one question: Why?

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.